Wednesday, March 31, 2010

lost it

Don't know why, or what triggered it. Could've been the dog eating the toys, shitting and pissing in my house.. Could have been the diva screaming HER head off all day.. could've been the oldest and his accident.. I don't know.. All I know is I want to run away today.. My kids don't need this, they don't need me. They need a loving and caring mom.. not me.. not this "satan" version of mom... I just don't know what to do what to think.. yesterday was ok, why isn't today? Something has GOT to give. I'm not sure how much more I can deal with, not sure how much more my KIDS can deal with.. I FUCKING HATE THIS.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

so unsure..

I'm really not sure what to think anymore. I'm so tired of more and more things about me giving out or getting worse.. *sigh* I keep saying I feel like a hypochondriac and I DO feel like one. Except I don't WANT to be sick, or hurt... I just want to be a normal person with normal aches and pains, not this 80 yo woman trapped in a 30 yo's body! I swear.. And I get to sit around and listen to the doubt around me from some people over what's going on, and that just makes me feel even more so like a hypochondriac! It makes me question myself.. a lot. It is all in my head? I KNOW I'm not making it up.. Take the Epilepsy for example. EEG was normal and according to the "substitute" doc I saw, the muscle twitching is "psuedo" meaning "in my head". Ok, so what about the rest? My psychiatrist is questioning whether or not I have epilepsy because of the TYPE I have and the symptoms, she wants to know if it could be anxiety or ADHD causing the issues. So I called and they said no way could it be anxiety or ADHD. So.. they still haven't sat me down and said for SURE that my seizures are epilepsy. It leaves me questioning. And my mom is doubtful and questioning my doc's judgement. I've been on more meds than I care to count, most of which I reacted badly to, either in mood changes, or physically (rashes). And now this whole soreness and joint pain comes back and is worse than it used to be (and it used to be highly annoying.. now it's just bad and annoying)... So my reg doc sends me to an RA doc. And thankfully it's NOT RA or Lupus, or any of those inflammatory autoimmune issues. He thinks it's fibromyalgia.. Great.. what's one more log on my fire? really, I don't care that it's a bon fire the size of a house.. He's running some tests just to be safe. Don't expect anything out of those, though I'll admit the bone scan is going to be cool, just from a geek stand point :P Anyways.. I like the doc, he didn't think I was "crazy" or searching for a certain diagnosis, or anything like that.. But I don't know, I still feel crazy for going to the doc at all.. Is it just me? My friend D will probably read this and kick my cyberbutt for this post.. She's good at setting me straight ;) I just keep wondering what else could go wrong? And when do I get to feel better? If I feel this crappy now, what's 80 going to look like? I'm just sick of all the doc appts, for me, for the kids... It's just insane and it's been all at once.. I need a break.. bleh.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

ugh...

I really really hate the unpredictable ups and downs.. I have no idea why I'm so irritable and grumpy today :( I just can't help it.. *sigh*

Saturday, March 27, 2010

We are what we eat?

If that's the case, then I truly am a Nut! :P Seriously though... I have been doing some serious thought on diet.. I am really tired of not eating "normally" and by normally, I don't mean like the "average horrible american diet". I simply mean, I'm tired of the GFCFSFEFPFSGFCRF "ABC" diet :P That is to say.. Gluten/Casein/Soy/Egg/Peanut/Sugar/Corn free.... The thing is though, I feel better physically. And dear god do I know that for me casein free is a set in stone rule. There's not much choice in diet for my family. And we've had quite a fair share of issues with diet. Do we try the Specific Carb Diet, where we limit all "big carbs" and only ingest the tiny little easy to break down carbs like some fruits, honey, and tons of meat and fats? Do we try the Low Oxalate diet (which I honestly don't understand much of, other than it takes away what SCD allows you to eat)? Do we try the Body Ecology Diet (your "basic" yeast free carb free yeast busting diet)? Do we just try to avoid those sensitivities we have and just learn to live with the yeastie beasties that "could be" raging through our bodies? Do we give up all together? Do we? Do we? Do we? Now THAT is a ton of questioning.. and damnit, questions NEED answers, right? Right. Unfortunately, I don't think these questions really have, or will ever have an answer... Or at least, a uniform answer of right and wrong, yes and no. So... I took to my own task of picking these diets apart. Finding what people liked and saw progress with, and what they didn't like, or questioned one too many times... Did I find anything out? I dunno, I'll tell ya in a month... :P Seriously. I'm going to pick and choose from all of the above.. and just plain give it a go. We're going to continue the "ABC" diet of avoidance, and rotation of what sensitivities we have.. and if I can save up enough $$ we'll retest those sensitivities. We're going to go the way of a base probiotic maintenance along side a high potency yogurt or "ice cream".. Will it be goats milk? or Cow's milk? or Almond milk? Well, for now I'm going to try with Almond or Coconut milk, but I may brave cows milk later. I can "handle" Parmesan fine, so I have high hopes that I will be able to handle the "properly" made cows milk yogurt. We shall see... I just ordered a new sweetener.. Erythritol which is "flavored" with Lo Han Sweet concentrate. It's similar to what BED recommends as a sweetener. We will be going with higher protein carbs like quinoa and brown rice.. some what limited on potatoes, hardly any corn if we can.. We're going to cut some of the high sugar fruits.. stick more with berries, green apples, no more grapes, we'll "make" lemonade using the sweetener and lemons, or just have plain lemon water.. bananas will be one every other day or less... at least for now. brown rice flour, GF oat flour and no corn starch, we'll use potato starch as needed, same with tapioca starch. The quinoa flour is "so so" on taste but we'll use it a bit along with some nut flours.. Nut flours are pricey so we're mixing... A lot of this has to do with our back pocket as well...

Now.. challenges include:
What's for lunch?
We're eating that AGAIN?
I just finished cooking, what do you mean your hungry?

So.. I would love some ideas. I have a very hard time with keeping up w/ house work, so this will prove a big task. I'm working on that issue. Hoping it will make things much smoother if I can get caught up and "train" myself to keep it up... the change is the biggest hurdle. I am accpeting prayers (no matter the faith) and lots and lots of positive and healing energy. I'm going to need all the help I can get. ;)

Friday, March 26, 2010

New therapist

Met my new therapist today, I REALLY like her.. My friend S gave me her name.. Thanks!!! She was really interested in the "big picture" as well as the problems, and really looked at things from all angles. If I can manage childcare, we're going to try and meet 4 times this coming month, to get to know each other and what we're dealing with and we'll go from there.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

the day to day

Well.. the Deplin really seems to be having a good effect on me. My moods I have really noticed haven't been down lately.. Even when I feel the "spiral" it's down to a more "blah" I don't care mood more than it's going to a serious "I hate the world" depression. Which is a vast improvement. The anxiety seems less as well, more able to "handle" it. I think I'm panicking less, thinking things through a bit more. Coming off the Keppra seems to be part of it. I notice about 1 day after the Keppra dose (I'm weaning off) I get a rage flare, and then I'm fine. Now "that time of the month" is a completely different story. The moods and temper flare bad about 4ish days or so before. And then I get "THAT" migraine about 2 days before.. Took my maxalt yesterday.. Still have the eye pain, can't look anywhere w/ out the pain. Which isn't normal for me.. I get the eye pain at random times, and it's a normal thing for me but it's usually not linked to a migraine nor is it linked to my cycle. So this time is different. Makes me a bit paranoid, what with the joint pain and all.. Yeah, I'm still waking up in pain. We did blood tests. I'm very low in Vit. D, and my sed rate is up. YAY. :( Not happy. I was referred to a reumatologist by the reg. doc. My RF came back "normal" they said. I'll be honest, I've been very concerned about my arthritis being RA. And from things I've read, about 20% of all RA cases (possibly more) show up as RF neg. Same with Lupus, about 15% of all cases show up ANA neg for years, AND only 40% of people with Lupus have the "classic" butterfly rash. I know, I know.. I sound like a hypochondriac.. I KNOW. But when you live with the daily pain, the constant issues.. you start to think about these things. Seriously. I could probably bet that over half of the people that are "hypochondraics" have something legit going on.. just haven't been looked at by docs that will take them seriously. My grandmother was treated like a hypochondriac. Granted she didn't take good care of her body (something I can't discuss here w/out my mom's permission... post to come possibly). But the docs tested for a few things, given her issues. They even tested for MS because of her symptoms.. it came back as inconclusive. They pushed her away as a hypochondriac. By the time they FINALLY took her seriously again, they found cancer. By the time they decided she wasn't "faking it" or "making it up for attention", the cancer had literally spread to her entire body. There was nothing they could do.. So I will tell you.. when it comes to MY health, or MY KIDS' health.. Don't tell me I'm a hypochondriac. I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm tired of the weird feelings in my head, the ones that make me feel disconnected, or drunk (without the drinking), like jello, like the world is twitching and moving around me. I'm tired of the moods, the bloated tummy no matter what I eat, the odd skin reactions, loosing my hair, the popping joints, the random chest/lung pain, the constant yeast issues on my skin. I'M TIRED OF IT. And I'm lucky that I've found some doctors who will listen. I just hope the luck continues.. Because I want answers. They can tell me it's not x or y, and I'll be happy with that, but I still want to know WHAT. And I want to take care of it.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Thoughts...

Been hashing out a lot in my head, not quite to the point of typing them out.. but soon. I'm "psychoanalyzing" myself a lot lately. And hopefully coming up with some answers. I'm trying not to obsess over things, like Etsy, or getting another animal. Not sure why I obsess so much.. working on that...

So I guess consider this "to be continued".. for when I'm not so tired and my brain is not so foggy :P

Thursday, March 18, 2010

rabbit hole

going back down.. again.. *sigh*

Courage Willow....

ok.. I am about to take a very very very (did I mention very?) large, gigantic leap outside of my comfort zone.

I've decided to make the move. I'm submitting my poetry to several places to be considered for publication.. *hyperventilates* This is huge for me.. I have always had confidence in my poetry (it's the ONE area where I have awesome self esteem). But to submit it for review to professionals? That's, well.. terrifying.

I'm going to do it though.. I'm gathering the publications and info I need now. This weekend will be spent typing up poems and cover letters.. I have to come up with a short "bio" for a lot of them. That will be difficult, I hate "talking" about myself in a bio sort of way.. But it will be worth it, if my poems are accepted! Could you imagine? ME, a published poet!!! I think I would just die.. die of happiness. :) I miss the poet in me.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Waking up in pain...

Yeah. The title says it all. So, back when I had the reaction to the Trileptal, the ER doc gave me a high dose prednisone RX. Basically, double the "normal" steroid pack. Started at 60mg (which is a LOT for little me) and titrated down over 10 days, instead of the normal 5 day period. By the 2nd day in, my fingers were stiff and puffy/swollen. By the 3rd day, my wrists and shoulders hurt, and I was sore at night, couldn't get comfy in bed. By day 5, my hips, knees and ankles burned and felt inflamed, very sore, tendons were really tight feeling. I'm off the steroids and still getting worse. Today? I feel like someone snuck into my bedroom last night and literally beat the crap out of me. The only area of my body that doesn't hurt? My neck. Every other joint in my body hurts or feels stiff as a board.. Even my skin hurts. Lovely.

Heading to the doc in roughly 1 1/2 hours. I swear.. If I didn't already know I had valid medical issues, I'd think I was a hypochondriac. Can I trade my body in for a newer model? Please? I can pay in cash. ;)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Hakuna Matata...

Been thinking. Going through old pictures. Remembering good times.

There haven't been many good times lately. I miss that. I know things change. Friends come and go. Life never stops.. But I really liked myself back then. Something happened. I'm not really sure what, but I want to find out. I want to have good times again. Those times when you look back and just giggle, laugh, smile and sigh.

I think it's time to start. I can beat my issues. I can have good times again. I'm ready.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Med Changes.. again.

Ok. So the psychiatrist started me on Deplin, which is a high dose RX Methylfolate. And she's hoping that it will help w/ the depression/anxiety. She FULLY understood my telling her about the mutation and methylation pathway issue and was seriously intrigued with me doing the genetics test w/ Dr. Amy Yasko. She wants to be "kept in the loop" with the results. She had me put a call into the Neuro since I wasn't going to see him until April 2nd (they can't squeeze me in sooner) because she wants to see if there is ANYTHING else I can do other than the Keppra (since "moodstablizer meds" seem to affect me so poorly).

So just got off the phone w/ Dr. N and they agreed to a med change, and they are hoping that Neurontin will be as helpful as the Keppra was on seizures, minus the mood issues, and hopefully it will help with the headaches. I told them that while I was on the trileptal that I had NO headaches.. but when I came off it, they started back up again. So they are hopeful that Neurontin will do the trick (like Topomax did.. only hopefully no bad side effects).

I do find it sooooo very frustrating that my body reacts SO weirdly to meds.. I tend to throw the docs for a loop..

Anyways, took my first Deplin today, I do feel "peppier" and here's hoping it will continue in a positive direction...

....

I love my hubby.. because even when he has no idea what to do, he still manages to make me feel better...

Doc appt with the psychiatrist today.. I've been going back through all my postings and while I seem to have rapid ups and downs, a lot of it seems to me, to be triggered by anxiety. So.. the next step I think we will look at is anxiety meds. BUT the trick will be finding one that doesn't aggravate the seizures. I'm not technically allowed to take Valium, or drink, because both can make seizures worse. And Dr. N, my neuro, is going to seriously yell at me.. I've got to call him and move my appt up from April 2nd, hoping he'll resolve the return of my constant headache pain/migraines. Also hoping he'll have some insight on the "fall asleep" issue. I have this problem where.. ok, you know how when you are SO TIRED that you could just fall asleep sitting still? ("Nodding off") And you know that "rising tingle" feeling you get in your head when you "start" back awake? I get that "rising tinglfeeling, just a weird e" when I move around, it' comes up my face and the inside of my head, behind my eyes. Not a dizzy feeling. Which is what most drs think, that's it's something like vertigo. Nope. I know vertigo, I get that sometimes. This.. not that. But I know Dr. N. He will figure it out. I just need to make sure that I know what I'm talking about when I head in there. He doesn't like non-sense. And I'm already in "trouble" w/ him.. for the valium, the alcohol, and not keeping a seizure journal like I'm supposed to. (Deb would totally beat me... *hangs head in shame*) Gotta work on that. So just a warning that this blog may end up with the odd post rambling on and on about health and such (like that over-dramatic biomed post down there....)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

i know. I know.. *RANT**RANT**RANT*

I know what needs to be done. I know if I really WANT to, I can do it. But as much as I want to get better, feel better, get the kids feeling better.. I JUST DON"T FUCKING WANT TO. Yes. I'm being a big baby. I DON"T FUCKING CARE. Seriously. You're asking me to go in and change EVERYTHING. I know the biomed (to a point) is working, we've seen it. And we've seen what happens when we come off. Not just with the kids, but with me too. If you've seen my previous biomed type posts, then you know how much I'm struggling here. I know part of it is the guess work. The guess work just KILLS ME. I want to KNOW. NOT GUESS. I want to look at a reaction and say "Yup, that's die off" or "Wow, he's really sensitive to that supplement". I don't want to sit for weeks at a time and WONDER if a reaction to a supplement is a GOOD THING or a BAD THING. I also don't want to get treated by doctors like I'm some sort of LOONEY for doing biomed, diet changes, etc. And I don't want to get treated like an outcast by the biomed community for choosing a MEDICATION over a supplement, or for choosing to vaccinate my children. (Yes, they were UNVAXED WHEN THEY WERE DIAGNOSED ON THE AUTISM SPECTRUM. SO SHOVE THAT STATISTIC UP YOURS). I'm very sensitive on the vax causes autism debate. Many many many people in the autism community that do biomed feel that because my children were not vaxed, that they can't possibly have autism. AND, get this, many many many people in the autism community (and medical community) feel that because my children were not vaxed, that one, I'm a BAD EVIL NO GOOD PARENT, and that this is PROOF that vaccinations DON'T cause autism. DAMNIT I'M NOT A FUCKING STATISTIC AND NEITHER ARE MY CHILDREN. But that's besides the point of this particular rant.. remind me, and I'm sure I'd be more than happy to scream about that later..
Now.. I'm really lucky that I have fallen in with some great friends that don't judge me.. AWESOME FRIENDS both biomed and nonbiomed (you know who you are!!!!!!). And I have to admit, I'm jealous of all of them. Those on the biomed side have seen such dramatic wonders, they are so sure of the things that work... They see progress and rejoice. Those on the nonbiomed side who turn to tradition meds, or just therapy, see results. They show off in pride. I am SO HAPPY for both.. but I'm soooo frickin jealous. We abandoned the biomed side with the one exception of diet. Diet (gluten and milk, sort of soy) have been so OBVIOUS in helping. For Connor - Gluten was HUGE in recovering his loss of speech. For Braeden - dear lord if he gets ahold of ANYTHING gluten or soy or artifical in color/sugar I'd like to kill the boy he gets so insane (note: like to, not actually DO) and dairy give him such painful tummy issues. Morri - Gluten causes her to have such severe reflux that when we take her off gluten, it can take 3 months for the reflux to resolve. Me - yeah.. well.. let's see shall we: Gluten/Corn/Soy = me looking over 6 months pregnant.. I'm NOT KIDDING. Dairy = me turning into SATAN. I'm NOT KIDDING! I *think* soy is doing the same as dairy. The more I eat of it, I think I'm noticing more and more. But then again, there's that "guess work" that I can't STAND. And we tried SCD (Specific Carb Diet) for the food sensitivities and the yeast/bacteria (I KNOW we all have that issue) and we did really well, for a very small time. But it became expensive QUICK. I'm talking we're a family of 5 and were spending about $2,000 a month in food, and still running out! And then there's the serotonin issue. I find out a good 3 months in, that people who have severely low serotonin levels (ME) should not do the diet, because a lot of the grains that are eliminated are foods that provide tryptan for the body to convert into serotonin. So yeah, I went even MORE insane than usual. Not to mention the constant hunger, listening to all my family members complain about always being hungry, the constant cooking, the kitchen that exploded because in order to cook 24/7 there's no time to clean... yeah..

Anyways.. I know we need some serious intervention, mostly diet, but def. some supplements as well. I KNOW WE DO. But what do we use? How do we do it? HOW do I make that change ONCE AGAIN? Only to fail again? What the hell is going to be left for me to eat? And who's to say that limiting our food choices on a diet isn't going to create MORE food issues? Seriously.. So far I'm "sensitive" to gluten, wheat, dairy, soy, peanuts, safflower, shrimp, oats, corn, pineapple, crab, egg whites, yeast, and rice. Wheat and milk are also lowgrade TRUE allergies for me (Rice and egg white are very mild, but if that's all I eat??? )
Connor is sensitive to (we tested him at 18mo, so I'm sure this has changed) beef, dairy, gluten, crab, lemon, oregano, green pepper, soy, and wheat. He has a lowgrade TRUE allergy to squash.
Braeden is sensitive to (are you ready for this?) apple, cantaloupe, cashew, cauliflower, coconut, coffee (COFFEE????), corn, egg white, eggplant, garlic, gluten, grape, grapefruit, honey, milk, mustard, oats, peas, peanuts, green pepper, pineapple, sesame, soy, tomato, walnut, watermelon and wheat. He has a TRUE allergy to egg that has gotten MUCH worse, he now rashes if he has eggs more than once a week.
Morri - we haven't even TESTED yet!

So.. you tell me.. WHAT THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO EAT? HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MAKE THIS WORK??????????????????????????

I haven't even started on the supplement issues.. I'll voice those issues in a bit, the kids are needing me. And I really don't need to get anymore worked up than I am.. going to go breathe for a bit.. *sigh*

Saturday, March 13, 2010

let's see now...

Next to no sleep last night.. check.
Asthama acting up... check.
Allergies gone wild.... check.
Irritable.... check.
Annoyed w/ the kids every breath... check.


Please oh please let me hold it together today!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Ok.. let's see...

It stormed last night, I remember very drowsily waking up to what I *think* was hail. (I took a klonopin last night as a "test" to see how I'd feel this AM) So I vaguely remember the storm. And I know it's going to rain again tonight, storm most likely. But today it's supposed to be gorgeous. And this morning? Aside from a bit of a hangover feeling (that is to say, VERY groggy and fuzzy.. slept a bit too late) I managed to get the kids fed, do Connor's lunch, both snacks, remember water, a note to Brae's teacher for an IEP, AND... wait for it..... I got dressed to walk them down to the bus. Yes... you read that right. getting dressed for me, is a major accomplishment. No, not because I don't know how, that's just stupid. But let's just say that on a GOOD day, I might be dressed by the time Richard comes home from work. On a bad day? hah. So yeah, no robe this am, no PJs, I'm in real honest to goodness clothing. My mood isn't bad either.. Was it the klonopin? Dunno. Storm? Dunno. Going to keep taking the klonopin every night and see if it's a "build up in the system" sort of thing that keeps me calm enough w/ the anxiety that I can handle the problems that come at me. If it was the storm, well then, damnit Gaia needs to make it happen way more often ;) not just that nasty rainy drizzle, I mean STORM.

But either way, we'll see where this takes us. I need to make an appt w/ the Psychiatrist now that I'm off the steriods (which may also be helping!!!) so we can discuss the plan of "attack" since I obviously don't react well to the stablizers.

We're also looking at genetics. I took the $ plunge and did the MTHFR test.. The results?

Result: C677T Single mutation (C677T) identified

Interpretation:
This patient's sample was analyzed for the MTHFR mutations
C677T and A1298C. A single copy of the C677T mutation was
identified. Results for the A1298C mutation were negative.
The diagnosis of hyperhomocysteinemia can not rely on DNA
testing alone but should take into consideration clinical
findings and other studies, such as serum homocysteine
levels. Because MTHFR mutations and their associated risks
are inherited, genetic counseling is recommended.



So what does this mean? well.. The body "methylates" certain vitamins to make things like serotonin and melatonin, tryptophan.. all the "feel good" hormones and chemicals that regulate the body. My body has a bottleneck at the top of that cycle. You give my body Folic acid and it cocks an eyebrow and says "Ok, yeah.. now what?" So I don't MAKE the cycle complete, the serotonin, the tryptophan... that stuff.. so if I take the BASE form of folic (which is called Methylfolate) then my dna can use that to complete the cycle, because it's already broken down into the form it needs. I can't break down the "normal" stuff. Which I find utterly facinating.. (me and that whole medical passion coming out there!)

Anyways, all that to say, we're very very tempted to shell out $500 from our FSA to do the FULL genetic testing. The up side? I would KNOW with out a doubt what supplements would work for me, and what will hurt. The down side? Not being able to afford all the supplements.. that and KNOWING I should change certain things, which for me.. change is HELL. yeah.. so it's food for thought in the mean time. I do really think that the testing will pay for itself in the end.. my sanity is priceless right? :)

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

alright alright.. I get it...

Take a chance, I hear you.. I did.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/BrokenMuse

So here's for taking chances.. Here's for hope. Here's for NOT setting myself up for failure. If I'm sharing with the world, just to share, then no sales isn't a rejection. Just keep saying that right?

Believe.

Believe.

Believe.

Monday, March 8, 2010

arg...

It's sunny.. beautiful... 72 degrees outside.. I'm tired and feel like I'm sliding back down again.. why? I just don't get it.

setting up

I'm feeling it again, a pulling... I want to show the world how I see them. Not meaning that in a negative way, I'm not.. It's just.. I wish that I could turn my brain into a giant computer... I would pull the images my eyes and mind linger on, and download them. To be able to share that intimate and very real feeling I get when I see something, the WAY I see it, the way I FEEL it... If I could be one giant camera, then maybe I should explain my uniqueness. Maybe I could explain me? And then, that's not my desire at all. Well, not totally. I guess I feel so deeply, so raw and raggedly, that what I see, I feel. I want to share that with the world. I want to throw the images up and say "See it! Beauty! Pain! Emotion! Hate! Love! Death! Life! SEE IT!". I see such things.. Glimpses beyond a shattered image, I see the truth inside things. I see the dispair and the rejection of a rusted wagon forgotten in the weeds. I see the longing in the eyes of a toy, thick with dust, still in it's place. I see the peace and beauty of a feather, with lines so complete, yet uncomplete. I see the emotion in a rain drop longing to let go, the comfort in the grass, heavy with seed. I want to share it. I want to scream it. It's a pull I've felt for a long time. And it's one I've given into on occasion.. I had at one point tried an "Etsy" shop. I tried to show the world and well... I got my hopes too high I guess, or my "I Suck" filter was stuck on open. Or maybe people just aren't ready to see the way I see? I don't really know. But I know I feel the pull again.. So strongly. I opened up another account... And it's waiting for me.. I just don't know if I have the courage? I'm scared I'm setting myself up for failure again. I'm scared that nothing will happen and those familiar feelings of doubt and hate will start to cloud in. *sigh*

Do I or don't I? Think? Or just do?

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Missed it by *that* much....

Ok, sorry, I love that line :)

So yeah.. totally messed up again on the finances, but not a huge catastrophe. And I'm very proud of myself, because I didn't panic. I took control of what I could and breathed through the rest. We listed a bunch more on craigslist. I'm about to list my artwork and photograph there too.. Never had much luck on Etsy, but maybe there's someone out there local looking to "spruce" their place up? One can hope...

Anyways.. I'm sipping on some delish home made mead that my FIL made, I added 2 frozen strawberries to it and MAN oh man, yummo! It's very nice :) Gotta a good strength to it too.. *wink* Got a (hopefully) awesome salmon in the oven, almost ready.. and then kids are hitting the beds and I'm going to settle down w/ Richard and FIL to watch Get Smart.. (I love that movie...) :)

Saturday, March 6, 2010

I'm sorry, my responses are limited...

So.. I think I asked the right question.. and gained not only an answer.. but a new friend as well.. Things may not stay great... but for now, I am smiling. And that my friends, is a good start.

Friday, March 5, 2010

food for thought.. sort of

I'm pulling off my masks
and turning to my tasks
as questions pelt my face
I'm clinging to my place.

I've led myself astray
down paths were others lay
stepping over, under, through
chasing after you.

Tearing thought from thought
at troubles I have wrought
searching through the past
to find my truth at last.

As a crystal's many sides
there's much of me that hides
with wings both bound and worn
I reach to be reborn.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Fuck.

I screwed up... bad. We're hurting for money, worse than ever and it's MY FUCKING FAULT... Shit, I don't know what to do, we're already selling everything I can think of, and it's not enough..

Is this shit ever going to get better or is my life going to always end up in a fucking hole?

Running...

Still here.. haven't run away yet.. The steroids are doing a good bit of help on the rash, it's faded quite a bit, still a touch itchy but.. I can't expect miracles considering how bad it was.. The ER doc actually checked my throat to make sure it wasn't swollen and kept asking me if I could breathe ok.. So apparently it was worse than I thought it was.. The steroids are doing a number on my emotions right now. Even more so than just going without the mood meds. I'm trying to keep it together by keeping myself busy in obsessing over things. I know, it's not healthy to obsess... I know.. but if it keeps me from screaming at the kids 24/7 I'll take it. I've gotten a good bit done. We are selling a shit load of stuff on Craigslist and I've been seriously decluttering. Not much going out in public right now, I'm really puffy and doing a lot of binge eating.. Going to be fun to decarb myself after this is over.. We have been needing it anyways. We were eating HORRIBLY while we had our friend living here.. lots of potatoes and breads and sweets... Doesn't help me to feel better when I am on a sugar binge and needing to detox. So.. yeah.. sorry, my mind is going around in circles... I have been either so completely nutzoid that I can't even finish a word let alone a sentence (hence the "running") or completely wiped out with keeping my emotions somewhat in check. We gave the puppy away too.. which honestly is helping already. If I were in a better place mentally, and not playing the name the drug of the day game, I would LOVE to have a puppy, or dog.. but I can barely keep up with life in general and even though the excitement of a new thing in my life gives me that high I crave, I just know I can't have it. I don't feel guilty about it this time, like I did when we took Roxy back to the shelter. I felt like I had failed Roxy... but I know Rascal didn't need to grow up in a home where "mommy" screamed at him every time he did something I didn't want him to do. That is just creating more issues for everyone all around.. Ok, I'm obviously rambling here.. And I gotta eat breakfast before the meds eat my stomach up, so I'm going to go carb on some honeycomb (for the last time) and have my morning coffee..

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Nothingness?

I read something a bit ago.. and.. I just don't know what I should feel about it...

God comes to our lonely, anxious hearts and whispers our name. God says "I see both the fear you have of closeness and the deep longing you have to belong. I have come to comfort you and to respond to your need. I have been seeking a relationship with you. You belong. You belong to me. You are my child."

I've been listening hard... well, as hard as I know how. I never hear it. It's well known I think, among my friends, that I'm not a Christian... that is, I don't believe that Jesus was the "son of God who died for my sins". And I'm not really sure, see, what I feel about God in general. Some would say I'm searching. But I honestly don't know what I'm searching for. I know what I'm not searching for, but that's another post for a time when my thoughts are more coherent. I know that bit of text up there, it's supposed to bring hope to the hopeless, comfort to the lonely.. It doesn't do that for me. It simply makes me feel more troubled... more distraught. God seems to be this caring, loving creator that molds us into his image... But I feel no touch from him, no warmth. I want something real, tangible, comforting and warm. I want to be able to reach out and cry, and have a hand wipe away my tears, and simply say, "I know. I am here." God doesn't do that. And it doesn't matter "who's" God it is. God is GOD. He/she has many faces, many facets... but I have yet to touch the one I need. No.. there is no comfort. And maybe it leaves me angry. Angry that God could choose to create someone like me... but not be there to show me the way, not be there to pick me up when I fall. He should. But he's not.. and it doesn't matter what name he has, what face, what religion... He isn't there for me. It's just me. Just me, and those like me, who are left to reach out, and hope that we can in time, lead each other out of the maze.

so...

The new meds were helping. Not as well as the Lamictal did.. but they were doing some good.. And then, the rash started again.. Seems I'm not going to be able to do any of the mood stabilizers.. I am sooooo frustrated... Everytime I start to feel better, SOMETHING goes wrong. I'm on high dose steroids for the reaction, which is even further messing up my sanity..

In other news.. Finally getting the budget done so I can squeeze in therapy sessions. We had to get caught up on some things, couldn't afford it earlier, no matter how much I have needed it.. no one gives a service for free... I got a recommendation from someone, a friend, who I'm really pleased to say, I've gotten to know a bit better in the process.. Makes me happy :) So thanks, "39" ;) I'm waiting on a call back from the doc to get the therapy started, and I unfortunately won't be able to take any mood meds until the rash completely heals, so I'm "on my own" w/ the swings.. Here's hoping I can keep sane...