Wednesday, January 25, 2012

New Meds.. Nervous...

Well.. Pdoc appt was today. Mixed feelings on it. Doc thinks even though my mood chart shows the up and down, that i'm still in a mixed state, because I'm angry/irritable/agitated even when I'm up... And he thinks it's the Adderrall making me angry and irritable, not the Abilify. I disagree. But he did decide to d/c the Abilify and we talked about my moods, whether I was more depressed than up more often. He mentioned Lithium. I told him I was open to it, as something needed to be done... So that's what we agreed on. He tried to put in a call to my tdoc, but she wasn't in the office. He had her paged, so I'm assuming he'll talk with her this afternoon some time... Not sure how to feel about that.. Just the thought of them talking about me, it makes me really nervous.. What could they be saying? Ya know?

Anyways.. I'm really nervous about this med switch. He didn't tell me what to do as far as the depakote, so I have no idea if I'm weaning off or just stopping it, or taking both at the same time... Really not cool.. I need to call and ask. Maybe I'll do that in just a bit. My meds should get delivered today, so I'll start them tomorrow. I think my biggest fear is the nausea and the weight gain issues.... I am really really scared of getting nauseated.. I have a fear of throwing up, so this is a big anxiety point.. as for the weight gain.. I'm a tiny framed person and as vain as it may sound, I just don't have the "room" for 15+ pounds.. That sounds bad.. Ugh.. You know what I mean though.. I go through periods where I want to be nice and curvy (but with a flat tummy - that's never going to happen!) and wanting to be really skinny, like around 100 pounds (I'm only 5'1) which is really too skinny, but at least my tummy is mostly flat then.. :P I have an unhealthy self image.. Very low self esteem.. and gaining a lot of weight is going to make it that much harder to keep my esteem up..

Ok, So I really wasn't making a blog post just to rant about weight gain... really, I wasn't.. :P Gah.. Ok, going to shut up for now...

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