I know what needs to be done. I know if I really WANT to, I can do it. But as much as I want to get better, feel better, get the kids feeling better.. I JUST DON"T FUCKING WANT TO. Yes. I'm being a big baby. I DON"T FUCKING CARE. Seriously. You're asking me to go in and change EVERYTHING. I know the biomed (to a point) is working, we've seen it. And we've seen what happens when we come off. Not just with the kids, but with me too. If you've seen my previous biomed type posts, then you know how much I'm struggling here. I know part of it is the guess work. The guess work just KILLS ME. I want to KNOW. NOT GUESS. I want to look at a reaction and say "Yup, that's die off" or "Wow, he's really sensitive to that supplement". I don't want to sit for weeks at a time and WONDER if a reaction to a supplement is a GOOD THING or a BAD THING. I also don't want to get treated by doctors like I'm some sort of LOONEY for doing biomed, diet changes, etc. And I don't want to get treated like an outcast by the biomed community for choosing a MEDICATION over a supplement, or for choosing to vaccinate my children. (Yes, they were UNVAXED WHEN THEY WERE DIAGNOSED ON THE AUTISM SPECTRUM. SO SHOVE THAT STATISTIC UP YOURS). I'm very sensitive on the vax causes autism debate. Many many many people in the autism community that do biomed feel that because my children were not vaxed, that they can't possibly have autism. AND, get this, many many many people in the autism community (and medical community) feel that because my children were not vaxed, that one, I'm a BAD EVIL NO GOOD PARENT, and that this is PROOF that vaccinations DON'T cause autism. DAMNIT I'M NOT A FUCKING STATISTIC AND NEITHER ARE MY CHILDREN. But that's besides the point of this particular rant.. remind me, and I'm sure I'd be more than happy to scream about that later..
Now.. I'm really lucky that I have fallen in with some great friends that don't judge me.. AWESOME FRIENDS both biomed and nonbiomed (you know who you are!!!!!!). And I have to admit, I'm jealous of all of them. Those on the biomed side have seen such dramatic wonders, they are so sure of the things that work... They see progress and rejoice. Those on the nonbiomed side who turn to tradition meds, or just therapy, see results. They show off in pride. I am SO HAPPY for both.. but I'm soooo frickin jealous. We abandoned the biomed side with the one exception of diet. Diet (gluten and milk, sort of soy) have been so OBVIOUS in helping. For Connor - Gluten was HUGE in recovering his loss of speech. For Braeden - dear lord if he gets ahold of ANYTHING gluten or soy or artifical in color/sugar I'd like to kill the boy he gets so insane (note: like to, not actually DO) and dairy give him such painful tummy issues. Morri - Gluten causes her to have such severe reflux that when we take her off gluten, it can take 3 months for the reflux to resolve. Me - yeah.. well.. let's see shall we: Gluten/Corn/Soy = me looking over 6 months pregnant.. I'm NOT KIDDING. Dairy = me turning into SATAN. I'm NOT KIDDING! I *think* soy is doing the same as dairy. The more I eat of it, I think I'm noticing more and more. But then again, there's that "guess work" that I can't STAND. And we tried SCD (Specific Carb Diet) for the food sensitivities and the yeast/bacteria (I KNOW we all have that issue) and we did really well, for a very small time. But it became expensive QUICK. I'm talking we're a family of 5 and were spending about $2,000 a month in food, and still running out! And then there's the serotonin issue. I find out a good 3 months in, that people who have severely low serotonin levels (ME) should not do the diet, because a lot of the grains that are eliminated are foods that provide tryptan for the body to convert into serotonin. So yeah, I went even MORE insane than usual. Not to mention the constant hunger, listening to all my family members complain about always being hungry, the constant cooking, the kitchen that exploded because in order to cook 24/7 there's no time to clean... yeah..
Anyways.. I know we need some serious intervention, mostly diet, but def. some supplements as well. I KNOW WE DO. But what do we use? How do we do it? HOW do I make that change ONCE AGAIN? Only to fail again? What the hell is going to be left for me to eat? And who's to say that limiting our food choices on a diet isn't going to create MORE food issues? Seriously.. So far I'm "sensitive" to gluten, wheat, dairy, soy, peanuts, safflower, shrimp, oats, corn, pineapple, crab, egg whites, yeast, and rice. Wheat and milk are also lowgrade TRUE allergies for me (Rice and egg white are very mild, but if that's all I eat??? )
Connor is sensitive to (we tested him at 18mo, so I'm sure this has changed) beef, dairy, gluten, crab, lemon, oregano, green pepper, soy, and wheat. He has a lowgrade TRUE allergy to squash.
Braeden is sensitive to (are you ready for this?) apple, cantaloupe, cashew, cauliflower, coconut, coffee (COFFEE????), corn, egg white, eggplant, garlic, gluten, grape, grapefruit, honey, milk, mustard, oats, peas, peanuts, green pepper, pineapple, sesame, soy, tomato, walnut, watermelon and wheat. He has a TRUE allergy to egg that has gotten MUCH worse, he now rashes if he has eggs more than once a week.
Morri - we haven't even TESTED yet!
So.. you tell me.. WHAT THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO EAT? HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MAKE THIS WORK??????????????????????????
I haven't even started on the supplement issues.. I'll voice those issues in a bit, the kids are needing me. And I really don't need to get anymore worked up than I am.. going to go breathe for a bit.. *sigh*