Tuesday, March 30, 2010

so unsure..

I'm really not sure what to think anymore. I'm so tired of more and more things about me giving out or getting worse.. *sigh* I keep saying I feel like a hypochondriac and I DO feel like one. Except I don't WANT to be sick, or hurt... I just want to be a normal person with normal aches and pains, not this 80 yo woman trapped in a 30 yo's body! I swear.. And I get to sit around and listen to the doubt around me from some people over what's going on, and that just makes me feel even more so like a hypochondriac! It makes me question myself.. a lot. It is all in my head? I KNOW I'm not making it up.. Take the Epilepsy for example. EEG was normal and according to the "substitute" doc I saw, the muscle twitching is "psuedo" meaning "in my head". Ok, so what about the rest? My psychiatrist is questioning whether or not I have epilepsy because of the TYPE I have and the symptoms, she wants to know if it could be anxiety or ADHD causing the issues. So I called and they said no way could it be anxiety or ADHD. So.. they still haven't sat me down and said for SURE that my seizures are epilepsy. It leaves me questioning. And my mom is doubtful and questioning my doc's judgement. I've been on more meds than I care to count, most of which I reacted badly to, either in mood changes, or physically (rashes). And now this whole soreness and joint pain comes back and is worse than it used to be (and it used to be highly annoying.. now it's just bad and annoying)... So my reg doc sends me to an RA doc. And thankfully it's NOT RA or Lupus, or any of those inflammatory autoimmune issues. He thinks it's fibromyalgia.. Great.. what's one more log on my fire? really, I don't care that it's a bon fire the size of a house.. He's running some tests just to be safe. Don't expect anything out of those, though I'll admit the bone scan is going to be cool, just from a geek stand point :P Anyways.. I like the doc, he didn't think I was "crazy" or searching for a certain diagnosis, or anything like that.. But I don't know, I still feel crazy for going to the doc at all.. Is it just me? My friend D will probably read this and kick my cyberbutt for this post.. She's good at setting me straight ;) I just keep wondering what else could go wrong? And when do I get to feel better? If I feel this crappy now, what's 80 going to look like? I'm just sick of all the doc appts, for me, for the kids... It's just insane and it's been all at once.. I need a break.. bleh.

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