Wednesday, January 25, 2012

New Meds.. Nervous...

Well.. Pdoc appt was today. Mixed feelings on it. Doc thinks even though my mood chart shows the up and down, that i'm still in a mixed state, because I'm angry/irritable/agitated even when I'm up... And he thinks it's the Adderrall making me angry and irritable, not the Abilify. I disagree. But he did decide to d/c the Abilify and we talked about my moods, whether I was more depressed than up more often. He mentioned Lithium. I told him I was open to it, as something needed to be done... So that's what we agreed on. He tried to put in a call to my tdoc, but she wasn't in the office. He had her paged, so I'm assuming he'll talk with her this afternoon some time... Not sure how to feel about that.. Just the thought of them talking about me, it makes me really nervous.. What could they be saying? Ya know?

Anyways.. I'm really nervous about this med switch. He didn't tell me what to do as far as the depakote, so I have no idea if I'm weaning off or just stopping it, or taking both at the same time... Really not cool.. I need to call and ask. Maybe I'll do that in just a bit. My meds should get delivered today, so I'll start them tomorrow. I think my biggest fear is the nausea and the weight gain issues.... I am really really scared of getting nauseated.. I have a fear of throwing up, so this is a big anxiety point.. as for the weight gain.. I'm a tiny framed person and as vain as it may sound, I just don't have the "room" for 15+ pounds.. That sounds bad.. Ugh.. You know what I mean though.. I go through periods where I want to be nice and curvy (but with a flat tummy - that's never going to happen!) and wanting to be really skinny, like around 100 pounds (I'm only 5'1) which is really too skinny, but at least my tummy is mostly flat then.. :P I have an unhealthy self image.. Very low self esteem.. and gaining a lot of weight is going to make it that much harder to keep my esteem up..

Ok, So I really wasn't making a blog post just to rant about weight gain... really, I wasn't.. :P Gah.. Ok, going to shut up for now...

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Coming back up some...

So I seem to be coming up out of the mixed state I was in some.. I'm still angry and irritable, but I'm not so depressed anymore.. I can smile and laugh at things now... Just need to shake the attitude... *Sigh* I called the pdoc about halving my Abilify (which would put it back down to where we started) and they never called back... *growl* So I did it any ways... Back to 5 mg from 10. I figure it will be another 2-3 days before the anger and irritability subside... Then I meet w/ the pdoc early next week and I plan on discussing either upping the depakote, or trying something else, since I am cycling again and I need to get back to some sort of stable.... Had my therapy appt and we discussed started a gym membership so I could take some yoga classes, she thought that would be very beneficial. I also brought up the idea of finding a support group for bipolar here locally. She thought it was a wonderful idea. Now to find out if I can drive out that far at night.. Kinda scares me to do so... But it's for something important that may help a good bit (I hope!). I'm stuck at home with the kids today, hubby is at a Ham Radio class all day. Not ideal for me, but I'm hanging in there. It's all I can do for now...

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Mixed...

Ugh.. I just don't know what is WRONG with me lately... well, ok, yeah I do.. but I don't really know WHY... I feel so badly about my moods... I get so depressed that I just don't care about anything, then within the same breath I'm snapping the heads off of my kids... *cries* They don't deserve to have this happen every day... Gah... I just can't stop... I can stop myself before I get really really bad.. but just in yelling and screaming I'm causing harm... I don't want to.... :( I have a feeling it's due to the Abilify that the pdoc upped... I was feeling pretty hypomanic before the tweak... and then I got really depressed... for about 2 days.. and since then I've been so angry about everything... I felt "okay" for several days, just angry but no other big issues, and now I'm angry, irritable, agitated, and depressed... And excited and talkative and some days plagued by a million different ideas at once.... Thankfully not today.. but yesterday I had a thousand and one ideas for my jewelry, the house, organizing... but lacked the energy to do anything... Bleh. I hate this. I can't wait until my appt next week... If I could, I'd try and squeeze in today, but my doc isn't working today.. And I don't feel like seeing someone different..