Now I have to give myself credit, I have improved a bit in this area. I used to think of myself as this ugly and untalented girl who no one loved. I know that isn't the case... It's a step in the right direction. But... Where do I go from here? When do I get passed the need for acceptance, the need for belonging? I want to know that I can walk into a group of friends and be happy just being there instead of second guessing whether they want me there. I wish it were as simple as having people take notice or come up and hug me, include me into their conversations, show me they want me there... but I know I'd still feel that way. Until I can increase my self-esteem, those actions would only take me so far. Problem is, I don't know HOW to like myself. It's not as easy as flipping on a switch and saying "I'm going to like me from now on." At least, not for me it isn't. I don't know if it's Bipolar land peaking out.. Or if it's just me dealing with who I am. My guess would be a bit of both... And I know, I know I really should bring this up to a therapist, not just to a blog full of strangers (though I'd like to think you guys are more than "strangers" since you actually read my stuff and all...). I plan on starting my therapy back up this summer, when I have some one to watch the kids.. Therapists and small children in the room, well, they just don't mix.. and as a mom of 3.. Babysitters are not easy or affordable all the time..
I think what it boils down too.. I want to see me they way others see me.. but I don't know how others see me.. Does that make sense? I think I'm babbling at this point.. I need to find some way to work on this.. A way to keep me from getting in the way of myself too.. At this point, I'm my biggest enemy.