Friday, October 22, 2010

Well, they say it's your birthday... nah nah nah nah nah...

So yeah... Another birthday come... You know what I don't understand about them? Why do people make a big deal about "another year" added on? I find it odd.. Maybe it's me? I don't feel older... I never do... I mean.. physically, yeah, I FEEL old, but that's due to my physical health issues... but my birthday doesn't make me feel any older than I was last year.. I don't see my self any older than I was when I was say, 16. Ok, so maybe not 16.. but you get the idea.. I just don't feel older.... I don't see it.. I don't see myself at any sort of age really, can't really say that I pin an age down on me, and I have trouble remembering how old I am actually, I honestly have to think about it.... And people laugh when I tell them "You aren't old until you're dead, and then it's too late to care about it." But I'm SERIOUS.. It's true! So yeah.. Maybe I am the weird one.. :) But that's ok.. I can live with that. ;) Either way... Happy Hatch Day to me. :P Now.. How old am I again? *scratches head*

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Afraid...

I want to be the type of person that gives with out judgement, the type of person that sees someone on the street and hands out what I can with out batting an eye.. And I would.. I really would.. But I'm afraid. Not afraid of what they would do with it.. I don't judge. I would simply give and that would be me doing my part to help humanity, and if they chose to use it for bad, that is their choice. It would make me sad, really. But what stops me, is fear... fear of being attacked. That judgment is what I cannot get past. And past is the biggest part of it. I cannot get through my own past attack. I can't get through my own attack, and it has spread to being afraid of not only huge black guys, but scrawny homeless guys, thug-y looking white guys, even just an average teen. It saddens me. And I know it's a process I have to go through. I know it takes time. Trust me, I have come an EXTREMELY LONG WAY from the terrified girl who couldn't drive ANYWHERE even during the day, who couldn't function outside her house alone. The one who couldn't even LOOK at a guy that might be "shady" with out freezing up in a panic or running the other way. It's been 8 1/2 years. I don't dream about it. I don't flash back. I can say his name. I know he tried to kill me. It's not so hard to admit now. I used to say it was a kidnapping, not that he tried to kill me. Now I have come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't bring up the worst part on purpose. I can now. So why does it still have this hold over me? I'm tired of the process. I'm ready to be done. More than ready. I know, I know.. I'm impatient...

Monday, October 11, 2010

hanging out... :)

Hanging out in Texas, enjoying my sister and BIL's company, and my niece and nephews' as well. :) In fact, I seem to be enjoying much more lately.. And even though I still feel the full range of my varied feelings, I feel much more normal.. We started me on Topamax again, paired with everything else in the world I'm on, and I really do feel so much more level headed. We made it all the way to TX (an 8 hr drive mind you) with 3 kids, and no huge tantrums on my end. ;) Actually, I'm really proud of the kids, they did fairly well for kids on the spectrum. The kids are hyper here, but we're doing ok at dealing with it here, and I'm not near as frazzled over it. It's been really nice.. The big challenge will be seeing if I cycle down. So we'll soon see... *crosses fingers* :)