Monday, October 10, 2011

I don't understand it....

So I'm depressed today. REALLY depressed. I don't get it? I've been stable for 3 months (rapid cycler normally). With as many meds as I'm on, I shouldn't be depressed. I feel like I'm not worth anything, nothing I do matters, my stuff sucks, no one appreciates me, no one wants to be my friend or see me... You name it, I probably feel it today.. *sigh* What gives? The kids are home for Fall Break, which is making things extra hard for me as well.. they are so hyper and I really don't want to deal. UGH! I just want to give up on it all today.. Screw my artwork. Screw my jewelry. No one wants to buy my stuff. Screw the kids and the diet and the biomed... making bread every other day sucks. Screw the housework. It just never stays nice. Ever. I feel like crawling out of my skin today.. I haven't felt like this in so long... I just want to cry. I don't get it! I just don't understand where this is coming from???? I feel alone. I feel like no one gives a flying flip. I feel so scrambled up today. I'm so worried about tomorrow and the mammogram and what they will or won't find... I feel grayed out and faded, but with jagged sharp edges at the same time. Can't I just escape it all? Sleep through the day? Curl up on the couch and ignore life around me? Everyone else seems to ignore me.. why can't I do the same? I'm so upset over how I feel today... So confused.

2 comments:

tmomma said...

Oh Mel, I just want to give you a huge hug. I'm so sorry you are having such a bad day. I've been there, too. I fight depression everyday. Some times we just have to make it through the next hour or the next five minutes. Please hold on. You are wanted and valued and loved. It will get better.

Just Me said...

Thank you :) I'm feeling better this evening.. Having the kids home all day for fall break hasn't been easy with these moods.... Thank you.