Saturday, December 18, 2010

Waiting for the Light

Yule. It's a time of for celebration. It's a time for family, a time for love. The winter solstice is the longest night of the year. It's a time when the earth is plunged into darkness. It's a time to reflect on all that the night holds, all that the darkness represents. It's a time to learn and a time to reflect. As a pagan, I believe that winter is a time when Goddess rests, she is tired of her hard work, it's a time when mother earth rests, weary from providing for her children. I believe that Yule, the longest night of the year, provides a turning point, a welcoming of the God, the light, the sun, back to the earth. It's a time to give up to the dark all the things that need to change.. It's a time to ask for help to accept the changes that come with the turning of the night to day, of the dark to light, of the bad to good. I have had a difficult year this year. I've made a lot of choices, thought a lot of things. It has been a very trying year for my family. I haven't been very willing to accept what needed to be changed, having been very open to the guidance that Goddess has provided me. Now, as I sit and contemplate the year I've had, I understand things in a way I didn't a short while before. I've come to discover that there are some choices, some sacrifices that I must make, some things that are simply worth the choice. This year, on the darkest night of the year, while I wait with my fellow pagans, waiting for the light to come, I will give to the dark what needs to be given. I will give up my anger to the dark, my fear, my control, my self-doubt. I am willing and accepting, I am open. I am ready for the light of a new day and a new year.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Speaks to my core...

I found this on my PaganTeam webpage.. It speaks to me, on so many levels, it touches me to my core.. There are so many things for me to work on... and so much I have yet to grasp, yet with this, daily reading it, daily praying it, daily LIVING it.. I know I can succeed.. I must...

I ASKED~


I asked The Goddess to take away my pain.


The Goddess said, No. It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.


I asked The Goddess to make my handicapped child whole.


The Goddess said, No. Her spirit is whole, her body was only temporary.


I asked The Goddess to to grant me patience.


The Goddess said, No. patience is a byproduct of tribulations; it isn't granted,

it is earned.


I asked The Goddess to give me happiness.


The Goddess said, No. I give you blessings. Happiness is up to you.


I asked The Goddess to spare me pain.


The Goddess said, No. Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and

brings you closer to me.


I asked The Goddess to make my spirit grow.


The Goddess said, No. You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to

make you fruitful.


I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.


The Goddess said, No. I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things.


I asked The Goddess to help me love others, as much as she loves me.


The Goddess said, Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.


Author Unknown

Monday, November 29, 2010

We Are Here...

So, I promised a jewelry post.. And this is.. for the most part. :) I am part of an awesome team on Etsy called Pagan Team and they have posted a challenge. It's called "We Are Here" and asks the question "What will let the world see who we/you are in relation to our/your chosen path and craft/art?" It got me to thinking. What am I hoping to show in this piece? Well... I am me. I am a mom, I am a daughter, and a sister, and a friend, and a wife... But I'm also a Pagan, a witch, an earth dweller. So what do I want to say? My religious choices are a large part of my life, they define many of my masks, they impact a great deal of my life. When I think of who I am, I think of that before all others. I think of my pagan beliefs, I think of my family next, I think of my ties to the earth, and my love for those things. These things are the inspiration for this entry into the challenge for "We Are Here". I wanted to be able to proudly shout out my pagan beliefs, to show not only my own spiritual side, but to also encourage others to do the same.


It saddens me to see that so many pagans feel afraid to openly show their chosen faith. They are afraid of judgment, of ridicule, of loosing friends, family, of openly being chastised for their beliefs. It's fear that causes these reactions to begin with, I feel. Fear of what the symbol and the pagan way stands for. The pentacle (or pentagram as many call it) is a 5 point star, 5 points for the elements earth, air, water, and fire, and a fifth, spirit, all connected by a circle, symbolizing unity, wholeness. There is no right side up, or upside down meaning for a pentacle. There is no good vs. evil. It is simply a symbol of the pagan faith.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

TIme passing...

Thanksgiving has come and gone.. I'm sucking at this posting business lately. It seems time just isn't on my side. :P Solstice is coming up fast and I seem to be very much in a festive mood of late. I've been very excited this year. I think in part the kids are old enough that this year has become "fun" and exciting. I also think that I am very much enjoying the fact that the kids are old enough now to understand the meanings behind our holidays. My middle one especially, he has just blown me away with his understanding of Goddess and all things mystical. Seriously, he is one very old soul... This boy never takes anything seriously and he can sit with me for an hour and just talk about how he sees Goddess or what he knows about creation. It's truly wonderful. My oldest is still a bit in his own world, but that's ok, he's a new soul, like his mommy. :) Everything is still happening "to" him, not "around" him. So it may take him awhile. My youngest, well, we talk about it around her, but I don't expect her to pick up on it yet. She's only 3 after all. ;) So anyways, Solstice is just around the corner, and then we will "celebrate" Christmas with the grandparents and Santa will come on Christmas as well. So really, my kiddos are going to be very spoiled.. *grin* That's ok, they only get two presents a piece from us. We don't want them to get used to the idea that we will get them everything they want. I guess you could say I'm still quite "old school" in my thinking. More to come on Solstice later, as well as a jewelry post! Haven't done one of those in a while. I have several new pieces so stop by the shop.. *winkwink* Yes, I know, I have no shame... :P

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Samhain has past

Well.. Samhain has come and gone... Samhain marks the end of the Pagan year, a time when the harvest comes in, and in olden times, that was the end of the season, a time for reaping the change of the season to prepare for the long rest rewarded to those long seasons of work. While we no longer break our backs over acres and acres of our livelihood (well, most of us, anyhow), we do work through the seasons, on ourselves and Samhain gives us time to reflect on that. We can reap the benefits of our hard work, and resew the the "bad crop" that we didn't nurture to fruition. It's a time to celebrate change, a time to start a new year fresh and clean. It's also a time of guidance, a time when the veil of the spirit world grows thin, when we can ask for help and receive it. A time when we can simply say "Where do I go from here?" and the images we are given suggest to us a path to take, or a danger we may have missed, or a blessing in disguise. It's a time of reflection, a time of thanks, a time of togetherness, a time of fun, and a time of self.

Welcome to a new year everyone. May it bring you new challenges, new peace, new happiness, new sorrow, new life, and experience. May it be all you hope and all you need. May it be so.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Well, they say it's your birthday... nah nah nah nah nah...

So yeah... Another birthday come... You know what I don't understand about them? Why do people make a big deal about "another year" added on? I find it odd.. Maybe it's me? I don't feel older... I never do... I mean.. physically, yeah, I FEEL old, but that's due to my physical health issues... but my birthday doesn't make me feel any older than I was last year.. I don't see my self any older than I was when I was say, 16. Ok, so maybe not 16.. but you get the idea.. I just don't feel older.... I don't see it.. I don't see myself at any sort of age really, can't really say that I pin an age down on me, and I have trouble remembering how old I am actually, I honestly have to think about it.... And people laugh when I tell them "You aren't old until you're dead, and then it's too late to care about it." But I'm SERIOUS.. It's true! So yeah.. Maybe I am the weird one.. :) But that's ok.. I can live with that. ;) Either way... Happy Hatch Day to me. :P Now.. How old am I again? *scratches head*

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Afraid...

I want to be the type of person that gives with out judgement, the type of person that sees someone on the street and hands out what I can with out batting an eye.. And I would.. I really would.. But I'm afraid. Not afraid of what they would do with it.. I don't judge. I would simply give and that would be me doing my part to help humanity, and if they chose to use it for bad, that is their choice. It would make me sad, really. But what stops me, is fear... fear of being attacked. That judgment is what I cannot get past. And past is the biggest part of it. I cannot get through my own past attack. I can't get through my own attack, and it has spread to being afraid of not only huge black guys, but scrawny homeless guys, thug-y looking white guys, even just an average teen. It saddens me. And I know it's a process I have to go through. I know it takes time. Trust me, I have come an EXTREMELY LONG WAY from the terrified girl who couldn't drive ANYWHERE even during the day, who couldn't function outside her house alone. The one who couldn't even LOOK at a guy that might be "shady" with out freezing up in a panic or running the other way. It's been 8 1/2 years. I don't dream about it. I don't flash back. I can say his name. I know he tried to kill me. It's not so hard to admit now. I used to say it was a kidnapping, not that he tried to kill me. Now I have come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't bring up the worst part on purpose. I can now. So why does it still have this hold over me? I'm tired of the process. I'm ready to be done. More than ready. I know, I know.. I'm impatient...

Monday, October 11, 2010

hanging out... :)

Hanging out in Texas, enjoying my sister and BIL's company, and my niece and nephews' as well. :) In fact, I seem to be enjoying much more lately.. And even though I still feel the full range of my varied feelings, I feel much more normal.. We started me on Topamax again, paired with everything else in the world I'm on, and I really do feel so much more level headed. We made it all the way to TX (an 8 hr drive mind you) with 3 kids, and no huge tantrums on my end. ;) Actually, I'm really proud of the kids, they did fairly well for kids on the spectrum. The kids are hyper here, but we're doing ok at dealing with it here, and I'm not near as frazzled over it. It's been really nice.. The big challenge will be seeing if I cycle down. So we'll soon see... *crosses fingers* :)

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

wishing...

My down days get me really bad... I long to be happy. I remember it, but it seems like forever ago, even though it was maybe just a few days. I hate myself in these times. I hate not caring about the house, about me, about life. I hate the constant nothingness I feel. Even in looking at my kids, I just go through the motions, mainly because they must be done, but not because I want to, not because I care. I long to be really truely happy. I honestly can remember it, but that was when I first started the Adderall, and to be really honest, I think I was in an actual true mania state, I felt like I was on top of the world, no matter what happened, I was all smiles, giggly and beyond chatter box.. it was ADDICTIVE... I want it back.. I would do ANYTHING to get it back. now that my body is "used" to the Adderall, I'm back to living in shades of grey.. White hot anger and irritation as my "high" and deep black depression as my low, with shades of grey in between. There's no color in my life.. I LONG for color... I need it. I know it's there, I feel the hints of color during my ok days... But that true mania was vibrant, alive and breathing.. I WANT IT.. I WANT IT BACK.... NOW. But I don't know how to get it. Or if the safety, the consequences of it are worth the high... I no longer trust myself. The urge to take more than I need in order to get back that feeling... I just don't know how much longer I can resist that urge. Thankfully my appt is tomorrow. I'm taking the meds with me, and I'm going to try and give them back to the doctor. I hope I can do it. I need to.. This scares me... It scares me more than the thought of never being truely happy. This cycle down has been bad, maybe due to my period, I don't know for sure really.. I just, I feel empty, despite all my blessings, and despite everything I know I have, and I know I"m not empty, but I just feel empty... I need to just mellow out for a few days until this passes, I know... Maybe when I come back up things will be more clear to me...

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Tiny Blessings

Well this weekend provided me with a tiny blessing. I was going along, at my normal moody speed, and I stopped Sunday afternoon to notice that the spiral willow out on our back porch seemed to be growing new leaves finally (caterpillars had eaten most). Well, right there on the tree was a butterfly! So I grabbed my camera and eased out the door to try and get a picture. When I walked up, I realized it was a monarch! And much to my surprise, it was fluttering it's wings but not flying off. That's when I saw it. An opened chrysalis! It had just come from within and was drying off it's wings! How amazing is that? So of course I got a picture or two. Then my eye caught ANOTHER one! This chrysalis was unopened! And then I found another up on the frame of our window! How blessed can we be?! Mother Earth bestowed three beautiful blessing on our house! I can't wait until the other two chrysalises open!



Sunday, September 19, 2010

seeds

We all have seeds buried deep with in us. Seeds of doubt, seeds of love, seeds of hate, seeds of hope, seeds of courage... All sorts of seeds. We are constantly growing in one form or another, constantly feeding those seeds. And most of the time we take unending care of how we feed those seeds, just the right amount of food to only those seeds we want to grow, in hopes that the seeds we desire will take root and crowd out those we don't want. Though, sometimes, those other seeds steal food from our "wanted" seeds.. They steal enough to flourish deep inside us. After all, we are human. One of those that has such experienced stealth abilities is the seed of doubt. Seed of doubt is no ordinary seed. The food we give to our wanted seeds, it's super food for the seeds of doubt. And so, some times that seed of doubt doubles in size, screaming to be acknowledged. So we let it voice it's words, and the roots grow stronger. We are only human, after all. Try as we might, sometimes, it's just there, waiting.

My seed of doubt has been flourishing. Try as I might to feed others, it just is too strong, I've given it too much food in the past, now it affects the present. I've given it power and strength by voicing those doubts... Am I good enough? Do I have talent? Am I a good parent? Do people really love me? Do I really love myself? Am I really a good person? Do I really KNOW what I want? Who I am? The questions scream to be voiced, prying through a mask of myself. I hold the mask together as best I can, but there are cracks, because I've dropped it before. With each question, those cracks spread, just a hair... Who knows how far they have to spread before my mask comes crumbling to the floor? I try so hard to feed the right seeds, to stamp down the growing tendrils of doubt. Those tendrils have thorns that grab hold of my very being. I know the answers to those questions, I know I do. And will continue to feed those seeds that I want to grow, and I can only hope they will crowd out those that I choose to cut down. I can only hope.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Talking Turquoise

Since I've started the jewelry back up, I've begun thinking about the stones I feel most drawn too. Turquoise is one of those. I've never known why really. So yesterday I pulled my little stone book out and began to read. Turquoise connects us to the earth. It's sacred to many American Indian tribes as well (which is how I first became drawn to it). The Indians used turquoise and coral in paintings to bring rain. Others buried it to guard loved ones who had passed on. It's a stone of protection, of healing, courage, and love. It's no wonder I have always loved it. So the next time you feel alone, or in need of courage or protection, turquoise will help, whether it be a piece of jewelry or simply a chunk that you carry in your pocket.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

New Jewelry Pieces


Changing Joy

So today I have been thinking a lot. Thinking about love, change, anger, peace, and joy. I find myself to be a woman of many talents, a woman of many masks. I have many loves, writing and art just being two. I think about them quite a bit. I have a burning desire to be successful in what I do, especially when it comes to the things I love to do. Makes sense right? We all want to be successful in a "job" that we love. I have taken up the "job" mask several times before, and it never fit. This time, I desperately desire to do well, to cling to those masks. I find a sense of accomplishment and a sense of wonder in finishing a poem or in inking in the final touches on a painting. Though even that feeling must change, as things always do. I find myself changing what success means. I go from that sense of accomplishment being a great success to the sense of acceptance when a poem is published and paid for, or when my artwork is sold. I say acceptance, not accomplishment, because that is what it really is. Acceptance into the realm of artists, of writers, having them open their arms and say "We like you, you are one of us, stay and be happy." I hate that the joy has changed from accomplishment to acceptance. I am my own person and I should chant to my own beat. I have recently rediscovered a joy that was missing in my life, working with stones to make jewelry. This has caused me to stand back and re-evaluate why that joy had changed. I began choosing acceptance over my own personal joy. I want it back. I will have it back. Acceptance and Success don't mean being a well published poet or an artist whose work is displayed across the states. Sure, that would be nice.. But to really say that you are success? Be happy, do what brings you joy and do it well. If it's one thing, or five, just be.

Mixed up day...

Having a blah moment... So not fun.. yesterday was rough, and today isn't shaping up much better. Though I'm better today than yesterday, so that's a good thing. I keep going in spurts of good mood, then irritable. So not fun! I hate these types of days. I know the kids are craving some stability from me, which is part of why they are so crazy right now. I think I'm going to do some more jewelry work. That always lifts my spirits, even more so than art! Off to think on it... Heads up for the next post, I finished one of my new ideas and I"m in LOVE with it!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Freshening up :)

Updated most of my photographs of the paintings I have done. Got some extra detail in on most. Also added 2 new items! One of which is a great framed set of 4 beautiful Monarch Butterflies. Such stunning colors just in time for fall. Gives one a sense of warmth on a chilly fall day.


I have been doing a lot of freshening up of my paintings as well, working on some new ideas. Another post about those later though. It's hard sometimes to keep the confidence up about my work. But thanks to some wonderful friends and acquaintances, I feel good about things right now. :)

Had a rough day today, the kids have been crazy all day long.. Not sure what has gotten into them! Hoping it doesn't rain tomorrow, that way we can get them outside to play and they won't drive me even more nuts than I already am! ;)

Friday, September 10, 2010

feeling pretty good

Minus the headache, I've been feeling pretty good. Moods are fairly good, even my bad days seem to have a softer edge.. It'd be nice if the Abilify would take the swings away all together, but I'll take what I can get! The side effects are a bit crazy, but I can deal for now.. will talk it all over with the Pdoc in a couple weeks and see what she thinks is a good choice, staying on, or trying new.

I have been stoking the creative juices lately. I've been doing a TON of painting :) I'm really proud of how well they have been coming along. So far I have 2 new illustrations:





I've also been working on some jewelry, really enjoying that. :) It's so calming to work with natural stone and crystals. Just lifts my spirits. Not to mention the awesome sense of accomplishment I get from both the jewelry and the artwork. Now if only I'd get more good news from the several poetry submissions and I think I just might make it to cloud 9. ;) Either way though, I'll settle for feeling good.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Stupid me...

So.. yesterday I got pulled over for apparently coming to a "rolling stop" at a stop sign that I turned right at, instead of a complete stop. I don't remember not stopping, I would say I always stop. But maybe I didn't this time, I wasn't concentrating on driving, I was tallying up grocery money in my head. Got a ticket for the first time in my driving history.. I have NEVER had a ticket before. And I'm really upset over it. Looked up the price on line and it's something along the lines of INSANE. They wrote down "disregard for stop sign" on the ticket.. I guess that means "running" the sign? Which is technically not what I did, I don't think.. I don't know.. Anyways, point being, it's an insane fine, and hubby thinks I need to go to court to contest it and try to get it dismissed, especially since it's my first one.. I am TERRIFIED. I mean UTTER PANIC every time I even THINK about it. How am I going to do this? I can't do it.. I can't... Just thinking about it gives me the shakes, I just want to bolt... What am I going to do? And what if they don't dismiss it???? Then I have to pay the ticket AND court costs.. Let's put it this way... Memphis vs here... The ticket is FIVE TIMES AS MUCH here. What am I going to do?

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Success!!

So.. Much to my extreme delight.. I got an email yesterday from Midwifery Today. I sent in a birth poem to them around mid month, and it was accepted for publication!! I'll get 2 copies of the publication to share and a small bio underneath the poem. I'm SOOOO EXCITED! I was published in a High School Reader magazine, but that was waaaaay long ago ;) so this is awesome! Hopefully it's the first of many to add to my writing "resume". Time will tell. :)

Monday, August 30, 2010

Keeping busy

Still working on getting lots of stuff posted to Broken Muse.. Most of it oldies.. but I did do 2 new paintings (watercolor) and an (if I do say so) AWESOME photo of my brushes. My mom thinks I should sell it to magazines and such.. *blush* I figure if I keep busy I won't have time for crazy nutty feelings and such.. right? Gives me a bit of a break as well.. ;) I can always use an escape or two around here.... And I only get irritated when I'm interrupted creating.. not just updating... so not too bad here :)

Friday, August 27, 2010

Stomp

Feeling that blahness, I don't care sorta feeling again, creeping up upon me. I know I need to get busy and get past it as quickly as I can.. Some of it is setbacks.. setbacks in meds, medical stuff, and socially.. Biggest issue right now, is to figure out if this is an Aspie issue or Bipolar issue I'm facing here. I get the ups and downs, but wondering what triggered this. Was it all the things gone wrong? IF so, isn't an Aspie issue this time.. Or was the timing just, well, just right? That's been known to happen as well. Gotta treat each the same, so that doesn't make too big a difference.. It's more a control thing, charting moods, and understanding myself. If I can understand the WHY behind it, maybe I can better control it the next time the trigger hits. Spent a large portion of today cleaning and panicking over a shindig I'm having tomorrow.. I just envision the goings I've had in the past, where only 2-3 ppl show up, and 2 of those 3, are relatives. (Not that I'm not so very grateful that they showed!) I know that won't happen this time, but I just have that feeling anyways.. I can't shake the feeling of failure.. again. In the past I think it's been that the crowd I used to be with, well, they just didn't feel that this area of town was a doable drive, that 30-40 mins was just not worth it. At least, I guess that's the reason. I've never had a successful get together of any type, product party, shindig, playdate, they have all gone horribly wrong, like a ghost town on steroids. I don't get it, really. Maybe it's just another Aspie thing and I'm reading too much into it.. All I know is I shouldn't freak about this coming one, but I am.. Maybe I should just go clean some more.. at least my house looks nice now. :)

Monday, August 23, 2010

I did it... :)

Re-opened Broken Muse.. Look, right over there ------->

yup.. I found some brave.. Now, I gotta keep it. So any positive energy or prayers would be greatly appreciated... My newest mantra is "I will not delete pages when moody... I will not delete pages when moody..." ;) Chant with me now! :)

Thursday, August 19, 2010

updating...

Had my second appt with the new P Doc. The Adderall is doing wonders... and the Abilify is not. Not to mention the constant nausea. So we are going to switch to taking in the AM, right after breakfast. That insures that A. I EAT breakfast ;) and B. that I have food in my tummy, instead of an empty tummy all night.. So far.. so good. :) Now that I know I can tolerate it in the mornings, going to up it to 5mg instead of 2.5mg. Hoping this does the trick. I really like her, she's very easy to talk to and she's understanding. Doing well with the therapist as well.. very well... So.. keeping fingers crossed!

On an unrelated note, I started http://worldofmoments.etsy.com back up, featuring son # 1's artwork! Not sure yet about starting mine back up yet, but for now, he wanted to see his pictures back up on "the computer place". So I agreed. Donating 50% to both Dockery Foundation and Autism Solution Center... (alternating months) Hoping to get some good attention for both charities. I have gotten such good remarks on his art already! And possibly someone making a purchase here soon. Hopeful!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Paths

Well.. ok, had an appt last week with a new psychiatrist.. Really really like her. She admitted she knew nothing of aspergers or autism, but she was very honest and thorough.. I liked that... Hubby and I sat down and had a big talk about supplements and meds. Decided that I couldn't handle what may be "kicked up" by supplements right now, and that THE goal was to get me to a level and happy place. Period. And if meds will do that quickly and affordably.. so be it. So anyways.. we're trying low dose Abilify and Adderall (gee.. ADHD? ME? never.. *spills sarcasm*) The Abilify I feel needs to be ramped up to a full dose. It takes the "edge" off now. The Adderall, I decided to half the dose she gave me due to the mitral valve prolapse. The cardio doc agreed with me and it does seem to be doing a good bit of help at that dose. Though I will admit, the days when I miss a dose are NOT pretty. Will talk w/ the doc about maybe trying a non-stimulant.. The first few days of Abilify and Adderall together I was in such a great mood. It's weird to feel happy. You know, REALLY happy. Wanting to do things, wanting to clean.. (don't die of shock on me here!) Came down off of that though... :( Back to yelling.. Though like I said, I need some more tweaking of meds to get it right... but it's a good start. I do feel like I can control the rage-y part of my anger.. so that is quite an improvement... Now we just need to keep going...

On other subjects... The kids got their second Hep B and their first MMR today. Not seeing any serious issues other than an immediate lack of impulse control.. though I won't jump to conclusions JUST yet.. They have had a very out of the ordinary day full of stress and crazy appointments... so they could just be out of sorts from that.. Here's hoping!!! *crosses fingers*

Friday, July 16, 2010

What to do, what to do....

I have a big decision before me. This one involves meds vs supplements. I've not been posting much.. been over a month, I know... I keep cycling back and forth btwn being in a good mood (and very busy the kids/house) and being in an irritated or "I don't care" mood. So things have fallen by the wayside here. I've been trying different meds and getting the same results, any time I try an anti-depressant. Not good results, mixed episodes that leave everyone unhappy. I recently sent an email to the biomed dr, Dr. Yasko, asking for her input into my situation. She responded with quite a few new supplement recommendations, and stating that she would send me a test to send in. My thought is, she is sending this test for free (as with her site, if you order it, you pay before the kit ships to you...) and if so, that would be amazing.. if she expects me to send in payment, well, I just simply can't. That particular test is $300. NOT chump change. But this begs the decision... Prescription meds or supplements. If I go the Dr. Yasko route, it's going to be costly, but I will be under the care of someone who understands MUCH more about my genetics and med reactions, someone who can help balance out my hormones and chemicals. And very likely get me stable, though I will likely go through a die-off or "detox" period which will be rough on me no doubt. Did I mention it would be costly? I'm already spending about $300 a month in supps, for ME (doesn't even include the kids). But if I go the MD route, MUCH cheaper, closer to $40 a month, and likely going the route of an antipsychotic will get me stable, but there's side effects, many of them which will not be pleasant.. Think nausea and dizziness, and shakes, and weight-gain... To name a few..

So yeah.. I have a lot to think about. If I were rich, my choice would be made, I'd go the Dr. Yasko route. Nothing to think about. But.. I'm not.. I'm on a VERY tight budget, with nothing left to cut out... I prefer Yasko to the MD approach.. I just don't know how realistic that choice is right now....

*think**think**think**think*

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Three years ago...

I was sitting in the middle of the floor, wrapped in a blanket, shivering. In walk Kim and Melissa, my 2 midwives. It was the start of an amazing experience and the beginning of Morri's life. The whole night/morning went so quickly. And then she was here.

Happy Hatch Day to my sweet baby. No, not a baby anymore.. to my sweet big girl. :) The last of my babies..

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Cycle high...

Why can't I be "happy" when I cycle high? Why do I have to be the one that gets irritable, angry, irate, raging... WHY? Why can't I make myself sane? Why can't I stop the swings? Why does everything have to be so challenging for me? So difficult? Seriously, I didn't sign for this. My kids didn't sign up for this... *sigh* I DON'T WANT MY KIDS TO BE SCREWED UP BECAUSE I'M SCREWED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Migraines suck

Yeah, that says it all really. I'm still doing massive research on migraines. And Fibromyalgia. Did you know that both can be linked to pre-menopause? The delicate balance needed by a woman's body in regards to hormones is hard to maintaine. Hormones can wreck HAVOC when things aren't as they should be. I have bloodwork from a year ago showing mine were SOOOOO out of whack. I feel worse now than I did then, so I doubt they have corrected, infact the issues I am facing would lead me to believe that things are headed south quickly. Going to take some steps to address that, and hoping to see some relief on all fronts.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Getting sick...

I hate sore throats. It's the 2nd most hated "sick" symptom ever in my book. 1st would be nausea. I think it's because those 2 things are a constant reminder going "HELLO!" all the time..

So today is the first "official" day of summer break for the kids. Not sure what to do with them. I need to get a handle on the kids, interaction wise, or I'm never going to be successful at homeschooling. I know I don't need to keep them busy 24/7. And my mom swears up and down that parents who are constantly finding things for their kids to do aren't "normal".. you know, always keeping kids busy with craft projects and such.. not that there's anything wrong with doing that sort of thing, but all the time? It really makes us other moms feel like such slackers.. well, I do atleast. My therapist says the whole interaction issue I have, the relating thing, is an Aspie trait, just like the kids.. Never thought about it that way. I think that is going to make it even harder. I dunno. I guess I just wish they'd listen to me like they do their teachers. I have tried just about everything, even tried "discipline" like their teachers... didn't really work like I wanted. Connor is having accidents now that school is out and things are unstructured. I'm trying my best to pay attention to him so I know when he needs to go and is ignoring it. It's extremely hard not to get anrgy and irritable towards him though. I feel like sometimes he does it on purpose, just to piss me off.. It's an awful way to feel.

Oh, speaking of therapy, going to try and make an appt for next week to start things back up again. I'm looking forward to it.

Friday, May 21, 2010

a bit better...

Found someone to help me make some sense out of the supplements/genetics and I think we have a plan now. Started GABA and LOW doses of 5htp, in hopes that will level out my serotonin/dopamine levels. I start therapy in June, thanks to my mom. Now I just have to take it slow and don't get my hopes up...

Thursday, May 20, 2010

yesterday

so yesterday was bad. really bad. and today isn't too much better. I came off the deplin because it was causing agitation (ever since the zoloft). I am at a loss as to what to do. Too much serotonin, and I get agitated and rages. Too little and I am severely depressed. And with the mutations I have, my dopamine is high on top of it all.. it's a recipe for disaster. And I have no way of knowing how to fix it. It's the reason why all these "mood" meds make me all wonky.. either working well at first then feeling like they no longer work (too much serotonin at that point). I spent most of yesterday crying and pitching fits, yelling at the kids when they acted out or demanded too much of my attention. Today it's the anxiety that's getting me. And to top it all off, I've been running an asymptomatic low grade fever for 2 days, fluxing between chills and feeling like my face is on fire, but my temp is staying around 99.1-99.5.. I don't get it. Just don't get it.. And I don't see any help, any end in sight. The Dr. Yasko group is of NO help, they just tell me to buy boat loads of supplements and tests that I can't afford.. I just want to escape it all, run away.. but I can't, because I can't run away from ME.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Therapist

I wish I could find a therapist that would work for free or VERY little (like less than a co-pay each visit). I need help.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Dining with guilt...

I'm so numb right now with guilt.. I feel like I'm being forced to choose between my health and my kids' health. Because we don't have the money to do both. And Dr. Yasko's program makes it this "all or nothing" thing.. it's like, I paid all that money to figure out what what wrong with me, and now I can't fix me.. The kids have been so insane lately, and I KNOW they need some "step ups" on sups, and some new stuff added in but I can't possibly do both? So who do I choose? Myself or my kids???? I lose either way.

ups and downs

Been feeling odd lately.. I keep switching between sheer laziness, not caring at all, and feeling lost, searching, but empty.. Things have been weird. I haven't felt like myself since starting the zoloft and even though I've stopped it, I'm still not back where I should be. I have been searching for something... not sure really what yet. I keep getting these feelings that I'm missing something. I want to find what I'm missing, but I just can't seem to change me enough to try. That laziness overwhelms and I HATE it.. I do.. I hate me for being lazy. I'm hoping that I'll be able to combat it some with the new supplements I'm starting. I got my genetics results in and I'm a mess. Not as bad as others I'm sure, but the results explain a LOT. I won't go into the nitty gritty in this post, I'll try to do a separate post when I'm feeling more up to it. But lets just say, my bank account is in tears over the cost of all these new supplements and upcoming tests. Not sure what to do about that yet. Something has to be done, just not sure what.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

So sleepy...

Ok, so I didn't run away.. Feeling a bit better over the whole "panic" feeling. Got to my appt w/ the Neuro.. She's going to increase the Zanaflex to 4 times a day. She's hoping it will take care of the headaches/migraines and the FMS all in one big swoop. Here's hoping.. I really like her, she takes a lot of time to listen, and she explains her actions and choices. Very refreshing. She's actually a NP. Sad when a NP is more thorough and helpful and caring than an MD right? Oh, and got a call from the Rheumy doc.. They confirmed the pain in my sternum is just Costochondritis, which is basically cartilage inflammation. Then he had the nerve to shirk me off to yet another doctor.. This time he told me if I wanted to get an injection for pain-relief, I could go see a cardiologist. A cardiologist? WTF??? What does a cardiologist have to do with cartilage inflammation???? HE is supposed to be the one that deals with joint/muscle pain and inflammation! Stupid doctor. *sigh*
I've been burying myself in books lately.. Been a lot of stress and not feeling well. Trying to atleast manage my time, but when it comes to books, I could read ALL day. I guess it gives me a perfect escape.. I swear, if I could, I would live in my books. It would be amazing. I could become an awesome Aei Sedia, or I could learn to be a tracker and talk with wolves, or an elf with a magical voice, or a girl with a serious violin talent.. anything! It would be magical and exciting.. I could be anyone but me, and it would be perfect.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Run run run run run away....

I'm feeling that flighty feeling again. I can't seem to help it. I'm just stuck in this rut... I'm depressed, I know.. And I hurt. Migraines are back, my neck is a constaint pain, back, hips, knees, wrists all take their turn from day to day. These new glasses hurt my nose of all things, and I can't fathom taking them back, it's the second pair, I took the first back already! I'm so tired... and the depression isn't helping. I haven't gotten anything done, house is a mess again. Toys every where and dishes are piling up.

Problem is that to get out of the rut, changes have to be made.. And that scares me.. Not just the change itself, but I guess the effort of making that change. I guess I'm a lazy person, and that's a bit embarrassing to admit. But it's true I think. I coast along in the same groove because it's easy, effortless. Regardless to whether or not it's what's good for me, or my family. When am I going to get past the thinking that it's so HARD to change? Yeah, I know it's hard. Something has to be done though... And I'm terrified, restless, excited, and blank... How do I make the step from boo-hooing my problems to taking action? How?

Monday, April 26, 2010

More questions than answers

I hate not having answers to everything.. Must be a control issue? Back from the doctor this morning. Most of the test results came back normal (yay!). My bone scan showed an intense "hot spot" on my sternum (consistent with the pain I'm having there) that he thinks is either inflammation or an injury (though no injury to my knowledge) and some mild hotspot areas on my knees (degenerative - possible "arthritis") and my shoulders (which is odd, no issues there!). So I have an xray tomorrow of my chest to check for any bone injury. My sed rate is still slightly elevated and the autoimmune dsDNA test, which is fairly specific to Lupus, came back as weak-positive, though he does not think it means anything. Dr. thinks I do indeed have Fibromyalgia and is telling me to refer to both my psychiatrist and neurologist for treatment (with Lyrica). So I'm being shuffled off to ANOTHER FRICKING DOCTOR. And I'm still wary of that positive dsDNA test, though most research I can find on it, a weak-positive can rarely occur in "other-wise healthy women" per several sites. The dr doesn't want to treat me because when I was on the Neurontin, it caused more seizures, and with Lyrica being similar to neurontin, he isn't sure if it would also cause issues..

So now what? I wasn't planning on going back to the Neuro that was treating my NES, mainly because I was so mad at the fact that they wanted to just put me on meds instead of discussing the NES and searching for the reason. Not sure what to do.. the Zanaflex I'm taking nightly seems to help with most of the body pain right now, but I'll need to find a Neuro when that runs out (Zanaflex for chronic headaches/migraines). I hate health issues.

well... next?

Ok, that didn't work. Came off the Zoloft totally. Instead of helping w/ the anxiety, it caused me to go completely blah.. Even hubby said something. Stopped taking it yesterday, so hopefully it won't take long to get back to "normal". Even my "normal" is better than just not caring at all, right? Though, it may be a bad week, don't have my Deplin either. Can't afford to get it refilled until payday on Friday. Man do I hate living check to check..

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Geez...

Don't know why.. but this week has seen me go down the irritable path :( I'm just in a funk here lately.. Can't really make heads or tails of why... It doesn't help that the kids are off the walls lately too.. well, the boys are. I'm stressed over money again too. Can't afford to renew my Deplin this month and I run out in 3 days. Not a good thing. But the Deplin is $96 ($76 through the "savings" plan Deplin has) so that's a HUGE chunk of change to be spending each month. It's money that we just don't have. Which sucks, because it was really helping.. well, until this week really. Man I wish I could pinpoint out what's going on w/ me.

I'm sure some of it is dealing with frustration with the kids. It seems like we got them where we wanted them around the end of the year, beginning of this year, we pulled them off of all their supplements (except probiotics and melatonin) and they were doing SO WELL. And now, we're back to needing digestive enzymes, 5htp, biotin, zinc... frustrating. I don't know what to do. I have a feeling that the vaccinations are playing into our needing to add stuff back, Brae for one gets EXTREMELY hyper and overly impulsive afterwards and it takes us a good month to rectify it. But what's my alternative? Homeschooling just isn't for me. I have zero confidence in my abilities. There's NO way I would get an exemption against the rest of their shots, and I'm not even sure I would want them not getting them.. both paths scare me, frustrate me..

And I haven't even mentioned that my get up and go with house cleaning well, it got up and went.. We're back to trying to catch up all the time and it's overwhelming us again.. I'm trying, I am. But I'm beginning to hit another "I don't care" phase and I am really struggling.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Can't believe I did it!

I actually made my first submission for publication! ack! I submitted 2 poems to AGNI. :) whoohoo!! Here's hoping! Going to look at some more magazines as well... wish me luck!!!!!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Pre-midlife crisis??

Still feeling antsy. I want to make a difference. I want a change. I have been giving a lot of thought into rejoining the work field, at least part time. But the "normal" grind of jobs just don't appeal to me. My only job experience leans toward customer service, admin and retail... Not that I think badly about those types of positions, but I guess I'm looking fore more. If I could "make it" as a photographer or writer, I would jump at the opportunity. Those types of opportunities just don't present themselves very often, and I"m unsure about how to obtain them. I don't have enough confidence in myself for writing articles or books (though I have had SEVERAL ideas) nor starting a photography business (other than Etsy, and I'm rethinking that again) not to mention the lack of professional camera. Most of what I have a passion for, at least professionally speaking, requires a degree, which I don't have, can't afford to obtain, and honestly, I was never able to really master the lecture classes. I guess the think is, I feel ready for a "career" but I don't have a real way to obtain one. Frustrating to say the least... and a bit depressing.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Antsy...

I don't know why really, but I'm just sooo antsy to go take a trip somewhere.. It's not the house, I don't really feel overwhelmed about it. I think in part I miss the excitement of travel. In part also, travel was something I always did as a family.. It gave a feeling of togetherness.. And I miss that. My family is important to me, as is tradition.. I guess as we have all gotten older, our family has drifted some. Cousins have grown up and sister has moved away. I miss my sister a lot. Right now they are a 4 day drive away. I don't get to see her much anymore, maybe once a year. Last year we had the good fortune to be able to afford a ticket for myself and my oldest so we could go see her.. It was awesome. Wish I could do it again.

Dear Body,

Hi, how are you, I don't know if you remember, we met, oh, about 30ish years ago. I'm taking the time to write today and get back in touch with you. Seems you've been busy here of late. See, I know for a fact that no one appreciates the headaches and migraines you are doling out... as well as the constant nausea rolling in waves... Now I do admire your vigil and stamina, don't get me wrong. I think, dear body, that maybe you need to go on vacation, learn to live it up and have a little bit of fun. Maybe then the rest of us can get on with the day to day... It's ok, we'll cover for you!

Sincerely,

Mind and Spirit

Monday, April 12, 2010

Home is?

Everyone knows the saying "Home is where the heart is." Right? I have a hard time with the idea of "home" vs. "house". We've been in the same place for 7 years. And ever year I get the moving itch. Some of it I know is the "running away from my problems" jazz. But the other feelings? It's weird. I love the excitement of something new, don't get me wrong.. but... I look at my house, and I compare it to my friends houses.. They are settled. Let me explain. Decorations, paint, sentiment that claims the space and shouts out "this is MINE". You don't see much of that in my house. Infact, before visiting my sister in NC, I didn't have anything on the walls, except for a herbal display in the kitchen. I knew the kitchen was MINE, and marked it thus. The rest of the house? Not so much. Oh sure our stuff was cluttered in every nook and cranny.. but that was different. So when I came home from my sister's, I put up pictures of the kids. Still not really mine, still not "decorated" or "pretty". I feel antsy in my house. I wonder if that has anything to do with the house vs home concept. I haven't taken pride in my house really and I never really understood my hubby's need to be proud of our yard. I wonder if it's because it hasn't become a home to me yet. I'm hopeful that if I can get to the point of housework that is more maintenance and routine, instead of massive mess to clean, that I'll have time to really look at my house, and then make it mine. We don't have much money, I know.. I won't be able to do things like put paint on the walls or buy artwork.. but I'm sure if I can learn to take pride in my house, I'll find something to make it my home... I hope at any rate..

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Doctor Do-over?

Not really sure what to think right now about my neurologist.. I'm feeling really angry right now.. I have been on trial of every medicine.. Depakote caused rages, Keppra worked well, but made me really irritable, so the psychiatrist tried Lamictal and Trileptal, then when I rashed with those, asked me to have the neuro put me on something else, something non-"mood stablizing". So we switched to neurontin, which didn't help and caused more "seizures" or what I thought were seizures. So I called the doctor finally at the urging of a great friend, D. Well.. the nurse calls me back and says I've just about run the whole lot and that my psychiatrist should choose the next course of action.. What the hell type of answer is that? So I ask her if the wrong meds can infact induce more seizures or "change" them.. she says yes.. I ask her if I am in fact experiencing seizures. (Let me note, I called and asked this very question a month ago, because I was worried that this whole thing could have been anxiety or ADHD related instead and not true seizures and the Dr. on call said absolutely not anxiety or ADHD).. So ms nurse says "well, we call them 'episodes' instead." So basically she's saying that I'm having NES or non epileptic seizures.. Ok then, why not tell me that from the START and save me the trouble of all the meds and reactions and instead SEARCH FOR THE FUCKING CAUSE of these non-epileptic events???? Seriously.. So in the mean time, my joints as you all know flared up really badly after the steroids and now my soreness is much much worse.. And I was sent to an rheumitologist to go through further testing.... In the mean time.. I'm weaning off the Neurontin.. The neuro was going to put me back on Keppra, but I can not handle the moods. I am going to go with out the meds, what's the point of them right? I mean they may have been helping but it may have been me "relaxing" more knowing I was on something to help... These NESes could be migraine or Fibro related... (oh yeah, the RA doc things it's Fibromyalgia.. lovely...) So.. I'm not sure where to go from here, not sure if I'm going to actually go to the neuro appt at the end of April.. I may search for another doc that can help with the headaches... I haven't decided yet. Need to think on it... And I have the RA doc appt at the end of the month as well, just before the neuro, so that will be helpful as well... *think think think*

Friday, April 9, 2010

Hi, nice to meet me, I'm my doctor...

Going to be doing some serious hashing out of medical junk here soon.. Not tonight, because I've already taken my zanaflex and I'm ready to crash.. but soon.. I have to find some sense in everything, and this seems a good enough place to start.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Struggling with me.

Been struggling a lot here lately.. Not with moods, thankfully. For the most part that has been under control, a few outbursts and some overwhelmed moments but nothing serious. I have been struggling with taking care of myself. 99% of the time, I put the kids first. Each day, every day. I don't eat breakfast until they're out the door and on the bus. I buy them clothes instead of buying myself clothes. I make sure they are washed and cleaned and healthy, but I don't do the same for me.

I know I need to change that. I know I need to take time for me, take care of me. But it's hard to change. Part of me wonders if the reason I don't care so much about taking care of me is because I don't think I'm worth it? I don't know, psychoanalyzing myself should be left to the professionals. ;)

So.. if I need to change the whole taking care of the kids/me ratio, what do I start with? How do I start? And what's the right "ratio" of kids/me??? I hate not knowing the answers to questions... *sigh*

Monday, April 5, 2010

checking in...

I had a really great couple of days, I got a LOT done in ways of house work. vacuumed, swept, all the dishes done, counters cleaned, folded laundry... Lots of good stuff.. played out side a lot too... And Sunday.. not so much. I knew when I woke up it would be an off sorta day. Woke up sore. Had to make breakfast (which everyone liked, so that was good). THEN I had to make something for my family's easter potluck thing... Not so great. Planned on bringing some lunchmeats and the kids' bread, and a dessert. Decided I didn't have time for brownies, given everything around the house we had to do first. Then it was a rush to get out the door, and being in a rush KILLS me. Then we forgot some things and Richard had to go back for them. Then someone else brings lunch meat sandwhiches, and no one ate my desert (a fresh strawberry/banana gelatin dish) and it "melted" from being out, and I never got a chance to slip away to cool off, so I took a K and was feeling a bit better, then I dumped an entire glass of water on my pants. Had to borrow some from mom. Wasn't until everyone had left that I was feeling "ok". When we got home, we were so distracted that we forgot to put all the stuff up that needed refridgeration, and the 2 roasts I had in the crockpot were done. I unplugged the crock and took the lid off. Realized I had left the bread at mom's. She gave it to her friend to try on her kiddo (who might be GF soon) so I was just going to use gallon ziplocks for the roast since the container the bread was in is what we usually use for large foods. Only by the time I got off the phone w/ my mom, I'd completely forgotten about the roasts! So they sat out all night uncovered. So now I have to re-cook them up to temp in the crock to kill off any germs.. I'm just so annoyed that I had two GREAT days and now I'm back in a funk.

Oh and to make matters WORSE... When Richard got up this am, he didn't go let Merlin inside. (we let Merlin out at night because if we don't, he howls all night throughout the house) Well, when I got up, he was no where to be found.. Even with me calling for him, and shaking food.. He has NEVER done that so now I'm overly worried about him. Going to go for a walk later and see if I see him.

ugh.. why can't life be easy?

Thursday, April 1, 2010

wow...

Looking down there, hrm.. yeah, I really am insane aren't I?? Feeling a good bit better this morning.. Klonipin does that.. Took the first .5 and nothing. Took another .5 at bedtime.. Feeling better now.. Hoping I can handle what's on my plate now that the "meltdown" is over...

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

lost it

Don't know why, or what triggered it. Could've been the dog eating the toys, shitting and pissing in my house.. Could have been the diva screaming HER head off all day.. could've been the oldest and his accident.. I don't know.. All I know is I want to run away today.. My kids don't need this, they don't need me. They need a loving and caring mom.. not me.. not this "satan" version of mom... I just don't know what to do what to think.. yesterday was ok, why isn't today? Something has GOT to give. I'm not sure how much more I can deal with, not sure how much more my KIDS can deal with.. I FUCKING HATE THIS.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

so unsure..

I'm really not sure what to think anymore. I'm so tired of more and more things about me giving out or getting worse.. *sigh* I keep saying I feel like a hypochondriac and I DO feel like one. Except I don't WANT to be sick, or hurt... I just want to be a normal person with normal aches and pains, not this 80 yo woman trapped in a 30 yo's body! I swear.. And I get to sit around and listen to the doubt around me from some people over what's going on, and that just makes me feel even more so like a hypochondriac! It makes me question myself.. a lot. It is all in my head? I KNOW I'm not making it up.. Take the Epilepsy for example. EEG was normal and according to the "substitute" doc I saw, the muscle twitching is "psuedo" meaning "in my head". Ok, so what about the rest? My psychiatrist is questioning whether or not I have epilepsy because of the TYPE I have and the symptoms, she wants to know if it could be anxiety or ADHD causing the issues. So I called and they said no way could it be anxiety or ADHD. So.. they still haven't sat me down and said for SURE that my seizures are epilepsy. It leaves me questioning. And my mom is doubtful and questioning my doc's judgement. I've been on more meds than I care to count, most of which I reacted badly to, either in mood changes, or physically (rashes). And now this whole soreness and joint pain comes back and is worse than it used to be (and it used to be highly annoying.. now it's just bad and annoying)... So my reg doc sends me to an RA doc. And thankfully it's NOT RA or Lupus, or any of those inflammatory autoimmune issues. He thinks it's fibromyalgia.. Great.. what's one more log on my fire? really, I don't care that it's a bon fire the size of a house.. He's running some tests just to be safe. Don't expect anything out of those, though I'll admit the bone scan is going to be cool, just from a geek stand point :P Anyways.. I like the doc, he didn't think I was "crazy" or searching for a certain diagnosis, or anything like that.. But I don't know, I still feel crazy for going to the doc at all.. Is it just me? My friend D will probably read this and kick my cyberbutt for this post.. She's good at setting me straight ;) I just keep wondering what else could go wrong? And when do I get to feel better? If I feel this crappy now, what's 80 going to look like? I'm just sick of all the doc appts, for me, for the kids... It's just insane and it's been all at once.. I need a break.. bleh.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

ugh...

I really really hate the unpredictable ups and downs.. I have no idea why I'm so irritable and grumpy today :( I just can't help it.. *sigh*

Saturday, March 27, 2010

We are what we eat?

If that's the case, then I truly am a Nut! :P Seriously though... I have been doing some serious thought on diet.. I am really tired of not eating "normally" and by normally, I don't mean like the "average horrible american diet". I simply mean, I'm tired of the GFCFSFEFPFSGFCRF "ABC" diet :P That is to say.. Gluten/Casein/Soy/Egg/Peanut/Sugar/Corn free.... The thing is though, I feel better physically. And dear god do I know that for me casein free is a set in stone rule. There's not much choice in diet for my family. And we've had quite a fair share of issues with diet. Do we try the Specific Carb Diet, where we limit all "big carbs" and only ingest the tiny little easy to break down carbs like some fruits, honey, and tons of meat and fats? Do we try the Low Oxalate diet (which I honestly don't understand much of, other than it takes away what SCD allows you to eat)? Do we try the Body Ecology Diet (your "basic" yeast free carb free yeast busting diet)? Do we just try to avoid those sensitivities we have and just learn to live with the yeastie beasties that "could be" raging through our bodies? Do we give up all together? Do we? Do we? Do we? Now THAT is a ton of questioning.. and damnit, questions NEED answers, right? Right. Unfortunately, I don't think these questions really have, or will ever have an answer... Or at least, a uniform answer of right and wrong, yes and no. So... I took to my own task of picking these diets apart. Finding what people liked and saw progress with, and what they didn't like, or questioned one too many times... Did I find anything out? I dunno, I'll tell ya in a month... :P Seriously. I'm going to pick and choose from all of the above.. and just plain give it a go. We're going to continue the "ABC" diet of avoidance, and rotation of what sensitivities we have.. and if I can save up enough $$ we'll retest those sensitivities. We're going to go the way of a base probiotic maintenance along side a high potency yogurt or "ice cream".. Will it be goats milk? or Cow's milk? or Almond milk? Well, for now I'm going to try with Almond or Coconut milk, but I may brave cows milk later. I can "handle" Parmesan fine, so I have high hopes that I will be able to handle the "properly" made cows milk yogurt. We shall see... I just ordered a new sweetener.. Erythritol which is "flavored" with Lo Han Sweet concentrate. It's similar to what BED recommends as a sweetener. We will be going with higher protein carbs like quinoa and brown rice.. some what limited on potatoes, hardly any corn if we can.. We're going to cut some of the high sugar fruits.. stick more with berries, green apples, no more grapes, we'll "make" lemonade using the sweetener and lemons, or just have plain lemon water.. bananas will be one every other day or less... at least for now. brown rice flour, GF oat flour and no corn starch, we'll use potato starch as needed, same with tapioca starch. The quinoa flour is "so so" on taste but we'll use it a bit along with some nut flours.. Nut flours are pricey so we're mixing... A lot of this has to do with our back pocket as well...

Now.. challenges include:
What's for lunch?
We're eating that AGAIN?
I just finished cooking, what do you mean your hungry?

So.. I would love some ideas. I have a very hard time with keeping up w/ house work, so this will prove a big task. I'm working on that issue. Hoping it will make things much smoother if I can get caught up and "train" myself to keep it up... the change is the biggest hurdle. I am accpeting prayers (no matter the faith) and lots and lots of positive and healing energy. I'm going to need all the help I can get. ;)

Friday, March 26, 2010

New therapist

Met my new therapist today, I REALLY like her.. My friend S gave me her name.. Thanks!!! She was really interested in the "big picture" as well as the problems, and really looked at things from all angles. If I can manage childcare, we're going to try and meet 4 times this coming month, to get to know each other and what we're dealing with and we'll go from there.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

the day to day

Well.. the Deplin really seems to be having a good effect on me. My moods I have really noticed haven't been down lately.. Even when I feel the "spiral" it's down to a more "blah" I don't care mood more than it's going to a serious "I hate the world" depression. Which is a vast improvement. The anxiety seems less as well, more able to "handle" it. I think I'm panicking less, thinking things through a bit more. Coming off the Keppra seems to be part of it. I notice about 1 day after the Keppra dose (I'm weaning off) I get a rage flare, and then I'm fine. Now "that time of the month" is a completely different story. The moods and temper flare bad about 4ish days or so before. And then I get "THAT" migraine about 2 days before.. Took my maxalt yesterday.. Still have the eye pain, can't look anywhere w/ out the pain. Which isn't normal for me.. I get the eye pain at random times, and it's a normal thing for me but it's usually not linked to a migraine nor is it linked to my cycle. So this time is different. Makes me a bit paranoid, what with the joint pain and all.. Yeah, I'm still waking up in pain. We did blood tests. I'm very low in Vit. D, and my sed rate is up. YAY. :( Not happy. I was referred to a reumatologist by the reg. doc. My RF came back "normal" they said. I'll be honest, I've been very concerned about my arthritis being RA. And from things I've read, about 20% of all RA cases (possibly more) show up as RF neg. Same with Lupus, about 15% of all cases show up ANA neg for years, AND only 40% of people with Lupus have the "classic" butterfly rash. I know, I know.. I sound like a hypochondriac.. I KNOW. But when you live with the daily pain, the constant issues.. you start to think about these things. Seriously. I could probably bet that over half of the people that are "hypochondraics" have something legit going on.. just haven't been looked at by docs that will take them seriously. My grandmother was treated like a hypochondriac. Granted she didn't take good care of her body (something I can't discuss here w/out my mom's permission... post to come possibly). But the docs tested for a few things, given her issues. They even tested for MS because of her symptoms.. it came back as inconclusive. They pushed her away as a hypochondriac. By the time they FINALLY took her seriously again, they found cancer. By the time they decided she wasn't "faking it" or "making it up for attention", the cancer had literally spread to her entire body. There was nothing they could do.. So I will tell you.. when it comes to MY health, or MY KIDS' health.. Don't tell me I'm a hypochondriac. I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm tired of the weird feelings in my head, the ones that make me feel disconnected, or drunk (without the drinking), like jello, like the world is twitching and moving around me. I'm tired of the moods, the bloated tummy no matter what I eat, the odd skin reactions, loosing my hair, the popping joints, the random chest/lung pain, the constant yeast issues on my skin. I'M TIRED OF IT. And I'm lucky that I've found some doctors who will listen. I just hope the luck continues.. Because I want answers. They can tell me it's not x or y, and I'll be happy with that, but I still want to know WHAT. And I want to take care of it.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Thoughts...

Been hashing out a lot in my head, not quite to the point of typing them out.. but soon. I'm "psychoanalyzing" myself a lot lately. And hopefully coming up with some answers. I'm trying not to obsess over things, like Etsy, or getting another animal. Not sure why I obsess so much.. working on that...

So I guess consider this "to be continued".. for when I'm not so tired and my brain is not so foggy :P

Thursday, March 18, 2010

rabbit hole

going back down.. again.. *sigh*

Courage Willow....

ok.. I am about to take a very very very (did I mention very?) large, gigantic leap outside of my comfort zone.

I've decided to make the move. I'm submitting my poetry to several places to be considered for publication.. *hyperventilates* This is huge for me.. I have always had confidence in my poetry (it's the ONE area where I have awesome self esteem). But to submit it for review to professionals? That's, well.. terrifying.

I'm going to do it though.. I'm gathering the publications and info I need now. This weekend will be spent typing up poems and cover letters.. I have to come up with a short "bio" for a lot of them. That will be difficult, I hate "talking" about myself in a bio sort of way.. But it will be worth it, if my poems are accepted! Could you imagine? ME, a published poet!!! I think I would just die.. die of happiness. :) I miss the poet in me.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Waking up in pain...

Yeah. The title says it all. So, back when I had the reaction to the Trileptal, the ER doc gave me a high dose prednisone RX. Basically, double the "normal" steroid pack. Started at 60mg (which is a LOT for little me) and titrated down over 10 days, instead of the normal 5 day period. By the 2nd day in, my fingers were stiff and puffy/swollen. By the 3rd day, my wrists and shoulders hurt, and I was sore at night, couldn't get comfy in bed. By day 5, my hips, knees and ankles burned and felt inflamed, very sore, tendons were really tight feeling. I'm off the steroids and still getting worse. Today? I feel like someone snuck into my bedroom last night and literally beat the crap out of me. The only area of my body that doesn't hurt? My neck. Every other joint in my body hurts or feels stiff as a board.. Even my skin hurts. Lovely.

Heading to the doc in roughly 1 1/2 hours. I swear.. If I didn't already know I had valid medical issues, I'd think I was a hypochondriac. Can I trade my body in for a newer model? Please? I can pay in cash. ;)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Hakuna Matata...

Been thinking. Going through old pictures. Remembering good times.

There haven't been many good times lately. I miss that. I know things change. Friends come and go. Life never stops.. But I really liked myself back then. Something happened. I'm not really sure what, but I want to find out. I want to have good times again. Those times when you look back and just giggle, laugh, smile and sigh.

I think it's time to start. I can beat my issues. I can have good times again. I'm ready.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Med Changes.. again.

Ok. So the psychiatrist started me on Deplin, which is a high dose RX Methylfolate. And she's hoping that it will help w/ the depression/anxiety. She FULLY understood my telling her about the mutation and methylation pathway issue and was seriously intrigued with me doing the genetics test w/ Dr. Amy Yasko. She wants to be "kept in the loop" with the results. She had me put a call into the Neuro since I wasn't going to see him until April 2nd (they can't squeeze me in sooner) because she wants to see if there is ANYTHING else I can do other than the Keppra (since "moodstablizer meds" seem to affect me so poorly).

So just got off the phone w/ Dr. N and they agreed to a med change, and they are hoping that Neurontin will be as helpful as the Keppra was on seizures, minus the mood issues, and hopefully it will help with the headaches. I told them that while I was on the trileptal that I had NO headaches.. but when I came off it, they started back up again. So they are hopeful that Neurontin will do the trick (like Topomax did.. only hopefully no bad side effects).

I do find it sooooo very frustrating that my body reacts SO weirdly to meds.. I tend to throw the docs for a loop..

Anyways, took my first Deplin today, I do feel "peppier" and here's hoping it will continue in a positive direction...

....

I love my hubby.. because even when he has no idea what to do, he still manages to make me feel better...

Doc appt with the psychiatrist today.. I've been going back through all my postings and while I seem to have rapid ups and downs, a lot of it seems to me, to be triggered by anxiety. So.. the next step I think we will look at is anxiety meds. BUT the trick will be finding one that doesn't aggravate the seizures. I'm not technically allowed to take Valium, or drink, because both can make seizures worse. And Dr. N, my neuro, is going to seriously yell at me.. I've got to call him and move my appt up from April 2nd, hoping he'll resolve the return of my constant headache pain/migraines. Also hoping he'll have some insight on the "fall asleep" issue. I have this problem where.. ok, you know how when you are SO TIRED that you could just fall asleep sitting still? ("Nodding off") And you know that "rising tingle" feeling you get in your head when you "start" back awake? I get that "rising tinglfeeling, just a weird e" when I move around, it' comes up my face and the inside of my head, behind my eyes. Not a dizzy feeling. Which is what most drs think, that's it's something like vertigo. Nope. I know vertigo, I get that sometimes. This.. not that. But I know Dr. N. He will figure it out. I just need to make sure that I know what I'm talking about when I head in there. He doesn't like non-sense. And I'm already in "trouble" w/ him.. for the valium, the alcohol, and not keeping a seizure journal like I'm supposed to. (Deb would totally beat me... *hangs head in shame*) Gotta work on that. So just a warning that this blog may end up with the odd post rambling on and on about health and such (like that over-dramatic biomed post down there....)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

i know. I know.. *RANT**RANT**RANT*

I know what needs to be done. I know if I really WANT to, I can do it. But as much as I want to get better, feel better, get the kids feeling better.. I JUST DON"T FUCKING WANT TO. Yes. I'm being a big baby. I DON"T FUCKING CARE. Seriously. You're asking me to go in and change EVERYTHING. I know the biomed (to a point) is working, we've seen it. And we've seen what happens when we come off. Not just with the kids, but with me too. If you've seen my previous biomed type posts, then you know how much I'm struggling here. I know part of it is the guess work. The guess work just KILLS ME. I want to KNOW. NOT GUESS. I want to look at a reaction and say "Yup, that's die off" or "Wow, he's really sensitive to that supplement". I don't want to sit for weeks at a time and WONDER if a reaction to a supplement is a GOOD THING or a BAD THING. I also don't want to get treated by doctors like I'm some sort of LOONEY for doing biomed, diet changes, etc. And I don't want to get treated like an outcast by the biomed community for choosing a MEDICATION over a supplement, or for choosing to vaccinate my children. (Yes, they were UNVAXED WHEN THEY WERE DIAGNOSED ON THE AUTISM SPECTRUM. SO SHOVE THAT STATISTIC UP YOURS). I'm very sensitive on the vax causes autism debate. Many many many people in the autism community that do biomed feel that because my children were not vaxed, that they can't possibly have autism. AND, get this, many many many people in the autism community (and medical community) feel that because my children were not vaxed, that one, I'm a BAD EVIL NO GOOD PARENT, and that this is PROOF that vaccinations DON'T cause autism. DAMNIT I'M NOT A FUCKING STATISTIC AND NEITHER ARE MY CHILDREN. But that's besides the point of this particular rant.. remind me, and I'm sure I'd be more than happy to scream about that later..
Now.. I'm really lucky that I have fallen in with some great friends that don't judge me.. AWESOME FRIENDS both biomed and nonbiomed (you know who you are!!!!!!). And I have to admit, I'm jealous of all of them. Those on the biomed side have seen such dramatic wonders, they are so sure of the things that work... They see progress and rejoice. Those on the nonbiomed side who turn to tradition meds, or just therapy, see results. They show off in pride. I am SO HAPPY for both.. but I'm soooo frickin jealous. We abandoned the biomed side with the one exception of diet. Diet (gluten and milk, sort of soy) have been so OBVIOUS in helping. For Connor - Gluten was HUGE in recovering his loss of speech. For Braeden - dear lord if he gets ahold of ANYTHING gluten or soy or artifical in color/sugar I'd like to kill the boy he gets so insane (note: like to, not actually DO) and dairy give him such painful tummy issues. Morri - Gluten causes her to have such severe reflux that when we take her off gluten, it can take 3 months for the reflux to resolve. Me - yeah.. well.. let's see shall we: Gluten/Corn/Soy = me looking over 6 months pregnant.. I'm NOT KIDDING. Dairy = me turning into SATAN. I'm NOT KIDDING! I *think* soy is doing the same as dairy. The more I eat of it, I think I'm noticing more and more. But then again, there's that "guess work" that I can't STAND. And we tried SCD (Specific Carb Diet) for the food sensitivities and the yeast/bacteria (I KNOW we all have that issue) and we did really well, for a very small time. But it became expensive QUICK. I'm talking we're a family of 5 and were spending about $2,000 a month in food, and still running out! And then there's the serotonin issue. I find out a good 3 months in, that people who have severely low serotonin levels (ME) should not do the diet, because a lot of the grains that are eliminated are foods that provide tryptan for the body to convert into serotonin. So yeah, I went even MORE insane than usual. Not to mention the constant hunger, listening to all my family members complain about always being hungry, the constant cooking, the kitchen that exploded because in order to cook 24/7 there's no time to clean... yeah..

Anyways.. I know we need some serious intervention, mostly diet, but def. some supplements as well. I KNOW WE DO. But what do we use? How do we do it? HOW do I make that change ONCE AGAIN? Only to fail again? What the hell is going to be left for me to eat? And who's to say that limiting our food choices on a diet isn't going to create MORE food issues? Seriously.. So far I'm "sensitive" to gluten, wheat, dairy, soy, peanuts, safflower, shrimp, oats, corn, pineapple, crab, egg whites, yeast, and rice. Wheat and milk are also lowgrade TRUE allergies for me (Rice and egg white are very mild, but if that's all I eat??? )
Connor is sensitive to (we tested him at 18mo, so I'm sure this has changed) beef, dairy, gluten, crab, lemon, oregano, green pepper, soy, and wheat. He has a lowgrade TRUE allergy to squash.
Braeden is sensitive to (are you ready for this?) apple, cantaloupe, cashew, cauliflower, coconut, coffee (COFFEE????), corn, egg white, eggplant, garlic, gluten, grape, grapefruit, honey, milk, mustard, oats, peas, peanuts, green pepper, pineapple, sesame, soy, tomato, walnut, watermelon and wheat. He has a TRUE allergy to egg that has gotten MUCH worse, he now rashes if he has eggs more than once a week.
Morri - we haven't even TESTED yet!

So.. you tell me.. WHAT THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO EAT? HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO MAKE THIS WORK??????????????????????????

I haven't even started on the supplement issues.. I'll voice those issues in a bit, the kids are needing me. And I really don't need to get anymore worked up than I am.. going to go breathe for a bit.. *sigh*

Saturday, March 13, 2010

let's see now...

Next to no sleep last night.. check.
Asthama acting up... check.
Allergies gone wild.... check.
Irritable.... check.
Annoyed w/ the kids every breath... check.


Please oh please let me hold it together today!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Ok.. let's see...

It stormed last night, I remember very drowsily waking up to what I *think* was hail. (I took a klonopin last night as a "test" to see how I'd feel this AM) So I vaguely remember the storm. And I know it's going to rain again tonight, storm most likely. But today it's supposed to be gorgeous. And this morning? Aside from a bit of a hangover feeling (that is to say, VERY groggy and fuzzy.. slept a bit too late) I managed to get the kids fed, do Connor's lunch, both snacks, remember water, a note to Brae's teacher for an IEP, AND... wait for it..... I got dressed to walk them down to the bus. Yes... you read that right. getting dressed for me, is a major accomplishment. No, not because I don't know how, that's just stupid. But let's just say that on a GOOD day, I might be dressed by the time Richard comes home from work. On a bad day? hah. So yeah, no robe this am, no PJs, I'm in real honest to goodness clothing. My mood isn't bad either.. Was it the klonopin? Dunno. Storm? Dunno. Going to keep taking the klonopin every night and see if it's a "build up in the system" sort of thing that keeps me calm enough w/ the anxiety that I can handle the problems that come at me. If it was the storm, well then, damnit Gaia needs to make it happen way more often ;) not just that nasty rainy drizzle, I mean STORM.

But either way, we'll see where this takes us. I need to make an appt w/ the Psychiatrist now that I'm off the steriods (which may also be helping!!!) so we can discuss the plan of "attack" since I obviously don't react well to the stablizers.

We're also looking at genetics. I took the $ plunge and did the MTHFR test.. The results?

Result: C677T Single mutation (C677T) identified

Interpretation:
This patient's sample was analyzed for the MTHFR mutations
C677T and A1298C. A single copy of the C677T mutation was
identified. Results for the A1298C mutation were negative.
The diagnosis of hyperhomocysteinemia can not rely on DNA
testing alone but should take into consideration clinical
findings and other studies, such as serum homocysteine
levels. Because MTHFR mutations and their associated risks
are inherited, genetic counseling is recommended.



So what does this mean? well.. The body "methylates" certain vitamins to make things like serotonin and melatonin, tryptophan.. all the "feel good" hormones and chemicals that regulate the body. My body has a bottleneck at the top of that cycle. You give my body Folic acid and it cocks an eyebrow and says "Ok, yeah.. now what?" So I don't MAKE the cycle complete, the serotonin, the tryptophan... that stuff.. so if I take the BASE form of folic (which is called Methylfolate) then my dna can use that to complete the cycle, because it's already broken down into the form it needs. I can't break down the "normal" stuff. Which I find utterly facinating.. (me and that whole medical passion coming out there!)

Anyways, all that to say, we're very very tempted to shell out $500 from our FSA to do the FULL genetic testing. The up side? I would KNOW with out a doubt what supplements would work for me, and what will hurt. The down side? Not being able to afford all the supplements.. that and KNOWING I should change certain things, which for me.. change is HELL. yeah.. so it's food for thought in the mean time. I do really think that the testing will pay for itself in the end.. my sanity is priceless right? :)

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

alright alright.. I get it...

Take a chance, I hear you.. I did.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/BrokenMuse

So here's for taking chances.. Here's for hope. Here's for NOT setting myself up for failure. If I'm sharing with the world, just to share, then no sales isn't a rejection. Just keep saying that right?

Believe.

Believe.

Believe.

Monday, March 8, 2010

arg...

It's sunny.. beautiful... 72 degrees outside.. I'm tired and feel like I'm sliding back down again.. why? I just don't get it.

setting up

I'm feeling it again, a pulling... I want to show the world how I see them. Not meaning that in a negative way, I'm not.. It's just.. I wish that I could turn my brain into a giant computer... I would pull the images my eyes and mind linger on, and download them. To be able to share that intimate and very real feeling I get when I see something, the WAY I see it, the way I FEEL it... If I could be one giant camera, then maybe I should explain my uniqueness. Maybe I could explain me? And then, that's not my desire at all. Well, not totally. I guess I feel so deeply, so raw and raggedly, that what I see, I feel. I want to share that with the world. I want to throw the images up and say "See it! Beauty! Pain! Emotion! Hate! Love! Death! Life! SEE IT!". I see such things.. Glimpses beyond a shattered image, I see the truth inside things. I see the dispair and the rejection of a rusted wagon forgotten in the weeds. I see the longing in the eyes of a toy, thick with dust, still in it's place. I see the peace and beauty of a feather, with lines so complete, yet uncomplete. I see the emotion in a rain drop longing to let go, the comfort in the grass, heavy with seed. I want to share it. I want to scream it. It's a pull I've felt for a long time. And it's one I've given into on occasion.. I had at one point tried an "Etsy" shop. I tried to show the world and well... I got my hopes too high I guess, or my "I Suck" filter was stuck on open. Or maybe people just aren't ready to see the way I see? I don't really know. But I know I feel the pull again.. So strongly. I opened up another account... And it's waiting for me.. I just don't know if I have the courage? I'm scared I'm setting myself up for failure again. I'm scared that nothing will happen and those familiar feelings of doubt and hate will start to cloud in. *sigh*

Do I or don't I? Think? Or just do?

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Missed it by *that* much....

Ok, sorry, I love that line :)

So yeah.. totally messed up again on the finances, but not a huge catastrophe. And I'm very proud of myself, because I didn't panic. I took control of what I could and breathed through the rest. We listed a bunch more on craigslist. I'm about to list my artwork and photograph there too.. Never had much luck on Etsy, but maybe there's someone out there local looking to "spruce" their place up? One can hope...

Anyways.. I'm sipping on some delish home made mead that my FIL made, I added 2 frozen strawberries to it and MAN oh man, yummo! It's very nice :) Gotta a good strength to it too.. *wink* Got a (hopefully) awesome salmon in the oven, almost ready.. and then kids are hitting the beds and I'm going to settle down w/ Richard and FIL to watch Get Smart.. (I love that movie...) :)

Saturday, March 6, 2010

I'm sorry, my responses are limited...

So.. I think I asked the right question.. and gained not only an answer.. but a new friend as well.. Things may not stay great... but for now, I am smiling. And that my friends, is a good start.

Friday, March 5, 2010

food for thought.. sort of

I'm pulling off my masks
and turning to my tasks
as questions pelt my face
I'm clinging to my place.

I've led myself astray
down paths were others lay
stepping over, under, through
chasing after you.

Tearing thought from thought
at troubles I have wrought
searching through the past
to find my truth at last.

As a crystal's many sides
there's much of me that hides
with wings both bound and worn
I reach to be reborn.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Fuck.

I screwed up... bad. We're hurting for money, worse than ever and it's MY FUCKING FAULT... Shit, I don't know what to do, we're already selling everything I can think of, and it's not enough..

Is this shit ever going to get better or is my life going to always end up in a fucking hole?

Running...

Still here.. haven't run away yet.. The steroids are doing a good bit of help on the rash, it's faded quite a bit, still a touch itchy but.. I can't expect miracles considering how bad it was.. The ER doc actually checked my throat to make sure it wasn't swollen and kept asking me if I could breathe ok.. So apparently it was worse than I thought it was.. The steroids are doing a number on my emotions right now. Even more so than just going without the mood meds. I'm trying to keep it together by keeping myself busy in obsessing over things. I know, it's not healthy to obsess... I know.. but if it keeps me from screaming at the kids 24/7 I'll take it. I've gotten a good bit done. We are selling a shit load of stuff on Craigslist and I've been seriously decluttering. Not much going out in public right now, I'm really puffy and doing a lot of binge eating.. Going to be fun to decarb myself after this is over.. We have been needing it anyways. We were eating HORRIBLY while we had our friend living here.. lots of potatoes and breads and sweets... Doesn't help me to feel better when I am on a sugar binge and needing to detox. So.. yeah.. sorry, my mind is going around in circles... I have been either so completely nutzoid that I can't even finish a word let alone a sentence (hence the "running") or completely wiped out with keeping my emotions somewhat in check. We gave the puppy away too.. which honestly is helping already. If I were in a better place mentally, and not playing the name the drug of the day game, I would LOVE to have a puppy, or dog.. but I can barely keep up with life in general and even though the excitement of a new thing in my life gives me that high I crave, I just know I can't have it. I don't feel guilty about it this time, like I did when we took Roxy back to the shelter. I felt like I had failed Roxy... but I know Rascal didn't need to grow up in a home where "mommy" screamed at him every time he did something I didn't want him to do. That is just creating more issues for everyone all around.. Ok, I'm obviously rambling here.. And I gotta eat breakfast before the meds eat my stomach up, so I'm going to go carb on some honeycomb (for the last time) and have my morning coffee..

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Nothingness?

I read something a bit ago.. and.. I just don't know what I should feel about it...

God comes to our lonely, anxious hearts and whispers our name. God says "I see both the fear you have of closeness and the deep longing you have to belong. I have come to comfort you and to respond to your need. I have been seeking a relationship with you. You belong. You belong to me. You are my child."

I've been listening hard... well, as hard as I know how. I never hear it. It's well known I think, among my friends, that I'm not a Christian... that is, I don't believe that Jesus was the "son of God who died for my sins". And I'm not really sure, see, what I feel about God in general. Some would say I'm searching. But I honestly don't know what I'm searching for. I know what I'm not searching for, but that's another post for a time when my thoughts are more coherent. I know that bit of text up there, it's supposed to bring hope to the hopeless, comfort to the lonely.. It doesn't do that for me. It simply makes me feel more troubled... more distraught. God seems to be this caring, loving creator that molds us into his image... But I feel no touch from him, no warmth. I want something real, tangible, comforting and warm. I want to be able to reach out and cry, and have a hand wipe away my tears, and simply say, "I know. I am here." God doesn't do that. And it doesn't matter "who's" God it is. God is GOD. He/she has many faces, many facets... but I have yet to touch the one I need. No.. there is no comfort. And maybe it leaves me angry. Angry that God could choose to create someone like me... but not be there to show me the way, not be there to pick me up when I fall. He should. But he's not.. and it doesn't matter what name he has, what face, what religion... He isn't there for me. It's just me. Just me, and those like me, who are left to reach out, and hope that we can in time, lead each other out of the maze.

so...

The new meds were helping. Not as well as the Lamictal did.. but they were doing some good.. And then, the rash started again.. Seems I'm not going to be able to do any of the mood stabilizers.. I am sooooo frustrated... Everytime I start to feel better, SOMETHING goes wrong. I'm on high dose steroids for the reaction, which is even further messing up my sanity..

In other news.. Finally getting the budget done so I can squeeze in therapy sessions. We had to get caught up on some things, couldn't afford it earlier, no matter how much I have needed it.. no one gives a service for free... I got a recommendation from someone, a friend, who I'm really pleased to say, I've gotten to know a bit better in the process.. Makes me happy :) So thanks, "39" ;) I'm waiting on a call back from the doc to get the therapy started, and I unfortunately won't be able to take any mood meds until the rash completely heals, so I'm "on my own" w/ the swings.. Here's hoping I can keep sane...

Thursday, February 25, 2010

What brings you joy?

A friend asked me that. What brings you joy.. joy.. It feels a bit like a foreign word to me... Joy... What is it? well.. Mr. Webster would say that joy is the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires. Well, I don't know if I really buy that definition... but Mr. Webster seems to be the expert on definitions.. If I go by the above, having control of my emotions, control of my surroundings, having nothing go wrong, things going as planned.. That would bring me "joy". Retail therapy would bring me "joy" (until I realize I couldn't afford what I bought). But I don't think my friend meant joy to be defined the way good ol' Mr. Webster would intend. The type of joy I think she meant is the kind you experience when you can let go, relax, breathe, and just be.

So what brings me joy? well.. I'm not really sure.. But.. I think I'd like to find out. It may take some time... Most things that are worth while do.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

hate is a strong word

and yet.. I don't know.. I'm confused... I find myself screaming that word, over and over again. And it's directed at me. I know I'm a good person, and I know that my family loves me, that there are a lot of blessing in my life. But yet, I can honestly say I hate myself. I do. A sheer loathing of who I am, of what I am. I hate Aspergers. I hate bipolar. I hate the fact that I constantly question everything, everyone. I hate that I seem to be nothing but a giant jumbled up ball of emotional crack. I hate that I can't see what other people see when they look at me. I hate that I constantly seem to be making the wrong decision, that I am almost always wrong. I hate that I can burst into tears when ever someone tells me they like me, or gives me a compliment. I hate that I am terrified that no one likes me. I hate my temper, I hate my rages, my moods. I hate me. I hate that I cannot fathom how to change me. Most of all, I hate that even if I could find out how, that I might not have the strength deep down to change. It leaves me raw, emotionally.. and I just don't know how to stop it...

It's the Cliffs of Insanity...

There are days, like today and yesterday, where I feel as though I am clinging desperately to the edge of a cliff. Below me, waves thrash against jagged outcroppings of rocks that dot at the the base of the cliffs in random chaotic fashion. The waves have no rhythm as they move in and out. Above me, standing at the edge of the cliff I see faces. Faces with eyes that stare, wide eyed at me. Some are judging, some are compassionate, some show pity. A few show love, and those faces have arms outstretched to me. Those arms, strong, open handed, seem to say "Climb up, we'll catch you when you fall." But every time I let go of the rock to reach out, I slip a little bit. The cuts and bruises dig a little deeper into my soul as the faces simply stare on. The only thing I can control is my own grip on the cliff. If I let go, I could fall into the chaos of the waves, sacrificing my sanity to the jagged edges of rock and water. There's a chance though, that those few outstretched hands, that strength could catch me.When do I make the choice? Either way I lose control, control of the outcome, control of others' actions, control over my emotion. If I fall, the rages and despair will certainly take over, destroying what little of me is left. And if I'm saved? I surely don't deserve it, and the guilt of what I put those few faces and arms through, the bruising and cuts and scrapes that those arms must endure to drag me up over the cliff, I would have caused that. Caused hurt, and pain, and worry... If I just simply hold on, with out reaching up, or letting go, I may have a chance of maintaining what little control is left. But for how long?

Monday, February 22, 2010

friendship...?

I took a really long break from a group of friends... I had some issues.. (well... have) and I wasn't able to keep up with playdates and moms night outs... my anxiety got the best of me... My mood swings took control, my kids stood out too much.. I deleted my account. When I came back, a lot of people were glad, said they were happy to see me back.. I tried the playdate scene again... tried to fit in. And the anxiety and moods got the best of me again. No one would consider making a 30 min drive to see a "friend" for a playdate or moms night out. Apparently my little corner of the world is in the middle of a barren snowy wasteland. I left the group, again.. because no one viewed me "worth" a 30 min drive to hang out, despite my several attempts to make the 30-45 min drives to go to their playdates and sit.. and stick out like a sore thumb while they all talked around me. My "I suck" filter got the best of me for quite some time.. well... I did give it one more try. I rejoined, again. I posted a message that I was back and that I missed seeing everyone and that once my meds really got to working well, that I would start trying to get out for playdates.. Out of an entire board full of people, these "friends" of mine, only one person took the time to say "I'm glad your back". There were no "hi how are you"s, no "welcome back"s... apparently, I'm shit on a cracker.

I must be old fashioned. I thought friendship, like any other relationship, required a bit of work from both parties.. A little caring from both parties.. a little acknowledgment that says "hey I like you, I think you're worth it." I guess I'm wrong... and you know what... I don't want friends who don't feel the same way... Because even when I hate myself, I still know that I'm worth it.