Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Battling the Friendship Monster... again.

Friendship trouble is a recurring theme in my life it seems. I wish I knew how much of it was "me" and how much of it was other people. I have a lot of online friends and acquaintances. I love many of my online friends. I really do, I connect with them. But there are many days when online just doesn't fill the need for company. The few friends I do have, I see sporadically, they all have busy lives. What frustrates me is I do try to keep in touch and attempt to be more socially outgoing. I'm trying my best. But outside of a few people, it doesn't seem to do much good. I don't know if it's because I'm just not trying hard enough, or because they have busy lives (so completely understandable!), or if they just don't want to have a "real life" friendship. I'd be cool with that but I'd want to be told. One can get really resentful when a friendship appears to be "one sided". I don't want to be resentful. I know that some of the issue I have is that I "burned bridges" and it takes a while to get back to being ok with seeing me. I understand that too. I screwed up with a lot of my friends. It's really hard to maintain friendships when your moods are 90 miles a minute, and even harder when you don't realize that your moods are the problem, when you don't recognize what's going on... I've had lots of issues in the past (and some in the present too) that caused me to rip a big ol hole in many friendships. It's made me look "unapproachable" I'm sure too. On a bad day I brood and glower and no one wants to be around that. I try to watch for it, so I can stop myself from doing it. It's hard, I'll admit.

I don't know, maybe there's a reason I'm so bent on having friends. I see others get together and it makes me a bit jealous. Kind of sad really. Maybe what I really want is acceptance? There has to be some reason for why I need to have friends.. And it is a need really. I feel the need to be a social creature, I crave it. Which is funny, seeing as how I totally suck at it. I dunno, it's something to think on, that's for sure. And maybe there will be a post or two about it later as I dig deeper. For now, I'm ever so grateful to the friends that are in my life now, even those that I don't see in real life.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

4 years ago...

It was around 10 pm on the 4th when I really knew it was time. But I didn't want to get my hopes up. I mean, I'd had so many "false starts" in the last 2-3 weeks. So I called the midwife to let her know, and told her I'd be going to bed to rest. She was a bit skeptical, I don't blame her. About midnight or so, the contractions woke me up. I couldn't sleep. They weren't super close together, but I just knew. So I called my mom and she came over to keep me company. We let Richard sleep for a while and we sat up timing contractions and talking. As they got stronger and closer, we decided to wake Richard up and I called the midwife again to updated her and let her know this was "really" it. The contractions were getting pretty big, I decided to labor over the corner of my bed, on hands and knees, to make sure she wasn't "sunny side up". I rocked and moaned and groaned away while my mom and Richard watched on. At some point I demanded Richard call the midwife again and tell she needed to be here soon. I got up and got into the shower for some relief, helping my baby to come down further. I stood in the hot water, rocking and swaying through contractions until I was tired and got out to dry off. The contractions were really powerful now and I decided I needed to sit down for a bit. I don't really remember how, but I ended up sitting on the floor in a shirt and covered in a blanket shaking. The midwifes, Kim and Melissa, and Corinne, the apprentice all arrived and noticed I was in full blown transition. We got me up to the bed to check and I was a 9 to 10ish. There was a struggle to get the bed at least partially covered for the birth. Partially, because I REALLY didn't want to move. Then I felt pushy. I was side lying when I delivered the bag of waters. Melissa and Kim were so excited because the bag still had membranes. I have to admit it was cool. Melissa broke the bag and I got up on knees and my birth ball and rocked, trying to push while Melissa held my hand and provided some reiki energy (she was such an immense help to me). My baby just wouldn't move though. I knew what to do though. It was this immediate realization that I had to flip over to get her under my pubic bone. So I dived bombed onto Melissa. There I sat, in an inclined "C" position, half sitting, half laying down, Melissa behind me, Aimee behind Melissa, my mom behind Aimee (all on the bed) then Richard at the very back to keep everyone from falling off. It's amusing to think about it now. With each contraction I pushed and then she crowned. I held that crown as long as I could, a good 2 minutes or so, and then out came her head. My body by this point was so exhausted. Then suddenly the contractions just stopped. There was no urge to push her fully out. I immediately put my hand to my nipples to stimulate more, then rubbed my belly, neither of which worked. I knew she needed to come out now, so I reared back with my hips off the bed and pushed with all my might and out she came into Corinne's arms! (Corinne's first "catch"!) I put her to my breast as soon as she was breathing and crying marveled at how gorgeous she was (not to mention how big she was). I bled a good bit and they gave me shepard's purse and pitocin to help. When all was fineI handed my sweet Morrigan over to be weighed. She weighed in at an even 8 lbs. Such a big girl. She nursed like a champ! Richard flitted around snapping pictures of us in our messy glory and then I got cleaned up and snuggled into bed with Morri and Richard while the midwives cleaned up. I had some very tiny tears inside and was told to lay with my legs together for a day or two and they would heal up with no stitched just fine. My body was very worn out and a bit in shock (just like in Braeden's birth) and I passed out several times. All in all it was such an amazing birth and the fact that it was my last, well, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I am so blessed to have had the best midwives ever and the best birth ever.

And now 4 years later, I have this amazing girl with a "tomboy diva" personality. I can't believe she's my last baby. Happy Hatch Day Morrigan!!! Such a big girl!!!