Tuesday, February 23, 2010

hate is a strong word

and yet.. I don't know.. I'm confused... I find myself screaming that word, over and over again. And it's directed at me. I know I'm a good person, and I know that my family loves me, that there are a lot of blessing in my life. But yet, I can honestly say I hate myself. I do. A sheer loathing of who I am, of what I am. I hate Aspergers. I hate bipolar. I hate the fact that I constantly question everything, everyone. I hate that I seem to be nothing but a giant jumbled up ball of emotional crack. I hate that I can't see what other people see when they look at me. I hate that I constantly seem to be making the wrong decision, that I am almost always wrong. I hate that I can burst into tears when ever someone tells me they like me, or gives me a compliment. I hate that I am terrified that no one likes me. I hate my temper, I hate my rages, my moods. I hate me. I hate that I cannot fathom how to change me. Most of all, I hate that even if I could find out how, that I might not have the strength deep down to change. It leaves me raw, emotionally.. and I just don't know how to stop it...

6 comments:

Dean Corso said...

I question people, lots of things and above all myself.
You're a mother and a writer, how you cannot be seen but a giant thingy you mentioned? I don't know you, but I know this...you matter.
I'm not writing these words to make you feel better JUST ME. I even didn't know you were following my writings. No one could tell me who I am or what I'd better to do...to be normal, and no one can tell you that but they'll give clues. Clues to walk your path even on the edge of insanity.
Hope I haven't crossed the line and said anything to upset you.

MyOwnLilBallTeam said...

Here is what I see when I look at you.. .in it's rawest form. I see someone who is very self-conscious. I see someone who is a lot of pain and confusion. Do you know what else I see, though? Sometimes, I see me... take that for what is is worth ;) Mostly, I see a beautiful face with three of the most gorgeous NORMAL children ever. I see a friendly face that talked to me years ago when I was afraid to talk to anyone. I see someone far more comfortable speaking openly about their inner self than I could ever hope to be. I see someone who hopefully one day can realize that I am not the only one who sees such wonderful things in you.

I am not always around and can never promise to be. Money and time are a friendship killer for me every time. I miss you and would love to see the kids. Try not to be afraid to put yourself out there... not everyone will be as judgmental as you think. Some will be worse, but then there are those that are worth digging through the depths for. Don't ever settle for less than what you deserve, but you have to give others a chance. I am pretty good at shutting myself away as well, but it definitely is NOT the way to go. Will I do it again? Probably ;)

Anyway, all this to say, HATE is a strong word. Don't hate yourself because you are an awesome chica ;) Smile, kiss the babies for me, take a break, and try again..............

Just Me said...

Dean, your comments mean a lot, and I appreciate that you have taken to reading my blog.

Niks - we need to get together.. soon. when time, money and kiddos allow.. I haven't seen your newest except at a glance the last GUMC I went to (during the newborn days). you and I do have a lot in common.. maybe we can help each other?

MyOwnLilBallTeam said...

I would love to try ;) We do need to get together... I haven't been around M much at all! Gavin would love to play with the boys again too. B (my B) is 13 months old now so we DEFINITELY need to get together ;) Since they closed GUMC, I don't see anyone anymore lol. We need another enclosed area to let these babies loose in! ;)

Dean Corso said...

It's my pleasure, and thank you for sharing your emotions and thoughts. Your feelings, are kind of familiar for me, donno how or why.
Thanks

Kelly said...

I know I sound like a broken record but therapy more than medication helped me with these type of feelings. I need both and the medication didn't magically make these thoughts go away it just gave me the ability to use the tools I learned in therapy to work through them.