Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Afraid...

I want to be the type of person that gives with out judgement, the type of person that sees someone on the street and hands out what I can with out batting an eye.. And I would.. I really would.. But I'm afraid. Not afraid of what they would do with it.. I don't judge. I would simply give and that would be me doing my part to help humanity, and if they chose to use it for bad, that is their choice. It would make me sad, really. But what stops me, is fear... fear of being attacked. That judgment is what I cannot get past. And past is the biggest part of it. I cannot get through my own past attack. I can't get through my own attack, and it has spread to being afraid of not only huge black guys, but scrawny homeless guys, thug-y looking white guys, even just an average teen. It saddens me. And I know it's a process I have to go through. I know it takes time. Trust me, I have come an EXTREMELY LONG WAY from the terrified girl who couldn't drive ANYWHERE even during the day, who couldn't function outside her house alone. The one who couldn't even LOOK at a guy that might be "shady" with out freezing up in a panic or running the other way. It's been 8 1/2 years. I don't dream about it. I don't flash back. I can say his name. I know he tried to kill me. It's not so hard to admit now. I used to say it was a kidnapping, not that he tried to kill me. Now I have come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't bring up the worst part on purpose. I can now. So why does it still have this hold over me? I'm tired of the process. I'm ready to be done. More than ready. I know, I know.. I'm impatient...

2 comments:

Stacie said...

Girl, you are one of the strongest people I know. Be proud of how far you've come, but keep pushing forward for the ultimate healing. HUGE hugs to you.

Marlene said...

Time takes time sweetie, you are doing well. You just keep moving slowly forward one step at a time. Hugs.