Sunday, April 24, 2011

Alone in a Crowd

I've been thinking a lot lately. Thinking about where I fit. Not fitting in in general, necessarily, but just.. where I fit within a group or set of friends. Ok, maybe that is "fitting in". I have this fear, you see. I'm terrified that I don't belong anywhere. I put a lot of stock into belonging, or "fitting in", being accepted. I've been thinking of that a bunch. I think it boils down to one thing really. My self-esteem. Well, really, my lack there of. I have none. I'm terribly shy unless I'm incredibly comfortable around a person, I'm withdrawn... This comes off as bitchy. Or unapproachable. Or just plain in a bad mood. I get very uncertain of myself when I walk into a room and I'm not greeted or noticed. I was mentioning to my husband this morning that there's a beading guy who is always at the shows I go to, he has amazing prices. Anyways, I go to a show maybe every 3-4ish months. He ALWAYS remembers me... Not necessarily that he remembers where he's seen me, but he always has a "Hey, I know you from somewhere." comment.. I find that amazing. I told my husband so, that it's not like I'm a "memorable person" or anything.. His comment was "Well, too yourself anyways". That really struck something within me.. It's true. I don't think I really view myself the way others do. I never have. I have hated myself for so long that it's become second nature to me... And while I don't "hate" myself now.. All those feelings and insecurities are still there, cemented into my very being. And I can't get rid of them no matter how I try. I just assume I'll never be that person, the one that "lights up a room" or is the "life of the party" or the one that everyone gravitates towards because they are just that great.
Now I have to give myself credit, I have improved a bit in this area. I used to think of myself as this ugly and untalented girl who no one loved. I know that isn't the case... It's a step in the right direction. But... Where do I go from here? When do I get passed the need for acceptance, the need for belonging? I want to know that I can walk into a group of friends and be happy just being there instead of second guessing whether they want me there. I wish it were as simple as having people take notice or come up and hug me, include me into their conversations, show me they want me there... but I know I'd still feel that way. Until I can increase my self-esteem, those actions would only take me so far. Problem is, I don't know HOW to like myself. It's not as easy as flipping on a switch and saying "I'm going to like me from now on." At least, not for me it isn't. I don't know if it's Bipolar land peaking out.. Or if it's just me dealing with who I am. My guess would be a bit of both... And I know, I know I really should bring this up to a therapist, not just to a blog full of strangers (though I'd like to think you guys are more than "strangers" since you actually read my stuff and all...). I plan on starting my therapy back up this summer, when I have some one to watch the kids.. Therapists and small children in the room, well, they just don't mix.. and as a mom of 3.. Babysitters are not easy or affordable all the time..

I think what it boils down too.. I want to see me they way others see me.. but I don't know how others see me.. Does that make sense? I think I'm babbling at this point.. I need to find some way to work on this.. A way to keep me from getting in the way of myself too.. At this point, I'm my biggest enemy.

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