Sunday, April 24, 2011
I have decided to separate off my personal blog and create a new Jewelry blog for updates from my shop, as well as informational posts on the metaphysical aspects of the gemstones I work with. I hope you will follow me over to the new blog and stay a while with me. http://faerienotions.blogspot.com/
I've been thinking a lot lately. Thinking about where I fit. Not fitting in in general, necessarily, but just.. where I fit within a group or set of friends. Ok, maybe that is "fitting in". I have this fear, you see. I'm terrified that I don't belong anywhere. I put a lot of stock into belonging, or "fitting in", being accepted. I've been thinking of that a bunch. I think it boils down to one thing really. My self-esteem. Well, really, my lack there of. I have none. I'm terribly shy unless I'm incredibly comfortable around a person, I'm withdrawn... This comes off as bitchy. Or unapproachable. Or just plain in a bad mood. I get very uncertain of myself when I walk into a room and I'm not greeted or noticed. I was mentioning to my husband this morning that there's a beading guy who is always at the shows I go to, he has amazing prices. Anyways, I go to a show maybe every 3-4ish months. He ALWAYS remembers me... Not necessarily that he remembers where he's seen me, but he always has a "Hey, I know you from somewhere." comment.. I find that amazing. I told my husband so, that it's not like I'm a "memorable person" or anything.. His comment was "Well, too yourself anyways". That really struck something within me.. It's true. I don't think I really view myself the way others do. I never have. I have hated myself for so long that it's become second nature to me... And while I don't "hate" myself now.. All those feelings and insecurities are still there, cemented into my very being. And I can't get rid of them no matter how I try. I just assume I'll never be that person, the one that "lights up a room" or is the "life of the party" or the one that everyone gravitates towards because they are just that great.
Now I have to give myself credit, I have improved a bit in this area. I used to think of myself as this ugly and untalented girl who no one loved. I know that isn't the case... It's a step in the right direction. But... Where do I go from here? When do I get passed the need for acceptance, the need for belonging? I want to know that I can walk into a group of friends and be happy just being there instead of second guessing whether they want me there. I wish it were as simple as having people take notice or come up and hug me, include me into their conversations, show me they want me there... but I know I'd still feel that way. Until I can increase my self-esteem, those actions would only take me so far. Problem is, I don't know HOW to like myself. It's not as easy as flipping on a switch and saying "I'm going to like me from now on." At least, not for me it isn't. I don't know if it's Bipolar land peaking out.. Or if it's just me dealing with who I am. My guess would be a bit of both... And I know, I know I really should bring this up to a therapist, not just to a blog full of strangers (though I'd like to think you guys are more than "strangers" since you actually read my stuff and all...). I plan on starting my therapy back up this summer, when I have some one to watch the kids.. Therapists and small children in the room, well, they just don't mix.. and as a mom of 3.. Babysitters are not easy or affordable all the time..
I think what it boils down too.. I want to see me they way others see me.. but I don't know how others see me.. Does that make sense? I think I'm babbling at this point.. I need to find some way to work on this.. A way to keep me from getting in the way of myself too.. At this point, I'm my biggest enemy.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Is it normal to be normal? :) So things have calmed down immensely here, I'm very thankful to say. I've begun finding the pleasure and happiness in everyday life again, not just the highs and lows anymore. Not a lot has been going on, so there's really hasn't been much to report. I'm just living it out I'm happy to report. We were able to welcome my new nephew into the world last week, which is big! I was able to be a part of that, for which I am deeply honored. It's really weird to be on the "other end" of that team this time around, instead of the one giving birth. Brought back amazing memories for me. What amazes me even further is that even as tired as I was after (only 3 hours of sleep!) I didn't descend into the "pit of doom" that I expected to. Usually no sleep and I do NOT mix. At. All. I just feel so much more even keeled. I am enjoying my kids, my husband... It's nice. Nice to be "normal" for a change. The only bad thing to report is that my headaches and fibromyalgia are flaring, as I'm out of fibro meds.. but I am hoping that will change soon. Even those don't pull a huge weight down onto me though.
I've been working on a bunch of new jewelry lately. Loving the time I get to do that. Just finished 2 stunning necklaces that I haven't listed on Etsy yet. But I promise to do so by tomorrow. ;) I have had some custom orders lately. Makes me smile!
So all in all, things are good here. Holding on to hope that they continue! I'm "due" for a cycle soon so now is the time to put the meds to the test. I will appreciate any healing energy, positive thoughts and prayers sent my way that the meds keep doing what they should... This could be the start of a very good thing. :)
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
back down to normal.. This was an abrupt cycle up and it ended quickly... Very weird.. I spent some time rereading everything I've written in this journal.. wow... The patterns are very obvious now to me, and I recharted all my highs and lows... I'm def. a rapid cycler. Started a new med per the Pdoc yesterday. She squeezed me in to an appt and I was very on edge when I got there. I became really agitated really quickly and was just plain angry that she wasn't listening to me properly and not seeing what I was seeing. I finally got her to state that she agreed with my previous dx of bipolar though, which isn't something she's done yet. She just kept asking me what I was seeing... so frustrating when I had JUST told her. Made for a very irate appt. She wanted to in patient me because I was so on edge and irritable but I told her there was no way with 3 kids that was going to happen. Her arguement was that they could manage meds and monitor side effects much easier that way and they'd be able to stop the high. We settled for trying Depakote again at a higher dose. I was on a low dose for migraines at one point and it aggravated my highs because it wasn't a strong enough dose. I'm hopeful this time around. Hopefully now that I'm getting back to normal I'll stay that way and won't go "down". We'll see! Here's hoping.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
*sigh* So I'm on yet another med change. Pdoc pulled the Topamax and kept me on Abilify. I was having a hyperthermia reaction to being on both at the same time. Trouble is.. I feel the Topamax was stablizing my moods, pdoc says no, it was the Abilify.. But the Abilify makes me irritable. And we've stopped the Topamax so now, I'm cycling again. I was in a happy mania mood yesterday followed by irate mania mood today.. I just can't win. My next appt isn't until end of May and I'm going to have to make an earlier appt. She refused to prescribe me anything for the anxiety that comes along side the mania and I'm at my wits end. She doesn't want to give me a "downer" med while I'm on the ADHD "upper" med and while I fully understand not wanting to confuse or overwhelm my body that way, I NEED it some days.. What am I supposed to do on those days where I'm crawling out of my skin? Let my kids and husband suffer because I'm so on edge that I can't stop word vomit that comes out? I'm so beyond frustrated right now, and the mania isn't helping one bit. I just don't feel rational about anything and I know it'll pass soon but it feels like forever while it's going on.. and I know it's happening and I can't stop it. This blog post is mainly to get it all out, document what the Abilify is doing so I can go back and look a little later to tell the doc.. Next few posts will prolly be this way, helping me to track my moods, I hope.