Tuesday, September 28, 2010

wishing...

My down days get me really bad... I long to be happy. I remember it, but it seems like forever ago, even though it was maybe just a few days. I hate myself in these times. I hate not caring about the house, about me, about life. I hate the constant nothingness I feel. Even in looking at my kids, I just go through the motions, mainly because they must be done, but not because I want to, not because I care. I long to be really truely happy. I honestly can remember it, but that was when I first started the Adderall, and to be really honest, I think I was in an actual true mania state, I felt like I was on top of the world, no matter what happened, I was all smiles, giggly and beyond chatter box.. it was ADDICTIVE... I want it back.. I would do ANYTHING to get it back. now that my body is "used" to the Adderall, I'm back to living in shades of grey.. White hot anger and irritation as my "high" and deep black depression as my low, with shades of grey in between. There's no color in my life.. I LONG for color... I need it. I know it's there, I feel the hints of color during my ok days... But that true mania was vibrant, alive and breathing.. I WANT IT.. I WANT IT BACK.... NOW. But I don't know how to get it. Or if the safety, the consequences of it are worth the high... I no longer trust myself. The urge to take more than I need in order to get back that feeling... I just don't know how much longer I can resist that urge. Thankfully my appt is tomorrow. I'm taking the meds with me, and I'm going to try and give them back to the doctor. I hope I can do it. I need to.. This scares me... It scares me more than the thought of never being truely happy. This cycle down has been bad, maybe due to my period, I don't know for sure really.. I just, I feel empty, despite all my blessings, and despite everything I know I have, and I know I"m not empty, but I just feel empty... I need to just mellow out for a few days until this passes, I know... Maybe when I come back up things will be more clear to me...

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Tiny Blessings

Well this weekend provided me with a tiny blessing. I was going along, at my normal moody speed, and I stopped Sunday afternoon to notice that the spiral willow out on our back porch seemed to be growing new leaves finally (caterpillars had eaten most). Well, right there on the tree was a butterfly! So I grabbed my camera and eased out the door to try and get a picture. When I walked up, I realized it was a monarch! And much to my surprise, it was fluttering it's wings but not flying off. That's when I saw it. An opened chrysalis! It had just come from within and was drying off it's wings! How amazing is that? So of course I got a picture or two. Then my eye caught ANOTHER one! This chrysalis was unopened! And then I found another up on the frame of our window! How blessed can we be?! Mother Earth bestowed three beautiful blessing on our house! I can't wait until the other two chrysalises open!



Sunday, September 19, 2010

seeds

We all have seeds buried deep with in us. Seeds of doubt, seeds of love, seeds of hate, seeds of hope, seeds of courage... All sorts of seeds. We are constantly growing in one form or another, constantly feeding those seeds. And most of the time we take unending care of how we feed those seeds, just the right amount of food to only those seeds we want to grow, in hopes that the seeds we desire will take root and crowd out those we don't want. Though, sometimes, those other seeds steal food from our "wanted" seeds.. They steal enough to flourish deep inside us. After all, we are human. One of those that has such experienced stealth abilities is the seed of doubt. Seed of doubt is no ordinary seed. The food we give to our wanted seeds, it's super food for the seeds of doubt. And so, some times that seed of doubt doubles in size, screaming to be acknowledged. So we let it voice it's words, and the roots grow stronger. We are only human, after all. Try as we might, sometimes, it's just there, waiting.

My seed of doubt has been flourishing. Try as I might to feed others, it just is too strong, I've given it too much food in the past, now it affects the present. I've given it power and strength by voicing those doubts... Am I good enough? Do I have talent? Am I a good parent? Do people really love me? Do I really love myself? Am I really a good person? Do I really KNOW what I want? Who I am? The questions scream to be voiced, prying through a mask of myself. I hold the mask together as best I can, but there are cracks, because I've dropped it before. With each question, those cracks spread, just a hair... Who knows how far they have to spread before my mask comes crumbling to the floor? I try so hard to feed the right seeds, to stamp down the growing tendrils of doubt. Those tendrils have thorns that grab hold of my very being. I know the answers to those questions, I know I do. And will continue to feed those seeds that I want to grow, and I can only hope they will crowd out those that I choose to cut down. I can only hope.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Talking Turquoise

Since I've started the jewelry back up, I've begun thinking about the stones I feel most drawn too. Turquoise is one of those. I've never known why really. So yesterday I pulled my little stone book out and began to read. Turquoise connects us to the earth. It's sacred to many American Indian tribes as well (which is how I first became drawn to it). The Indians used turquoise and coral in paintings to bring rain. Others buried it to guard loved ones who had passed on. It's a stone of protection, of healing, courage, and love. It's no wonder I have always loved it. So the next time you feel alone, or in need of courage or protection, turquoise will help, whether it be a piece of jewelry or simply a chunk that you carry in your pocket.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

New Jewelry Pieces


Changing Joy

So today I have been thinking a lot. Thinking about love, change, anger, peace, and joy. I find myself to be a woman of many talents, a woman of many masks. I have many loves, writing and art just being two. I think about them quite a bit. I have a burning desire to be successful in what I do, especially when it comes to the things I love to do. Makes sense right? We all want to be successful in a "job" that we love. I have taken up the "job" mask several times before, and it never fit. This time, I desperately desire to do well, to cling to those masks. I find a sense of accomplishment and a sense of wonder in finishing a poem or in inking in the final touches on a painting. Though even that feeling must change, as things always do. I find myself changing what success means. I go from that sense of accomplishment being a great success to the sense of acceptance when a poem is published and paid for, or when my artwork is sold. I say acceptance, not accomplishment, because that is what it really is. Acceptance into the realm of artists, of writers, having them open their arms and say "We like you, you are one of us, stay and be happy." I hate that the joy has changed from accomplishment to acceptance. I am my own person and I should chant to my own beat. I have recently rediscovered a joy that was missing in my life, working with stones to make jewelry. This has caused me to stand back and re-evaluate why that joy had changed. I began choosing acceptance over my own personal joy. I want it back. I will have it back. Acceptance and Success don't mean being a well published poet or an artist whose work is displayed across the states. Sure, that would be nice.. But to really say that you are success? Be happy, do what brings you joy and do it well. If it's one thing, or five, just be.

Mixed up day...

Having a blah moment... So not fun.. yesterday was rough, and today isn't shaping up much better. Though I'm better today than yesterday, so that's a good thing. I keep going in spurts of good mood, then irritable. So not fun! I hate these types of days. I know the kids are craving some stability from me, which is part of why they are so crazy right now. I think I'm going to do some more jewelry work. That always lifts my spirits, even more so than art! Off to think on it... Heads up for the next post, I finished one of my new ideas and I"m in LOVE with it!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Freshening up :)

Updated most of my photographs of the paintings I have done. Got some extra detail in on most. Also added 2 new items! One of which is a great framed set of 4 beautiful Monarch Butterflies. Such stunning colors just in time for fall. Gives one a sense of warmth on a chilly fall day.


I have been doing a lot of freshening up of my paintings as well, working on some new ideas. Another post about those later though. It's hard sometimes to keep the confidence up about my work. But thanks to some wonderful friends and acquaintances, I feel good about things right now. :)

Had a rough day today, the kids have been crazy all day long.. Not sure what has gotten into them! Hoping it doesn't rain tomorrow, that way we can get them outside to play and they won't drive me even more nuts than I already am! ;)

Friday, September 10, 2010

feeling pretty good

Minus the headache, I've been feeling pretty good. Moods are fairly good, even my bad days seem to have a softer edge.. It'd be nice if the Abilify would take the swings away all together, but I'll take what I can get! The side effects are a bit crazy, but I can deal for now.. will talk it all over with the Pdoc in a couple weeks and see what she thinks is a good choice, staying on, or trying new.

I have been stoking the creative juices lately. I've been doing a TON of painting :) I'm really proud of how well they have been coming along. So far I have 2 new illustrations:





I've also been working on some jewelry, really enjoying that. :) It's so calming to work with natural stone and crystals. Just lifts my spirits. Not to mention the awesome sense of accomplishment I get from both the jewelry and the artwork. Now if only I'd get more good news from the several poetry submissions and I think I just might make it to cloud 9. ;) Either way though, I'll settle for feeling good.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Stupid me...

So.. yesterday I got pulled over for apparently coming to a "rolling stop" at a stop sign that I turned right at, instead of a complete stop. I don't remember not stopping, I would say I always stop. But maybe I didn't this time, I wasn't concentrating on driving, I was tallying up grocery money in my head. Got a ticket for the first time in my driving history.. I have NEVER had a ticket before. And I'm really upset over it. Looked up the price on line and it's something along the lines of INSANE. They wrote down "disregard for stop sign" on the ticket.. I guess that means "running" the sign? Which is technically not what I did, I don't think.. I don't know.. Anyways, point being, it's an insane fine, and hubby thinks I need to go to court to contest it and try to get it dismissed, especially since it's my first one.. I am TERRIFIED. I mean UTTER PANIC every time I even THINK about it. How am I going to do this? I can't do it.. I can't... Just thinking about it gives me the shakes, I just want to bolt... What am I going to do? And what if they don't dismiss it???? Then I have to pay the ticket AND court costs.. Let's put it this way... Memphis vs here... The ticket is FIVE TIMES AS MUCH here. What am I going to do?

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Success!!

So.. Much to my extreme delight.. I got an email yesterday from Midwifery Today. I sent in a birth poem to them around mid month, and it was accepted for publication!! I'll get 2 copies of the publication to share and a small bio underneath the poem. I'm SOOOO EXCITED! I was published in a High School Reader magazine, but that was waaaaay long ago ;) so this is awesome! Hopefully it's the first of many to add to my writing "resume". Time will tell. :)