Sunday, February 20, 2011

some grand post here....

I feel like I should be writing grand and earth shattering posts here... and that people should be riveted to my "Very Deep Thoughts" as Tori Amos would say.. But honestly? I feel so very minuscule of late. I feel... out of touch, like things don't matter, out of contact with everyone around me, and frankly, a bit like I don't matter.. I know that last bit isn't true. I'm sure it isn't, but I can't stop those feelings, especially on days like today. I watch the world around me, and it just goes by at such an amazing neck breaking speed, I can't keep up. No one seems to notice, either. Every time I try to jump in to the fray, it's like I get knocked to the floor, winded, and left in the dust. I get the urge some times to just give up on friends, to give up on socializing. I don't really fit in. Either my kids aren't "severe" enough, or I'm too weird, or my kids are "too weird" or I'm not talkative enough, or a million other things that I just don't understand... I can't begin to comprehend some days.. And then some one lends me a hand and pulls me to my feet, and gives me a shove in the right direction, to start again.... It's nice when that happens... I don't ask for it, god knows I should... but I CAN'T. I don't know why... I just can't.

I've only ever found one group where I totally fit in... and I almost lost someone from that group yesterday... It hurt... bad. And thinking about that is what brought this whole post on, I guess... I have some amazing friends.. What happens if I lose them? I chased them away once, being stupid, being bipolar, aspie, and crazy.. Didn't know it then, but I know it now, and I've worked through those "issues". So.. How do I work through my other issues to gain more friends? To become comfortable in other social groups, without thinking about how much I DON'T fit in? I guess I have to start by working on that first bit up there? By working on the "I don't matter" feelings, huh? I mean, I KNOW I matter.. I just think that when it comes to a group setting, that's how I feel... Hrm.. I really need to work on that... I just don't know how.. I hope in time, Goddess will show me.

4 comments:

Eluria Obscura said...

I feel like this a lot, too. One day a couple years ago I said to myself "to hell with trying to please everyone" and have tried very hard just to be myself from that point on. There will always be people that don't get you, that don't like you, that think you are not 'good enough' but honestly, screw what they think! I would much rather have the people that love me for who I am in my life, as few as they are, than a whole bunch of people that you have to change for. Hopefully your family and friends are among those that you can be yourself with. *hugs*

Just Me said...

It isn't that I try to please them all, that ship sailed a long time ago.. I guess it's just the Aspergers in me, I just want to "fit in" instead of being the 2nd left shoe...

Ant said...

Oh my, when you get this figured out will you please post?
I think lots of us feel this way, much of the time.
Blessings to you. :)

Just Me said...

Trust me Ant, as soon as I figure that out, I'll be shouting it from the rooftops! :) Glad to know I'm not alone :)