Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Battling the Friendship Monster... again.

Friendship trouble is a recurring theme in my life it seems. I wish I knew how much of it was "me" and how much of it was other people. I have a lot of online friends and acquaintances. I love many of my online friends. I really do, I connect with them. But there are many days when online just doesn't fill the need for company. The few friends I do have, I see sporadically, they all have busy lives. What frustrates me is I do try to keep in touch and attempt to be more socially outgoing. I'm trying my best. But outside of a few people, it doesn't seem to do much good. I don't know if it's because I'm just not trying hard enough, or because they have busy lives (so completely understandable!), or if they just don't want to have a "real life" friendship. I'd be cool with that but I'd want to be told. One can get really resentful when a friendship appears to be "one sided". I don't want to be resentful. I know that some of the issue I have is that I "burned bridges" and it takes a while to get back to being ok with seeing me. I understand that too. I screwed up with a lot of my friends. It's really hard to maintain friendships when your moods are 90 miles a minute, and even harder when you don't realize that your moods are the problem, when you don't recognize what's going on... I've had lots of issues in the past (and some in the present too) that caused me to rip a big ol hole in many friendships. It's made me look "unapproachable" I'm sure too. On a bad day I brood and glower and no one wants to be around that. I try to watch for it, so I can stop myself from doing it. It's hard, I'll admit.

I don't know, maybe there's a reason I'm so bent on having friends. I see others get together and it makes me a bit jealous. Kind of sad really. Maybe what I really want is acceptance? There has to be some reason for why I need to have friends.. And it is a need really. I feel the need to be a social creature, I crave it. Which is funny, seeing as how I totally suck at it. I dunno, it's something to think on, that's for sure. And maybe there will be a post or two about it later as I dig deeper. For now, I'm ever so grateful to the friends that are in my life now, even those that I don't see in real life.

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