Friday, February 5, 2010

searching for 42...

I know it's "normal" to search.. We search for cures. We search for faith. We search for perfection.

I search for answers. I can't seem to stop. I can't avoid the search, try as I might. It's feels like an incurable disease to me. I am constantly questioning myself.. hell, I am constantly questioning everything. I don't know what's right, what's wrong. I search for everything. Nothing ever fits.

Faith? I have no faith. I'm sure there's something out there... there must be, it can't all be empty and random. There MUST be a structure, a plan, grand or not, I don't care, but there has to be something. Some higher being that brought us into existence and sat back to watch events unfold as they lay. Do we have fate? Do we have mystical powers that can alter the wheel of time and thread of life itself? Or is there some phenomenal being out there that grants our prayers if we're good little boys and girls.. Or is this being bipolar, toying with us, getting our hopes up with the tiniest glimmer of rewarding our "faith" and then laughing as our dreams come tumbling down around us, challenging and testing us relentlessly?

Parenting? I'm no parent. Parents are loving, kind, nurturing... I know I'm getting this one wrong.. well.. I feel like I am. and even if I'm somewhat getting it right.. it's all chance.. how am I supposed to be with my children? I can't relate to them.. Real mothers spend time with their kids, read books, go to parks, teach them songs, do crafty things at fun playdates... Then tere's the question of what style of parenting is right... Attached? Ferber? Gentle? Spanking? They all supposedly produce wonderful children who listen and are "perfect" and smart. But how am I supposed to know what really works? How do I learn to be a parent, a real parent?

My "purpose" in life? Seriously, I'm not even sure I'm going to go there.. I mean really.. I must have a purpose right? I can't possibly be meant to just be a lazy, slobby "parent" with no direction and no "future".. can I? But what if there really isn't some grand purpose for me? What if I'm meant to be a nobody forever? What if these yearnings I have are as pointless as plucking the gray hairs from my head? Will my life continue to pass by at a speed so dizzying that I'm just left face first in the dirt, forgotten? This need I have to help people must mean something right? It's a constant urge to comfort those like me, to let people know that they aren't alone... but then.. what if I'm alone? Not in the "no one around" sort of alone meaning.. but in the "dear god you are one really messed up chick" alone.

Change? Just show me how.. no, don't TELL me how.. SHOW ME DAMNIT! I can't fathom HOW to change... I want to change.. I really do hate myself the way I am, almost loathe. But HOW do I change? I just can't wrap my mind around it. How? How? How? Don't just tell me that if I want to change, just do it.. I can't simply "do it". I've been searching for the "how" for sometime.. it eludes me, like a smell that I cannot place.

All the searching becomes a blur these days.. so much so that I'm starting to lose sight of the questions... or the reason for the search... I feel like I"m losing myself in meaningless information. It used to have a meaning... Now.. it's just one more search...

2 comments:

Tony Anders said...

Funny how alot of my recent posts have reflected this type of personal monologue. I always found the "how's" were revealed when my "why's" became clear enough. I look forward to sharing some writing...

Just Me said...

Thanks for commenting. I stumbled across your blog via facebook and have really enjoyed reading :) A very interesting finding, though I must be honest, kinda confuses me even more.. But I'm working on things like that..