Tuesday, September 28, 2010

wishing...

My down days get me really bad... I long to be happy. I remember it, but it seems like forever ago, even though it was maybe just a few days. I hate myself in these times. I hate not caring about the house, about me, about life. I hate the constant nothingness I feel. Even in looking at my kids, I just go through the motions, mainly because they must be done, but not because I want to, not because I care. I long to be really truely happy. I honestly can remember it, but that was when I first started the Adderall, and to be really honest, I think I was in an actual true mania state, I felt like I was on top of the world, no matter what happened, I was all smiles, giggly and beyond chatter box.. it was ADDICTIVE... I want it back.. I would do ANYTHING to get it back. now that my body is "used" to the Adderall, I'm back to living in shades of grey.. White hot anger and irritation as my "high" and deep black depression as my low, with shades of grey in between. There's no color in my life.. I LONG for color... I need it. I know it's there, I feel the hints of color during my ok days... But that true mania was vibrant, alive and breathing.. I WANT IT.. I WANT IT BACK.... NOW. But I don't know how to get it. Or if the safety, the consequences of it are worth the high... I no longer trust myself. The urge to take more than I need in order to get back that feeling... I just don't know how much longer I can resist that urge. Thankfully my appt is tomorrow. I'm taking the meds with me, and I'm going to try and give them back to the doctor. I hope I can do it. I need to.. This scares me... It scares me more than the thought of never being truely happy. This cycle down has been bad, maybe due to my period, I don't know for sure really.. I just, I feel empty, despite all my blessings, and despite everything I know I have, and I know I"m not empty, but I just feel empty... I need to just mellow out for a few days until this passes, I know... Maybe when I come back up things will be more clear to me...

5 comments:

Tiffany said...

Thank you. Thank you for sharing yourself. I have tears rolling down my face because you have expressed exactly what I've been feeling, too. I've just been afraid to admit it to myself, much less to anyone else.
Thank you for touching my heart.

Just Me said...

Then I wish for you to find your color as well... *hug*

Marlene said...

Hugs my friend.

readingsully2 said...

Oh, Mel...I am so sorry and wish I could reach out and touch you and take away your pain. Just know we love you.

Just Me said...

Thank you Carole and Marlene!! *hugs back*