I feel like I should be writing grand and earth shattering posts here... and that people should be riveted to my "Very Deep Thoughts" as Tori Amos would say.. But honestly? I feel so very minuscule of late. I feel... out of touch, like things don't matter, out of contact with everyone around me, and frankly, a bit like I don't matter.. I know that last bit isn't true. I'm sure it isn't, but I can't stop those feelings, especially on days like today. I watch the world around me, and it just goes by at such an amazing neck breaking speed, I can't keep up. No one seems to notice, either. Every time I try to jump in to the fray, it's like I get knocked to the floor, winded, and left in the dust. I get the urge some times to just give up on friends, to give up on socializing. I don't really fit in. Either my kids aren't "severe" enough, or I'm too weird, or my kids are "too weird" or I'm not talkative enough, or a million other things that I just don't understand... I can't begin to comprehend some days.. And then some one lends me a hand and pulls me to my feet, and gives me a shove in the right direction, to start again.... It's nice when that happens... I don't ask for it, god knows I should... but I CAN'T. I don't know why... I just can't.
I've only ever found one group where I totally fit in... and I almost lost someone from that group yesterday... It hurt... bad. And thinking about that is what brought this whole post on, I guess... I have some amazing friends.. What happens if I lose them? I chased them away once, being stupid, being bipolar, aspie, and crazy.. Didn't know it then, but I know it now, and I've worked through those "issues". So.. How do I work through my other issues to gain more friends? To become comfortable in other social groups, without thinking about how much I DON'T fit in? I guess I have to start by working on that first bit up there? By working on the "I don't matter" feelings, huh? I mean, I KNOW I matter.. I just think that when it comes to a group setting, that's how I feel... Hrm.. I really need to work on that... I just don't know how.. I hope in time, Goddess will show me.