Sunday, May 30, 2010

Migraines suck

Yeah, that says it all really. I'm still doing massive research on migraines. And Fibromyalgia. Did you know that both can be linked to pre-menopause? The delicate balance needed by a woman's body in regards to hormones is hard to maintaine. Hormones can wreck HAVOC when things aren't as they should be. I have bloodwork from a year ago showing mine were SOOOOO out of whack. I feel worse now than I did then, so I doubt they have corrected, infact the issues I am facing would lead me to believe that things are headed south quickly. Going to take some steps to address that, and hoping to see some relief on all fronts.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Getting sick...

I hate sore throats. It's the 2nd most hated "sick" symptom ever in my book. 1st would be nausea. I think it's because those 2 things are a constant reminder going "HELLO!" all the time..

So today is the first "official" day of summer break for the kids. Not sure what to do with them. I need to get a handle on the kids, interaction wise, or I'm never going to be successful at homeschooling. I know I don't need to keep them busy 24/7. And my mom swears up and down that parents who are constantly finding things for their kids to do aren't "normal".. you know, always keeping kids busy with craft projects and such.. not that there's anything wrong with doing that sort of thing, but all the time? It really makes us other moms feel like such slackers.. well, I do atleast. My therapist says the whole interaction issue I have, the relating thing, is an Aspie trait, just like the kids.. Never thought about it that way. I think that is going to make it even harder. I dunno. I guess I just wish they'd listen to me like they do their teachers. I have tried just about everything, even tried "discipline" like their teachers... didn't really work like I wanted. Connor is having accidents now that school is out and things are unstructured. I'm trying my best to pay attention to him so I know when he needs to go and is ignoring it. It's extremely hard not to get anrgy and irritable towards him though. I feel like sometimes he does it on purpose, just to piss me off.. It's an awful way to feel.

Oh, speaking of therapy, going to try and make an appt for next week to start things back up again. I'm looking forward to it.

Friday, May 21, 2010

a bit better...

Found someone to help me make some sense out of the supplements/genetics and I think we have a plan now. Started GABA and LOW doses of 5htp, in hopes that will level out my serotonin/dopamine levels. I start therapy in June, thanks to my mom. Now I just have to take it slow and don't get my hopes up...

Thursday, May 20, 2010

yesterday

so yesterday was bad. really bad. and today isn't too much better. I came off the deplin because it was causing agitation (ever since the zoloft). I am at a loss as to what to do. Too much serotonin, and I get agitated and rages. Too little and I am severely depressed. And with the mutations I have, my dopamine is high on top of it all.. it's a recipe for disaster. And I have no way of knowing how to fix it. It's the reason why all these "mood" meds make me all wonky.. either working well at first then feeling like they no longer work (too much serotonin at that point). I spent most of yesterday crying and pitching fits, yelling at the kids when they acted out or demanded too much of my attention. Today it's the anxiety that's getting me. And to top it all off, I've been running an asymptomatic low grade fever for 2 days, fluxing between chills and feeling like my face is on fire, but my temp is staying around 99.1-99.5.. I don't get it. Just don't get it.. And I don't see any help, any end in sight. The Dr. Yasko group is of NO help, they just tell me to buy boat loads of supplements and tests that I can't afford.. I just want to escape it all, run away.. but I can't, because I can't run away from ME.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Therapist

I wish I could find a therapist that would work for free or VERY little (like less than a co-pay each visit). I need help.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Dining with guilt...

I'm so numb right now with guilt.. I feel like I'm being forced to choose between my health and my kids' health. Because we don't have the money to do both. And Dr. Yasko's program makes it this "all or nothing" thing.. it's like, I paid all that money to figure out what what wrong with me, and now I can't fix me.. The kids have been so insane lately, and I KNOW they need some "step ups" on sups, and some new stuff added in but I can't possibly do both? So who do I choose? Myself or my kids???? I lose either way.

ups and downs

Been feeling odd lately.. I keep switching between sheer laziness, not caring at all, and feeling lost, searching, but empty.. Things have been weird. I haven't felt like myself since starting the zoloft and even though I've stopped it, I'm still not back where I should be. I have been searching for something... not sure really what yet. I keep getting these feelings that I'm missing something. I want to find what I'm missing, but I just can't seem to change me enough to try. That laziness overwhelms and I HATE it.. I do.. I hate me for being lazy. I'm hoping that I'll be able to combat it some with the new supplements I'm starting. I got my genetics results in and I'm a mess. Not as bad as others I'm sure, but the results explain a LOT. I won't go into the nitty gritty in this post, I'll try to do a separate post when I'm feeling more up to it. But lets just say, my bank account is in tears over the cost of all these new supplements and upcoming tests. Not sure what to do about that yet. Something has to be done, just not sure what.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

So sleepy...

Ok, so I didn't run away.. Feeling a bit better over the whole "panic" feeling. Got to my appt w/ the Neuro.. She's going to increase the Zanaflex to 4 times a day. She's hoping it will take care of the headaches/migraines and the FMS all in one big swoop. Here's hoping.. I really like her, she takes a lot of time to listen, and she explains her actions and choices. Very refreshing. She's actually a NP. Sad when a NP is more thorough and helpful and caring than an MD right? Oh, and got a call from the Rheumy doc.. They confirmed the pain in my sternum is just Costochondritis, which is basically cartilage inflammation. Then he had the nerve to shirk me off to yet another doctor.. This time he told me if I wanted to get an injection for pain-relief, I could go see a cardiologist. A cardiologist? WTF??? What does a cardiologist have to do with cartilage inflammation???? HE is supposed to be the one that deals with joint/muscle pain and inflammation! Stupid doctor. *sigh*
I've been burying myself in books lately.. Been a lot of stress and not feeling well. Trying to atleast manage my time, but when it comes to books, I could read ALL day. I guess it gives me a perfect escape.. I swear, if I could, I would live in my books. It would be amazing. I could become an awesome Aei Sedia, or I could learn to be a tracker and talk with wolves, or an elf with a magical voice, or a girl with a serious violin talent.. anything! It would be magical and exciting.. I could be anyone but me, and it would be perfect.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Run run run run run away....

I'm feeling that flighty feeling again. I can't seem to help it. I'm just stuck in this rut... I'm depressed, I know.. And I hurt. Migraines are back, my neck is a constaint pain, back, hips, knees, wrists all take their turn from day to day. These new glasses hurt my nose of all things, and I can't fathom taking them back, it's the second pair, I took the first back already! I'm so tired... and the depression isn't helping. I haven't gotten anything done, house is a mess again. Toys every where and dishes are piling up.

Problem is that to get out of the rut, changes have to be made.. And that scares me.. Not just the change itself, but I guess the effort of making that change. I guess I'm a lazy person, and that's a bit embarrassing to admit. But it's true I think. I coast along in the same groove because it's easy, effortless. Regardless to whether or not it's what's good for me, or my family. When am I going to get past the thinking that it's so HARD to change? Yeah, I know it's hard. Something has to be done though... And I'm terrified, restless, excited, and blank... How do I make the step from boo-hooing my problems to taking action? How?