Thursday, February 4, 2016

So I had the med tweak and it seems to really be helping.   I've noticed the last several days I've actually been happy.   It's a good change.   I don't feel like I'm just here anymore.   I hope it lasts.   Anxiety has been up a little, but that I can deal with.   Nothing big.   Just not wanting to talk on the phone to a stranger, made the hubby do it.   I just couldn't.   It was too much.    I'm working on it.  

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Wow.  It's been a long while since I"ve posted over here.  I'm going to try to get back in the saddle of writing posts.   It may help me...    Things have been up and down.   The kids are doing ok.   Braeden is having some mood issues, that we're working through.   I'm homeschooling all 3, and all 3 are in scouts.   Richard tackles Boy Scouts with Connor and Girl Scouts with Morri and I tackle Cub Scouts with Braeden (only because I can't drive at night, otherwise I'd tackle girl scouts with Morri too).  Things with me have been up and down as well.   Just did a med tweak and hoping to stabilize.  Been feeling a bit out-of-sorts and left out lately.   Friends, family...  Partly due to my moods being off....  I'm just not as "approachable" as I'd like to be.   Part of it is due the fact that I chose to homeschool the kids, so I don't get that "Kid Free" time during the day that my friends get.  Part of it is just that I'm not out-going and worry that I'll get "shot-down" if I initiate it.  Regardless of the reason, it leaves me a bit sad.   Sad for myself, sad for my kids too...  I know they don't get as many opportunities to play with their peers as others do because of my hurdles.  So then on top of feeling down, I feel guilty too.   I"m trying to get better at it.   Trying...

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

New Meds.. Nervous...

Well.. Pdoc appt was today. Mixed feelings on it. Doc thinks even though my mood chart shows the up and down, that i'm still in a mixed state, because I'm angry/irritable/agitated even when I'm up... And he thinks it's the Adderrall making me angry and irritable, not the Abilify. I disagree. But he did decide to d/c the Abilify and we talked about my moods, whether I was more depressed than up more often. He mentioned Lithium. I told him I was open to it, as something needed to be done... So that's what we agreed on. He tried to put in a call to my tdoc, but she wasn't in the office. He had her paged, so I'm assuming he'll talk with her this afternoon some time... Not sure how to feel about that.. Just the thought of them talking about me, it makes me really nervous.. What could they be saying? Ya know?

Anyways.. I'm really nervous about this med switch. He didn't tell me what to do as far as the depakote, so I have no idea if I'm weaning off or just stopping it, or taking both at the same time... Really not cool.. I need to call and ask. Maybe I'll do that in just a bit. My meds should get delivered today, so I'll start them tomorrow. I think my biggest fear is the nausea and the weight gain issues.... I am really really scared of getting nauseated.. I have a fear of throwing up, so this is a big anxiety point.. as for the weight gain.. I'm a tiny framed person and as vain as it may sound, I just don't have the "room" for 15+ pounds.. That sounds bad.. Ugh.. You know what I mean though.. I go through periods where I want to be nice and curvy (but with a flat tummy - that's never going to happen!) and wanting to be really skinny, like around 100 pounds (I'm only 5'1) which is really too skinny, but at least my tummy is mostly flat then.. :P I have an unhealthy self image.. Very low self esteem.. and gaining a lot of weight is going to make it that much harder to keep my esteem up..

Ok, So I really wasn't making a blog post just to rant about weight gain... really, I wasn't.. :P Gah.. Ok, going to shut up for now...