Sunday, September 19, 2010

seeds

We all have seeds buried deep with in us. Seeds of doubt, seeds of love, seeds of hate, seeds of hope, seeds of courage... All sorts of seeds. We are constantly growing in one form or another, constantly feeding those seeds. And most of the time we take unending care of how we feed those seeds, just the right amount of food to only those seeds we want to grow, in hopes that the seeds we desire will take root and crowd out those we don't want. Though, sometimes, those other seeds steal food from our "wanted" seeds.. They steal enough to flourish deep inside us. After all, we are human. One of those that has such experienced stealth abilities is the seed of doubt. Seed of doubt is no ordinary seed. The food we give to our wanted seeds, it's super food for the seeds of doubt. And so, some times that seed of doubt doubles in size, screaming to be acknowledged. So we let it voice it's words, and the roots grow stronger. We are only human, after all. Try as we might, sometimes, it's just there, waiting.

My seed of doubt has been flourishing. Try as I might to feed others, it just is too strong, I've given it too much food in the past, now it affects the present. I've given it power and strength by voicing those doubts... Am I good enough? Do I have talent? Am I a good parent? Do people really love me? Do I really love myself? Am I really a good person? Do I really KNOW what I want? Who I am? The questions scream to be voiced, prying through a mask of myself. I hold the mask together as best I can, but there are cracks, because I've dropped it before. With each question, those cracks spread, just a hair... Who knows how far they have to spread before my mask comes crumbling to the floor? I try so hard to feed the right seeds, to stamp down the growing tendrils of doubt. Those tendrils have thorns that grab hold of my very being. I know the answers to those questions, I know I do. And will continue to feed those seeds that I want to grow, and I can only hope they will crowd out those that I choose to cut down. I can only hope.

1 comment:

Marlene said...

We all have masks and we just need to keep trying them on as they continue to change as we grow older. Not sure if we ever get rid of all the masks but they become more comfortable as we age.