Monday, February 22, 2010

friendship...?

I took a really long break from a group of friends... I had some issues.. (well... have) and I wasn't able to keep up with playdates and moms night outs... my anxiety got the best of me... My mood swings took control, my kids stood out too much.. I deleted my account. When I came back, a lot of people were glad, said they were happy to see me back.. I tried the playdate scene again... tried to fit in. And the anxiety and moods got the best of me again. No one would consider making a 30 min drive to see a "friend" for a playdate or moms night out. Apparently my little corner of the world is in the middle of a barren snowy wasteland. I left the group, again.. because no one viewed me "worth" a 30 min drive to hang out, despite my several attempts to make the 30-45 min drives to go to their playdates and sit.. and stick out like a sore thumb while they all talked around me. My "I suck" filter got the best of me for quite some time.. well... I did give it one more try. I rejoined, again. I posted a message that I was back and that I missed seeing everyone and that once my meds really got to working well, that I would start trying to get out for playdates.. Out of an entire board full of people, these "friends" of mine, only one person took the time to say "I'm glad your back". There were no "hi how are you"s, no "welcome back"s... apparently, I'm shit on a cracker.

I must be old fashioned. I thought friendship, like any other relationship, required a bit of work from both parties.. A little caring from both parties.. a little acknowledgment that says "hey I like you, I think you're worth it." I guess I'm wrong... and you know what... I don't want friends who don't feel the same way... Because even when I hate myself, I still know that I'm worth it.

10 comments:

Kathleen said...

*sigh* that's rough =( Hope you find some good friends that will be with you in the ups and downs!

pudgybudgie said...

To be fair, you posted that message at about 11 pm. Then you deleted less than 12 hours later. There are a lot of people that don't check the board daily, or only check it once a day. There is also a great deal of turn over on the board--I would wager that most of the 'newer' people haven't ever met you.

Just Me said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Just Me said...

It goes on beyond that, that post was purely the starting point. One of the main reasons I left the 2nd time around was because no one felt I was worth a freaking 30 min drive into Southaven. I am sorry but in my world, friendship shouldn't be defined in part by how far you're willing to drive. But like I said, I may just be old fashioned..

Angela said...

That one friend sounds like one that's maybe worth salvaging. Would that friend drive out to see you? If so, let that be that. ;~) Most people are just fluff anyway. The ones that stick - the sticky fluff - they're the ones worth keeping. And you're right. You're worth it, too.

Kelly said...

The problem with having a narrow definition of friends is it narrows down the pool.

Also, I am not and have never been a member of that board so I will assume that defriending me was purely personal and operate under that idea.

Just Me said...

Kelly - I honestly deleted way more than just people from that one board, mainly (I am embarrassed to admit) in an attempt to see who cared and who noticed that I wasn't there.. childish, yeah probably. I would gladly add you back if you want to be my friend..

As to a narrow definition of friends.. Yeah, I understand that point of view.. how ever, I have always wanted friends so badly that I pursue them and change my personality to match them, just so I'm accepted. That's not healthy, it doesn't work, and I constantly wonder if I'm merely being tolerated, especially when those friends don't return any "effort" at being friends with me... I feel that true friends will be there for you, will want to see you, and show it in some form. I have been hurt many times by people that were "friends" and then suddenly dropped me as an "inconvenience" or because they changed and I didn't change with them (which happens, but to just decide I'm not even worth a "hey we've been close friends but now we've drifted"?) What's worse? A narrow selection of what I feel are true good friends or to sit and obsess and wonder all day everyday if my friends are really friends?

Kelly said...

Mel, That is fair. We all do it sometimes. I noticed because I went to tag a pic of you and suddenly you weren't there.

Personally I only have a small group of friend-friends. But I also didn't get them by defining things. They happened organically and our relationships have ebbed and flowed. I understand wanting friends desperately. I really do...I just worry that you are sort of having a self fulfilling prophesy.

Just Me said...

I have a habit of creating my own problems on a lot of things... I know I do, it's something I have tried several times to stop.. I guess I need more work at that..

Kelly said...

We all do. But my outsiders view of the situation as I read it here and as Elsie told me was people didn't act quick enough for you and there are lots of new members. I realize that was the starting point and not the be all and end all.

First, therapy. Also, have you read the book the Anxiety and Phobia workbook? It is in fact cheesy, but if you can put that thought aside I found it remarkably helpful in stopping the negative self talk and the internal dialogue that sets the script for others to react.

For me it begins this way: I want to predict the outcome of situation X because I don't deal well with unpredictability. I write an internal script. I suffer from my normal social and general anxieties. Other people being humans who were not 1. delivered the script or 2. have actual feelings and thoughts I can't script react differently that i scripted. Que meltdown.

I worry that is some of what you are experiencing and seems so inescapable...