Thursday, February 25, 2010

What brings you joy?

A friend asked me that. What brings you joy.. joy.. It feels a bit like a foreign word to me... Joy... What is it? well.. Mr. Webster would say that joy is the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires. Well, I don't know if I really buy that definition... but Mr. Webster seems to be the expert on definitions.. If I go by the above, having control of my emotions, control of my surroundings, having nothing go wrong, things going as planned.. That would bring me "joy". Retail therapy would bring me "joy" (until I realize I couldn't afford what I bought). But I don't think my friend meant joy to be defined the way good ol' Mr. Webster would intend. The type of joy I think she meant is the kind you experience when you can let go, relax, breathe, and just be.

So what brings me joy? well.. I'm not really sure.. But.. I think I'd like to find out. It may take some time... Most things that are worth while do.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

hate is a strong word

and yet.. I don't know.. I'm confused... I find myself screaming that word, over and over again. And it's directed at me. I know I'm a good person, and I know that my family loves me, that there are a lot of blessing in my life. But yet, I can honestly say I hate myself. I do. A sheer loathing of who I am, of what I am. I hate Aspergers. I hate bipolar. I hate the fact that I constantly question everything, everyone. I hate that I seem to be nothing but a giant jumbled up ball of emotional crack. I hate that I can't see what other people see when they look at me. I hate that I constantly seem to be making the wrong decision, that I am almost always wrong. I hate that I can burst into tears when ever someone tells me they like me, or gives me a compliment. I hate that I am terrified that no one likes me. I hate my temper, I hate my rages, my moods. I hate me. I hate that I cannot fathom how to change me. Most of all, I hate that even if I could find out how, that I might not have the strength deep down to change. It leaves me raw, emotionally.. and I just don't know how to stop it...

It's the Cliffs of Insanity...

There are days, like today and yesterday, where I feel as though I am clinging desperately to the edge of a cliff. Below me, waves thrash against jagged outcroppings of rocks that dot at the the base of the cliffs in random chaotic fashion. The waves have no rhythm as they move in and out. Above me, standing at the edge of the cliff I see faces. Faces with eyes that stare, wide eyed at me. Some are judging, some are compassionate, some show pity. A few show love, and those faces have arms outstretched to me. Those arms, strong, open handed, seem to say "Climb up, we'll catch you when you fall." But every time I let go of the rock to reach out, I slip a little bit. The cuts and bruises dig a little deeper into my soul as the faces simply stare on. The only thing I can control is my own grip on the cliff. If I let go, I could fall into the chaos of the waves, sacrificing my sanity to the jagged edges of rock and water. There's a chance though, that those few outstretched hands, that strength could catch me.When do I make the choice? Either way I lose control, control of the outcome, control of others' actions, control over my emotion. If I fall, the rages and despair will certainly take over, destroying what little of me is left. And if I'm saved? I surely don't deserve it, and the guilt of what I put those few faces and arms through, the bruising and cuts and scrapes that those arms must endure to drag me up over the cliff, I would have caused that. Caused hurt, and pain, and worry... If I just simply hold on, with out reaching up, or letting go, I may have a chance of maintaining what little control is left. But for how long?

Monday, February 22, 2010

friendship...?

I took a really long break from a group of friends... I had some issues.. (well... have) and I wasn't able to keep up with playdates and moms night outs... my anxiety got the best of me... My mood swings took control, my kids stood out too much.. I deleted my account. When I came back, a lot of people were glad, said they were happy to see me back.. I tried the playdate scene again... tried to fit in. And the anxiety and moods got the best of me again. No one would consider making a 30 min drive to see a "friend" for a playdate or moms night out. Apparently my little corner of the world is in the middle of a barren snowy wasteland. I left the group, again.. because no one viewed me "worth" a 30 min drive to hang out, despite my several attempts to make the 30-45 min drives to go to their playdates and sit.. and stick out like a sore thumb while they all talked around me. My "I suck" filter got the best of me for quite some time.. well... I did give it one more try. I rejoined, again. I posted a message that I was back and that I missed seeing everyone and that once my meds really got to working well, that I would start trying to get out for playdates.. Out of an entire board full of people, these "friends" of mine, only one person took the time to say "I'm glad your back". There were no "hi how are you"s, no "welcome back"s... apparently, I'm shit on a cracker.

I must be old fashioned. I thought friendship, like any other relationship, required a bit of work from both parties.. A little caring from both parties.. a little acknowledgment that says "hey I like you, I think you're worth it." I guess I'm wrong... and you know what... I don't want friends who don't feel the same way... Because even when I hate myself, I still know that I'm worth it.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Medicate me!

Waiting somewhat patiently to head out to the dr. for my latest appointment to talk about the Cymbalta not working. 120mg killed me.. I was soooo sick... and talk about a personality change. So.. now we continue the Russian roulette with my meds.
Please please please please let me find the key to this! I need something that works! (but that doesn't kill me at the same time!)

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Impending Doom...

yes.. it's melodramatic. No, I can't say it any other way.. That's just what it is.. Impending doom... it's knowing the spiral down is coming, it's being out of control, it's everything in your life suddenly going wrong, and not being able to do ANYTHING about it.. It's knowing that any second.. hell, every second, SOMETHING will go wrong. This is what starts it all.. The impending doom snowballs it all, the rages, the screaming, the negativity, the impulsiveness... The implusiveness I feel must be a way to try and grasp that high I had, claw at it in a unsuccessful way to not loose control, to not hit bottom. Once the rages and screaming and satanic mothering come to an end, the depression hits and I no longer care.. I become a slug...

I've been on a high lately and I know it's ending. Everything is going wrong now. I can't keep the puppy area clean. I can't keep Roxy from messing in the house. I can't keep the migraines away, or the tummy issues, or the sickies. I can't keep the hubby pleased, the roommate happy... It's all piling down now, a thousand tons... tens of thousands... I can't stop it.. even if I knew how, I doubt I could...

Thursday, February 11, 2010

I get high with a little help...

From shopping ;) Sad huh, that I get a high from retail therapy? It's the only way I can think to explain it.. There's something just unexplainable about the release from scoring a great deal... I went to Goodwill (yes, I shop there...) and I spent $87 on a HUGE amount of stuff... 3 pairs of jeans and 1 jean skirt for me, 4 shirts for me, 1 sweater for me, 5 shirts for Richard, a kids chair, bag of dolls for Morri, a Diego toy, a pair of awesome boots and 4 records (2 are for my gramma).... Where else can you get all that stuff?? It's amazing what people don't want! Simply amazing!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Listing

Dishes - Check!
Vacuum Kitchen - Check!
Pick up Living Room - Check!
Vacuum Living Room - Check!
Scrub puppy den - Check!
Scrub puppies - Check x 9!
Scream at kids - Check!
Issue death threats - Check!
Collapse into exhausted heap - to do

Monday, February 8, 2010

Some times only a song will do...

Somebody come and play
Somebody come and play today
Somebody come and smile the smiles
And sing the songs
It won't take long
Somebody come and play today

Somebody come and play
Somebody come and play my way
Somebody come and rhyme the rhymes
And laugh the laughs
It won't take time
Somebody come and play today

Somebody come with me and see the pleasure in the wind
Somebody see the time is getting late to begin

Somebody come and play
Somebody come and play today
Somebody come and be my friend
And watch the sun 'till it rains again
Somebody come and play todays

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Help?

When do you decide that enough is enough? When do you decide that the thoughts inside your head are so troubling that you need outside intervention? When do you start worrying over whether or not you could actually act on those thoughts? And how do you stop them from coming? The cymbalta isn't working, and right now I'm seeking shelter inside a bottle of wine. I am a VERY addictive person. Is there such a thing as a function addict? How do I know if I'm addicted? Do I need help? For everything? When is it time?

Friday, February 5, 2010

Dear God....

I'm not laughing.

searching for 42...

I know it's "normal" to search.. We search for cures. We search for faith. We search for perfection.

I search for answers. I can't seem to stop. I can't avoid the search, try as I might. It's feels like an incurable disease to me. I am constantly questioning myself.. hell, I am constantly questioning everything. I don't know what's right, what's wrong. I search for everything. Nothing ever fits.

Faith? I have no faith. I'm sure there's something out there... there must be, it can't all be empty and random. There MUST be a structure, a plan, grand or not, I don't care, but there has to be something. Some higher being that brought us into existence and sat back to watch events unfold as they lay. Do we have fate? Do we have mystical powers that can alter the wheel of time and thread of life itself? Or is there some phenomenal being out there that grants our prayers if we're good little boys and girls.. Or is this being bipolar, toying with us, getting our hopes up with the tiniest glimmer of rewarding our "faith" and then laughing as our dreams come tumbling down around us, challenging and testing us relentlessly?

Parenting? I'm no parent. Parents are loving, kind, nurturing... I know I'm getting this one wrong.. well.. I feel like I am. and even if I'm somewhat getting it right.. it's all chance.. how am I supposed to be with my children? I can't relate to them.. Real mothers spend time with their kids, read books, go to parks, teach them songs, do crafty things at fun playdates... Then tere's the question of what style of parenting is right... Attached? Ferber? Gentle? Spanking? They all supposedly produce wonderful children who listen and are "perfect" and smart. But how am I supposed to know what really works? How do I learn to be a parent, a real parent?

My "purpose" in life? Seriously, I'm not even sure I'm going to go there.. I mean really.. I must have a purpose right? I can't possibly be meant to just be a lazy, slobby "parent" with no direction and no "future".. can I? But what if there really isn't some grand purpose for me? What if I'm meant to be a nobody forever? What if these yearnings I have are as pointless as plucking the gray hairs from my head? Will my life continue to pass by at a speed so dizzying that I'm just left face first in the dirt, forgotten? This need I have to help people must mean something right? It's a constant urge to comfort those like me, to let people know that they aren't alone... but then.. what if I'm alone? Not in the "no one around" sort of alone meaning.. but in the "dear god you are one really messed up chick" alone.

Change? Just show me how.. no, don't TELL me how.. SHOW ME DAMNIT! I can't fathom HOW to change... I want to change.. I really do hate myself the way I am, almost loathe. But HOW do I change? I just can't wrap my mind around it. How? How? How? Don't just tell me that if I want to change, just do it.. I can't simply "do it". I've been searching for the "how" for sometime.. it eludes me, like a smell that I cannot place.

All the searching becomes a blur these days.. so much so that I'm starting to lose sight of the questions... or the reason for the search... I feel like I"m losing myself in meaningless information. It used to have a meaning... Now.. it's just one more search...

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Mamma said there'd be days like this..

Well, no actually she didn't..

I've been having a hard time lately with one thing in particular. When we started this journey called Autism, Richard and I dove in, we wanted to take this "beast" head on. We soon realized it was a bigger beast than we expected, and that it was my beast as well as the boys'. We reviewed EVERYTHING. It became my obsession. How were we going to best the beast? Could we? We looked at it from every angle. We chose to do biomed for our family. The facts made sense. There was an ever growing interest in it, and we saw first hand how the diet helped. It was almost immediate for us. It was the "Hey, we've got something here! We're doing it!" feeling that kept us going. Well.. for a while. Then surely, one by one, our attempts began to fail. First one supplement, then another. Now we've gotten to the point where we have no idea what's helping, if anything is... The only thing we're sure on, is diet.. and I HATE that. I HATE this diet. I HATE it. I want to be able to eat what I want, when I want.. And I'm only dairy free! I'm not even gluten/corn free like I should be... I KNOW it works for the boys, and I KNOW that dairy is what turns me into "satanmommy" most days, and worsens my migraines. It's the one thing we won't go off of.. I see when the kids get gluten... But... There are all these questions... and new sensitivities.. and testing? Hah! I can't afford to test for new food issues every time I see a rash. The guessing game is KILLING me. I can't handle it... is it the egg? is it potatoes? Yeast? Oh don't get me STARTED on yeast... we can't get rid of it.. 3 months of SCD didn't BUDGE it... All it did was make us hungry, miserable, and even more broke than we were to begin with! Seriously.. when do you draw the line? $2500 a MONTH in food alone is a bit much... Problem is, even just being GFCF we spend OVER $1000 a month... and we STILL run out of food. That doesn't even count in supplements. We gave up on those.. Only thing we are giving the kids are a multi and some extra C... I just don't know what's working, and we simply can't afford it any more. Behaviors have been as bad as ever, Connor's anxiety is through the roof and Brae is bouncing off the walls, Morri is superglue and emotional 24/7. I'm tired of eating the same things every week, over and over and over. And what's more, I have doctors blaming me for the boys' behavior. And I believe them. I fully understand that my constant mood swings, melt downs, and anxiety attacks have caused all of their issues, the pant soiling, the ignoring commands, the hitting, whining, constant complaining... and what my own behavior hasn't caused, my genetics have. What's worse, is I can't seem to fix it. Everyone has a different answer for me, no one can tell me what I should do... I just need one more thing to push and this whole existence could come crumbling down around me. Days like today I really truely wish I could go back to ignorance, the days before knowing all about diet, and biomed, and being buried inbetween the arguement of which way is right and which way is wrong... But I can't.. and I'm stuck in quicksand.. how long before I drown?