Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Mamma said there'd be days like this..

Well, no actually she didn't..

I've been having a hard time lately with one thing in particular. When we started this journey called Autism, Richard and I dove in, we wanted to take this "beast" head on. We soon realized it was a bigger beast than we expected, and that it was my beast as well as the boys'. We reviewed EVERYTHING. It became my obsession. How were we going to best the beast? Could we? We looked at it from every angle. We chose to do biomed for our family. The facts made sense. There was an ever growing interest in it, and we saw first hand how the diet helped. It was almost immediate for us. It was the "Hey, we've got something here! We're doing it!" feeling that kept us going. Well.. for a while. Then surely, one by one, our attempts began to fail. First one supplement, then another. Now we've gotten to the point where we have no idea what's helping, if anything is... The only thing we're sure on, is diet.. and I HATE that. I HATE this diet. I HATE it. I want to be able to eat what I want, when I want.. And I'm only dairy free! I'm not even gluten/corn free like I should be... I KNOW it works for the boys, and I KNOW that dairy is what turns me into "satanmommy" most days, and worsens my migraines. It's the one thing we won't go off of.. I see when the kids get gluten... But... There are all these questions... and new sensitivities.. and testing? Hah! I can't afford to test for new food issues every time I see a rash. The guessing game is KILLING me. I can't handle it... is it the egg? is it potatoes? Yeast? Oh don't get me STARTED on yeast... we can't get rid of it.. 3 months of SCD didn't BUDGE it... All it did was make us hungry, miserable, and even more broke than we were to begin with! Seriously.. when do you draw the line? $2500 a MONTH in food alone is a bit much... Problem is, even just being GFCF we spend OVER $1000 a month... and we STILL run out of food. That doesn't even count in supplements. We gave up on those.. Only thing we are giving the kids are a multi and some extra C... I just don't know what's working, and we simply can't afford it any more. Behaviors have been as bad as ever, Connor's anxiety is through the roof and Brae is bouncing off the walls, Morri is superglue and emotional 24/7. I'm tired of eating the same things every week, over and over and over. And what's more, I have doctors blaming me for the boys' behavior. And I believe them. I fully understand that my constant mood swings, melt downs, and anxiety attacks have caused all of their issues, the pant soiling, the ignoring commands, the hitting, whining, constant complaining... and what my own behavior hasn't caused, my genetics have. What's worse, is I can't seem to fix it. Everyone has a different answer for me, no one can tell me what I should do... I just need one more thing to push and this whole existence could come crumbling down around me. Days like today I really truely wish I could go back to ignorance, the days before knowing all about diet, and biomed, and being buried inbetween the arguement of which way is right and which way is wrong... But I can't.. and I'm stuck in quicksand.. how long before I drown?

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