Thursday, March 4, 2010

Fuck.

I screwed up... bad. We're hurting for money, worse than ever and it's MY FUCKING FAULT... Shit, I don't know what to do, we're already selling everything I can think of, and it's not enough..

Is this shit ever going to get better or is my life going to always end up in a fucking hole?

4 comments:

Laura said...

Melissa, regardless of how you feel about yourself, or the hopelessness you feel yourself drowning in right now, know that you are loved deeply and without any conditions. You are loved.

Angela said...

Oh, Mel. I know what you mean. I don't know what to say. Nothing ever makes a difference when I'm feeling like that. More than just a feeling. It's an entity - it's me. It's absolute truth. But it's false. But that doesn't matter, because it's absolute truth. But it really isn't. But that's irrelevant. There's nothing that I can say or do or be told that changes that fact. But it's not a fact. It's a feeling, however profound. And feelings do not reflect reality. It doesn't matter how all-encompassing those feelings are. They're just feelings - even though they're based in absolute truth, but no they're not, but yeah they are, but no - even though they have a life of their own. Even though that's all I can see. Even though I don't give a damn that they're not real - because they are, even though they're not - but I don't fucking give a fucking damn because nothing fucking matters. In those times - which last forever - I have only barely kept myself alive Only because I know my family would be forever and completely and irrevocably destroyed if I didn't. Even though, at those times, I know my presence in their lives is doing them more harm than good. Even though that's not completely true, but it is. But it isn't.

I know what you mean. You're not alone with this, even though it feels like it. Even though it doesn't matter if you are - but it does. Even though it doesn't. You don't have to pretend with me. You can burn those masks around me. I wear them too. Maybe my "i'm shit" times and your "i'm shit" times - which last absolutely forever (but they don't) and never completely end - can take turns, and we can be the anti-shit for each other.

Just Me said...

I love how you "get" it Angela.. I"m all about being your anti-shit.

readingsully2 said...

Only people who have gone through what you are going through can truly get it, Mel. But the rest of us can empathize and just be hear listening to you.