Monday, April 26, 2010

More questions than answers

I hate not having answers to everything.. Must be a control issue? Back from the doctor this morning. Most of the test results came back normal (yay!). My bone scan showed an intense "hot spot" on my sternum (consistent with the pain I'm having there) that he thinks is either inflammation or an injury (though no injury to my knowledge) and some mild hotspot areas on my knees (degenerative - possible "arthritis") and my shoulders (which is odd, no issues there!). So I have an xray tomorrow of my chest to check for any bone injury. My sed rate is still slightly elevated and the autoimmune dsDNA test, which is fairly specific to Lupus, came back as weak-positive, though he does not think it means anything. Dr. thinks I do indeed have Fibromyalgia and is telling me to refer to both my psychiatrist and neurologist for treatment (with Lyrica). So I'm being shuffled off to ANOTHER FRICKING DOCTOR. And I'm still wary of that positive dsDNA test, though most research I can find on it, a weak-positive can rarely occur in "other-wise healthy women" per several sites. The dr doesn't want to treat me because when I was on the Neurontin, it caused more seizures, and with Lyrica being similar to neurontin, he isn't sure if it would also cause issues..

So now what? I wasn't planning on going back to the Neuro that was treating my NES, mainly because I was so mad at the fact that they wanted to just put me on meds instead of discussing the NES and searching for the reason. Not sure what to do.. the Zanaflex I'm taking nightly seems to help with most of the body pain right now, but I'll need to find a Neuro when that runs out (Zanaflex for chronic headaches/migraines). I hate health issues.

well... next?

Ok, that didn't work. Came off the Zoloft totally. Instead of helping w/ the anxiety, it caused me to go completely blah.. Even hubby said something. Stopped taking it yesterday, so hopefully it won't take long to get back to "normal". Even my "normal" is better than just not caring at all, right? Though, it may be a bad week, don't have my Deplin either. Can't afford to get it refilled until payday on Friday. Man do I hate living check to check..

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Geez...

Don't know why.. but this week has seen me go down the irritable path :( I'm just in a funk here lately.. Can't really make heads or tails of why... It doesn't help that the kids are off the walls lately too.. well, the boys are. I'm stressed over money again too. Can't afford to renew my Deplin this month and I run out in 3 days. Not a good thing. But the Deplin is $96 ($76 through the "savings" plan Deplin has) so that's a HUGE chunk of change to be spending each month. It's money that we just don't have. Which sucks, because it was really helping.. well, until this week really. Man I wish I could pinpoint out what's going on w/ me.

I'm sure some of it is dealing with frustration with the kids. It seems like we got them where we wanted them around the end of the year, beginning of this year, we pulled them off of all their supplements (except probiotics and melatonin) and they were doing SO WELL. And now, we're back to needing digestive enzymes, 5htp, biotin, zinc... frustrating. I don't know what to do. I have a feeling that the vaccinations are playing into our needing to add stuff back, Brae for one gets EXTREMELY hyper and overly impulsive afterwards and it takes us a good month to rectify it. But what's my alternative? Homeschooling just isn't for me. I have zero confidence in my abilities. There's NO way I would get an exemption against the rest of their shots, and I'm not even sure I would want them not getting them.. both paths scare me, frustrate me..

And I haven't even mentioned that my get up and go with house cleaning well, it got up and went.. We're back to trying to catch up all the time and it's overwhelming us again.. I'm trying, I am. But I'm beginning to hit another "I don't care" phase and I am really struggling.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Can't believe I did it!

I actually made my first submission for publication! ack! I submitted 2 poems to AGNI. :) whoohoo!! Here's hoping! Going to look at some more magazines as well... wish me luck!!!!!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Pre-midlife crisis??

Still feeling antsy. I want to make a difference. I want a change. I have been giving a lot of thought into rejoining the work field, at least part time. But the "normal" grind of jobs just don't appeal to me. My only job experience leans toward customer service, admin and retail... Not that I think badly about those types of positions, but I guess I'm looking fore more. If I could "make it" as a photographer or writer, I would jump at the opportunity. Those types of opportunities just don't present themselves very often, and I"m unsure about how to obtain them. I don't have enough confidence in myself for writing articles or books (though I have had SEVERAL ideas) nor starting a photography business (other than Etsy, and I'm rethinking that again) not to mention the lack of professional camera. Most of what I have a passion for, at least professionally speaking, requires a degree, which I don't have, can't afford to obtain, and honestly, I was never able to really master the lecture classes. I guess the think is, I feel ready for a "career" but I don't have a real way to obtain one. Frustrating to say the least... and a bit depressing.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Antsy...

I don't know why really, but I'm just sooo antsy to go take a trip somewhere.. It's not the house, I don't really feel overwhelmed about it. I think in part I miss the excitement of travel. In part also, travel was something I always did as a family.. It gave a feeling of togetherness.. And I miss that. My family is important to me, as is tradition.. I guess as we have all gotten older, our family has drifted some. Cousins have grown up and sister has moved away. I miss my sister a lot. Right now they are a 4 day drive away. I don't get to see her much anymore, maybe once a year. Last year we had the good fortune to be able to afford a ticket for myself and my oldest so we could go see her.. It was awesome. Wish I could do it again.

Dear Body,

Hi, how are you, I don't know if you remember, we met, oh, about 30ish years ago. I'm taking the time to write today and get back in touch with you. Seems you've been busy here of late. See, I know for a fact that no one appreciates the headaches and migraines you are doling out... as well as the constant nausea rolling in waves... Now I do admire your vigil and stamina, don't get me wrong. I think, dear body, that maybe you need to go on vacation, learn to live it up and have a little bit of fun. Maybe then the rest of us can get on with the day to day... It's ok, we'll cover for you!

Sincerely,

Mind and Spirit

Monday, April 12, 2010

Home is?

Everyone knows the saying "Home is where the heart is." Right? I have a hard time with the idea of "home" vs. "house". We've been in the same place for 7 years. And ever year I get the moving itch. Some of it I know is the "running away from my problems" jazz. But the other feelings? It's weird. I love the excitement of something new, don't get me wrong.. but... I look at my house, and I compare it to my friends houses.. They are settled. Let me explain. Decorations, paint, sentiment that claims the space and shouts out "this is MINE". You don't see much of that in my house. Infact, before visiting my sister in NC, I didn't have anything on the walls, except for a herbal display in the kitchen. I knew the kitchen was MINE, and marked it thus. The rest of the house? Not so much. Oh sure our stuff was cluttered in every nook and cranny.. but that was different. So when I came home from my sister's, I put up pictures of the kids. Still not really mine, still not "decorated" or "pretty". I feel antsy in my house. I wonder if that has anything to do with the house vs home concept. I haven't taken pride in my house really and I never really understood my hubby's need to be proud of our yard. I wonder if it's because it hasn't become a home to me yet. I'm hopeful that if I can get to the point of housework that is more maintenance and routine, instead of massive mess to clean, that I'll have time to really look at my house, and then make it mine. We don't have much money, I know.. I won't be able to do things like put paint on the walls or buy artwork.. but I'm sure if I can learn to take pride in my house, I'll find something to make it my home... I hope at any rate..

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Doctor Do-over?

Not really sure what to think right now about my neurologist.. I'm feeling really angry right now.. I have been on trial of every medicine.. Depakote caused rages, Keppra worked well, but made me really irritable, so the psychiatrist tried Lamictal and Trileptal, then when I rashed with those, asked me to have the neuro put me on something else, something non-"mood stablizing". So we switched to neurontin, which didn't help and caused more "seizures" or what I thought were seizures. So I called the doctor finally at the urging of a great friend, D. Well.. the nurse calls me back and says I've just about run the whole lot and that my psychiatrist should choose the next course of action.. What the hell type of answer is that? So I ask her if the wrong meds can infact induce more seizures or "change" them.. she says yes.. I ask her if I am in fact experiencing seizures. (Let me note, I called and asked this very question a month ago, because I was worried that this whole thing could have been anxiety or ADHD related instead and not true seizures and the Dr. on call said absolutely not anxiety or ADHD).. So ms nurse says "well, we call them 'episodes' instead." So basically she's saying that I'm having NES or non epileptic seizures.. Ok then, why not tell me that from the START and save me the trouble of all the meds and reactions and instead SEARCH FOR THE FUCKING CAUSE of these non-epileptic events???? Seriously.. So in the mean time, my joints as you all know flared up really badly after the steroids and now my soreness is much much worse.. And I was sent to an rheumitologist to go through further testing.... In the mean time.. I'm weaning off the Neurontin.. The neuro was going to put me back on Keppra, but I can not handle the moods. I am going to go with out the meds, what's the point of them right? I mean they may have been helping but it may have been me "relaxing" more knowing I was on something to help... These NESes could be migraine or Fibro related... (oh yeah, the RA doc things it's Fibromyalgia.. lovely...) So.. I'm not sure where to go from here, not sure if I'm going to actually go to the neuro appt at the end of April.. I may search for another doc that can help with the headaches... I haven't decided yet. Need to think on it... And I have the RA doc appt at the end of the month as well, just before the neuro, so that will be helpful as well... *think think think*

Friday, April 9, 2010

Hi, nice to meet me, I'm my doctor...

Going to be doing some serious hashing out of medical junk here soon.. Not tonight, because I've already taken my zanaflex and I'm ready to crash.. but soon.. I have to find some sense in everything, and this seems a good enough place to start.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Struggling with me.

Been struggling a lot here lately.. Not with moods, thankfully. For the most part that has been under control, a few outbursts and some overwhelmed moments but nothing serious. I have been struggling with taking care of myself. 99% of the time, I put the kids first. Each day, every day. I don't eat breakfast until they're out the door and on the bus. I buy them clothes instead of buying myself clothes. I make sure they are washed and cleaned and healthy, but I don't do the same for me.

I know I need to change that. I know I need to take time for me, take care of me. But it's hard to change. Part of me wonders if the reason I don't care so much about taking care of me is because I don't think I'm worth it? I don't know, psychoanalyzing myself should be left to the professionals. ;)

So.. if I need to change the whole taking care of the kids/me ratio, what do I start with? How do I start? And what's the right "ratio" of kids/me??? I hate not knowing the answers to questions... *sigh*

Monday, April 5, 2010

checking in...

I had a really great couple of days, I got a LOT done in ways of house work. vacuumed, swept, all the dishes done, counters cleaned, folded laundry... Lots of good stuff.. played out side a lot too... And Sunday.. not so much. I knew when I woke up it would be an off sorta day. Woke up sore. Had to make breakfast (which everyone liked, so that was good). THEN I had to make something for my family's easter potluck thing... Not so great. Planned on bringing some lunchmeats and the kids' bread, and a dessert. Decided I didn't have time for brownies, given everything around the house we had to do first. Then it was a rush to get out the door, and being in a rush KILLS me. Then we forgot some things and Richard had to go back for them. Then someone else brings lunch meat sandwhiches, and no one ate my desert (a fresh strawberry/banana gelatin dish) and it "melted" from being out, and I never got a chance to slip away to cool off, so I took a K and was feeling a bit better, then I dumped an entire glass of water on my pants. Had to borrow some from mom. Wasn't until everyone had left that I was feeling "ok". When we got home, we were so distracted that we forgot to put all the stuff up that needed refridgeration, and the 2 roasts I had in the crockpot were done. I unplugged the crock and took the lid off. Realized I had left the bread at mom's. She gave it to her friend to try on her kiddo (who might be GF soon) so I was just going to use gallon ziplocks for the roast since the container the bread was in is what we usually use for large foods. Only by the time I got off the phone w/ my mom, I'd completely forgotten about the roasts! So they sat out all night uncovered. So now I have to re-cook them up to temp in the crock to kill off any germs.. I'm just so annoyed that I had two GREAT days and now I'm back in a funk.

Oh and to make matters WORSE... When Richard got up this am, he didn't go let Merlin inside. (we let Merlin out at night because if we don't, he howls all night throughout the house) Well, when I got up, he was no where to be found.. Even with me calling for him, and shaking food.. He has NEVER done that so now I'm overly worried about him. Going to go for a walk later and see if I see him.

ugh.. why can't life be easy?

Thursday, April 1, 2010

wow...

Looking down there, hrm.. yeah, I really am insane aren't I?? Feeling a good bit better this morning.. Klonipin does that.. Took the first .5 and nothing. Took another .5 at bedtime.. Feeling better now.. Hoping I can handle what's on my plate now that the "meltdown" is over...