Saturday, October 22, 2011

Happy Hatch Day to meeeeeee.....

So for once, I'm excited and happy about my birthday.. Going to lunch with a friend, then a party tomorrow at my mom's. :) Won't get my present til next month. I preordered the new Kindle Touch! *squeeee* I'm excited, can ya tell? :) One think about birthdays, I never feel older... Age to me, well.. it just doesn't work the way it does for everyone else. I swear for the most part, I feel like I don't age. It's hard to describe. I don't worry about "getting older" the way normal folk do. I don't fret over another year... usually it's just "another day"... Weird... Ok, enough rambling.. I gotta eat breakfast..

Monday, October 10, 2011

I don't understand it....

So I'm depressed today. REALLY depressed. I don't get it? I've been stable for 3 months (rapid cycler normally). With as many meds as I'm on, I shouldn't be depressed. I feel like I'm not worth anything, nothing I do matters, my stuff sucks, no one appreciates me, no one wants to be my friend or see me... You name it, I probably feel it today.. *sigh* What gives? The kids are home for Fall Break, which is making things extra hard for me as well.. they are so hyper and I really don't want to deal. UGH! I just want to give up on it all today.. Screw my artwork. Screw my jewelry. No one wants to buy my stuff. Screw the kids and the diet and the biomed... making bread every other day sucks. Screw the housework. It just never stays nice. Ever. I feel like crawling out of my skin today.. I haven't felt like this in so long... I just want to cry. I don't get it! I just don't understand where this is coming from???? I feel alone. I feel like no one gives a flying flip. I feel so scrambled up today. I'm so worried about tomorrow and the mammogram and what they will or won't find... I feel grayed out and faded, but with jagged sharp edges at the same time. Can't I just escape it all? Sleep through the day? Curl up on the couch and ignore life around me? Everyone else seems to ignore me.. why can't I do the same? I'm so upset over how I feel today... So confused.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Creating...

Still having a blast creating artwork and jewelry :) I really get such joy in creating something new. I'm having a sale on both shops right now. 10% off in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month. Use coupon code PINK10. My jewelry site offers free shipping to US and Canada :)


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I wish...

I wish I knew what to do about the whole being social thing. It's getting better, it really is. I don't go into a panic when I know people are coming over, and for the most part, I don't panic when I have to go see someone else anymore. But now, my worry is that I've spent so much time afraid to do things with people, that no one wants to see me anymore. Almost like they've given up because I've said no so much in the past. And part of my problems are that 1> I can't see well at night and most of the time my friends want to do things at night. 2> I'm still a good bit paranoid that I'm going to get carjacked (again) if I drive by myself, especially at night. It's hard to deal with. Most of my friends can't do things during the day. Makes it very hard on me. I'm thankful for the friends I do have that make time to hang with me when I can. I have an awesome friend that always comes to my house, never complains that I don't come to her place... she really is awesome. I guess I worry that if I ask other friends out during the day, they're going to say no, just like I used to say. And I don't want to deal with any rejection, even if it's just simply because they can't get away from kids/work/life. I feel like I"m at an impasse with the social aspect of my life. I want to make it better. I want to ask people to go do stuff, and be asked in return. Just not sure where to start.