Tuesday, February 23, 2010

It's the Cliffs of Insanity...

There are days, like today and yesterday, where I feel as though I am clinging desperately to the edge of a cliff. Below me, waves thrash against jagged outcroppings of rocks that dot at the the base of the cliffs in random chaotic fashion. The waves have no rhythm as they move in and out. Above me, standing at the edge of the cliff I see faces. Faces with eyes that stare, wide eyed at me. Some are judging, some are compassionate, some show pity. A few show love, and those faces have arms outstretched to me. Those arms, strong, open handed, seem to say "Climb up, we'll catch you when you fall." But every time I let go of the rock to reach out, I slip a little bit. The cuts and bruises dig a little deeper into my soul as the faces simply stare on. The only thing I can control is my own grip on the cliff. If I let go, I could fall into the chaos of the waves, sacrificing my sanity to the jagged edges of rock and water. There's a chance though, that those few outstretched hands, that strength could catch me.When do I make the choice? Either way I lose control, control of the outcome, control of others' actions, control over my emotion. If I fall, the rages and despair will certainly take over, destroying what little of me is left. And if I'm saved? I surely don't deserve it, and the guilt of what I put those few faces and arms through, the bruising and cuts and scrapes that those arms must endure to drag me up over the cliff, I would have caused that. Caused hurt, and pain, and worry... If I just simply hold on, with out reaching up, or letting go, I may have a chance of maintaining what little control is left. But for how long?

2 comments:

39andholding said...

::hugs::

Dean Corso said...

I have deleted what I wrote and still am not sure how to say what I want to. So I'll just say this: If a face wants to care, please let him/her do. Powerful description of your feelings...and I'll leave the rest of my words to be, hidden among these dots...
Thanks for sharing.